wife denies the affair

[MrBond]

"I know I hurt my XW. I called her after the break up of the affair and apologized for my actions and"

So it took you 9 years until you apologized? And you only apologized because your affair didn't quite turn out the way you intended? That's pretty selfish.

"she forgave me."

She had no choice. Plus I'm sure it made you feel better. All selfish and only serves to make YOU feel better.

"I know I made mistakes with my current W and we both are paying the price. I would love to reconcile with my W with us being lead by God."

Sorry if it sounds extremely hypocritical. Especially if you just found God when you thought your W was cheating on you. Doesn't sound sincere. That's why she doesn't trust you.

This plus your record of the affair doesn't show that you won't do the same to her again. I mean, what assurances does she have that you're not going to go back to the way you were if she leaves this new guy?

"unfortunately she has to have happiness from within not from someone else. We know a lot of people are searching for the right person to fall in love with, when you have to learn to love the person who is imperfect."

That really sounds like you're taking the "I'm righteous" approach. Especially since you were the one who had the history of cheating and drinking.

I know it sounds like you're being bashed and to a certain degree, you probably deserve it. However all this contributes to your current situation. Just because you "suddenly" found God doesn't mean that you're better than anyone else and you've got alot of repenting to do. And it especially doesn't mean that just because you've been suddenly enlightened doesn't mean that your W needs to share your newfound faith.

When you tell her stuff like the affair doesn't matter and you'll still take her back, sounds extremely "holier than thou". I'm sure when you were with your XW, you treated her like dirt and blamed everything under the sun on her. That attitude isn't going to serve you well here.

So again, what guarantee does she have that you aren't going to do this again? Have you gone into deep IC? Aside from going to church, what things have you done to try and correct the damage you had caused?