Barrybran IV - Three Years Forward, 30 Years Back

[Lostforwords]

Definitely a good excuse to watch sports LOL.

As for the doctor....I know that the ex totally hated that I was not up to snuff on the whole doctor visit/scheduling/immunizations thing. This was pre-bomb and was totally on me.....I just didn't keep track of it all. Now 6 years later....I keep folders on each of the kids, their various doctor check ups, and all sorts of medical stuff. Doctors and little kids create tons of appointments that need to be met and kept up with....So while you might have had a communication breakdown, as a parent you should be up to date on the kids medical needs. This isn't a 2x4 by the way....Just father to father advice.

[Barrybran]

Yeah thanks LFW. I'm up-to-date on their immunisations, etc but I don't know the processes. I'm used to the situation being "X needs this, where do I go?" I'd like to work as a team but my wife appears to not be interested in anything team-oriented right now. I'm staying patient though. I feel good about myself and I know I'm trying my best. I do wish that my wife would see this and work with me. Our marriage may be on hold for now but we still have a house to run and kids to raise and things would be a lot easier if she cut me some slack. In saying that, I don't expect that to happen at all so I'm just trying to keep on top of things, ask as few questions as I need to but enough to do what I've gotta do and just get on with life.

[Lostforwords]

B,

Now a serious thought from me....How many times have YOU been right and not cut your wife any slack? Think about that one a bit my friend....as it is a deep question.

[Barrybran]

Far more than I ever imagined. This process has opened my eyes up to the many times and ways I let my wife down. It goes far beyond cheating. I feel it goes to the core of who I am and how I valued, or rather, didn't value, my wife.

[Barrybran]

Boy oh boy my wife is confusing. She works long hours, she goes to the gym after work 2-3 times per week and she never gets home before dinner. She's exhausted when she gets home. I usually get home at the same time as my son gets home from school so I take on the housework. Laundry, dishes and general tidying up. Yesterday I had a morning to myself so I swept and mopped floors as well. I feel good about my contribution to the house and it takes a load off my wife.

She asks me this morning if there's anything I haven't done. It turns out she planned to do housework today and she isn't happy I've done it all. I'm sure most women would kill for help around the house and I'm helping too much. She brought this up a few weeks ago too proposing a roster for chores but it never eventuated so I kept doing what I was doing.

I get that my wife's feelings are important. She feels her role is to work and pay bills at the moment. I understand her feelings. She doesn't have a single clue what she wants to do about it though. I was raised to get in, get it done and get out so leaving the housework for my wife seems ludicrous at this point but I have to leave something for her.

Has anyone had a similar problem before? Does anyone have any thoughts about how I approach this problem? My wife is very hostile with me lately so talking isn't very effective. I don't think leaving the housework for her and picking up the slack, whilst it would be a 180, would work for me either.

[Barrybran]

Bump

[Lostforwords]

Barry bean,

You have to COMMUNICATE with her....It may be tough and she may be mean, but you have to COMMUNICATE with her. Just leaving chores undone isn't the answer....nor is you doing all the chores (using time that you good be GAL'ing). Don't make yourself a list for this conversation either.

Use your DB skills and first understand, then be understood techniques. My suggestion really would be that you do the day to day quick cleaning that needs to be done everyday (dishes, cooking, etc) and let her do those once a week cleaning things like moping, etc.

Remember that more than anything....I think your wife really wants you to just listen to her.....and stop the listening and then go do what you do without regards to her. Think about that B...It causes you issues with the her in regards to finance, shopping, kids, and even cleaning.

And it is something multiple people have pointed out to you.

[Barrybran]

I agree that I have to communicate with her but she is not interested. When it came up several weeks ago I asked what she wanted to do about it. She suggested a chore chart but never presented one to me. She had nothing else to say and wasn't interested in sharing or thinking about it. Same story when it came up the other day. She expressed that she feels the only way she contributes is by paying bills. She said she feels like a terrible Mum. I listened, validated, asked her what chores she wanted to do and she got frustrated with me. I even tried asking her what chores would make her most feel like a good Mum. Crazy, but nothing else was working. No surprises though that this idea didn't work either.

I can't listen if I'm not given anything to listen to. I'm also not a mindreader, try as I may.