I may have done too much

[paul19510]

WOW, I am in a little shock today. As I have said, W and I had a miscarriage this past summer. When B dropped, I found out she was having a miscarriage from OM. NOW, today, I think she is pregnant again, or thinks she might be or is planning on it. I live here primarily so I know where things are and go. I couldn't help but notice as I was doing my bathroom prep, that the ovulation test package from this last summer had been moved in the cabinet. When I suspected affair, and pregnancy, I had noted how many tests where in the tin. Today I counted and 7 are missing. I had written it all down back then, and saw I had also counted the prenatal vitamins, 3 of those are missing.

I am just like in shock! I mean, wow. I don't even know what I think. I am flooded with internal questions. Is she pregnant? Are they trying? Is she going to have it? WTH? If they are going to have it, planning, did she just not want one with me? I mean I don't know what to think or feel. Like I said I am just in shock over it.

Now I just noticed this today, I will be checking tomorrow to see if those numbers change. But I guess it is just because this to me, changes things a bit or could. I don't know what to do or think, I mean this just happened, and I came here. I will digest this a bit I guess.

On a separate note, what had originally been on my mind, is vacation. I think I am going to take a trip. I don't see the above changing that or letting it. This trip may tap my account, but, I never would have gone to this place with her. I wont be broke after, it is just a pricey trip. 1000, is a lot to me, but ive always wanted to go to this place. my sisters there, and I have not seen her in years. Though we always talk.

I was reminded by my IC, what's the worse thing that can happen? It helped me realize that my worst fears, are not real. Fear of being broke and living on the street. She pointed out and its true I would never let that happen. So all that fear, is just an excuse to not live. That feeling like I need to save every dime, is keeping me from living my life. I am a traveler at heart, but instead I work at a desk. Maybe its time I lived a little. Treated myself, life is short.

What happens here, will happen.

Wow. Wonder what else today has in store.

if you want to stay M and have no problem with what you just said, then I guess that's what you should do.

It sounds like you are describing that your W is considering starting a family with someone else....Am I understanding you? To me that's not a M. At least not in our culture... The M you had is gone.

What are your personal goals and boundaries? What boundaries do you have to protect you from more hurt while W is having an A? Why are you allowing yourself to have a front row seat to this? How is staying where you are and watching this unfold going to help you live your life better and perhaps one day have a better R with someone (maybe your W...maybe someone else...)?

It like you're standing under a cliff with falling rocks and you're passively "wondering" if another rock might fall and crush you. This forum is not the "stay married at all costs and give myself up forum" I think some people interpret this place as NEVER D, NEVER stop DB'ing...but in her own work MWD says there are times when we've done all we can. Many of the issues she states about D are centered around couples with kids...

I'm not telling you should file for D or do something or not do something....but other than torturing yourself....what are you doing with this??

I don't mean to sound critical or judgmental. There comes a point where you have to say what you stand for. did you agree to an open marriage? If not. given the facts you stated above, how can you live a life that brings out the best in you? Why would that include standing by if she's actively pursuing starting a family with OM?