melissa, continued part 2

[labug]

I already considered that, bug. No, I am not happy that I "got what I wanted."

I'm glad you considered it.

Let's actually look at my sitch. Do you think I have once, in the past six months, gotten what I wanted?

I have looked at your sitch, I've been reading from the beginning. I'm not talking about history, I want to stay with this instance and go forward.

I am hopeful that, since my H is willing to go to counseling, we can break that negative cycle.

That ^^^ is why I am happy.

I, too am hopeful.

I don't understand why you all are so sure that I rejected H's proposed C out of hand and without knowing anything about her.

Sometimes people on the outside of the situation can give you valuable objective observations. It took me a long time to take these insights without feeling defensive or angry.

As I said, I read her CV and visited her website, as well as reading the online reviews from former patients. She isn't the kind of C I had in mind, when I suggested C. My "rejection" of her (which wasn't really a rejection, since, as I told H, I think she might be useful at some point in this process as well) was not based on the fact that H (H's lawyer) suggested her. Had my C suggested her, I would have said the same thing - that's not really the kind of C I am looking for.

I think we're (I'm) confused about why she wouldn't work for you. Had you picked up the phone, told her what you wanted and she had said "Nah, I'm not your person." Bingo! But you might have found that she was just what you needed. Or you and H could have had a appt and decided after that. I've had a couple of ICs that after a couple of appts, I've known weren't right for me.

I'm only suggesting a different approach, one that gives you both somewhat equal parenting footing and moves you closer to common ground not unlike what I suggested in the field trip incident.

What is a repeat of the pattern in our M is the way we get into a negative cycle and neither of us would do anything to break it. We just waited for the other one to do something and blamed it on each other.

How did you get into those cycles?

What are your H's biggest complaints around parenting?

I felt that I took a step - asking my H to go to counseling - to break that cycle. It would be far easier for me to continue to ignore him.

Yes, and I applaud you. I also know this counseling is creating fear and we often times let that fear control us, so we become even more controlling. I'm just saying let the fear go. This is not a perfect process.

In an earlier post I suggested that if you have expectations about something you present as a choice to your H that you let him know what those expectations are so he's not surprised or feeling like "here we are again, nothing I suggest with the kids is right."

In this instance you could have said, "I want only a PhD counselor, in practice at least 10 years, who works with kids and parents and has experience with D." Or whatever...

Springing unstated expectations on people after the fact is unfair whether it's your STBX, a friend, your kids.

Here's the truth about these things, you'll get other opportunities.