Very sad, indeed. Dealing with our own demons (whatever you want to call it) is tough. For me, part of the terrible sadness is b/c I can't back up and delete it. I have to forever live with the fact I hurt my H worse than any pain he has ever known. It is not easy.
As long as you can tell you are getting better by the IC sessions, then stick with it. Don't allow this bad part of your life define who and what YOU really are. Yes, you have to deal with the fallout, which is huge. But identify the enemy that wormed its way into your soul and began to overtake your life. Claim the person you know you can be, and determine to walk in that direction every single day. Those days you get punched in the gut so hard you can't breathe..........you have to reach out to God to give you the strength and grace to get up the next day and go again. B/c you have to have a source of inner power. It has to be like daily food for you.
I suppose this all sounds like a bunch of dime store psychology, but I don't mean it that way at all. It is from my heart. You are in a battle for self respect. You are eat up with guilt and heartache. You said you had distanced yourself from God, and if I may say this.....find your way back to Him, first.
Okay, so what to do about your W. I wish I could give you wonderful advice and encouragement in how to work this all out with her. It will take that four letter word...T.I.M.E. Even with forgiveness, only time can heal deep, open wounds. Nature teaches us that care, rest, and time is what is needed to heal.
Would she agree to a separation first, instead of jumping right into divorce? If she would, then it could give you that physical space from each other that she is wanting. Has she talked about her EA and how seriously she feels for OM or where this is headed? How much do you think this a revenge A?
Let me say this, I believe as long as there is still some love at the very depth of all that has happened.....there is hope. As you work on yourself, keep that hope in your heart. You will have to prove yourself over time. Most men worry how they can do that if she's not living with him to see his changes. Don't get bogged down in that type of concern. If you really change for yourself.......she will know. But it will be up to her to decide to trust or not. I can't stress enough how much time that could take. So, you must move forward to live as best you can and be as happy as you can (even without her).
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
