"Just want to make sure I understand. You first had an EA. Felt guilty about it and encouraged your W to flirt with other men? Then when you discover she was in an A, your EA ended?"
Yes- at the time, I felt it was guilt. Now after months of IC and antidepressants I am understanding more about why I did that, and the truth is hard (for both of us). More on that below.
"Did she ever understand the true reasons behind you telling her to flirt with other men? This is very important."
I have told her more since as I've uncovered more. I was exposed to pornography at a young age (10). Over the last couple of years it became an addiction that I only recently put a stop to. The fantasy aspect led me to objectifying her. I am understanding that now and I am ashamed of it. I don't know how I got to that point as I was never that way with it (or with her) for the first dozen years of our relationship.
"Did your A aburbly end? Was it really b/c you discovered her A? How did you find out about it? Have you had any contact at all with the OW since ending your EA?"
My EA fizzled for a couple weeks- we stopped texting- but I work with her. After I started seeing IC in October (3 weeks after I discovered my W's A) it became professional business only. I found out about W's A by texts on her phone. My contact with OW is professional only now. It was hard to break off, but I am glad I did.
You are not making me feel worse Sandi- I am horrified by what I did and what poor boundaries I had. Only in the last few weeks have I come to realize how deeply I hurt my wife by my actions, and I can totally see how she doesn't trust me or my changes. I had been thinking that over the last 5 months or so, she would trust them lasting. As we've moved forward with this D, and we've had deeper talks (mostly me listening, validating, and realizing the depth of what I did), I am starting to accept that time and distance-- and more time and distance than I ever realized--will be the only way she will trust me again. If she ever does.
I do not blame my W. I've uncovered a lot about myself in IC. Quite frankly, at times it has been scary and sad. I don't know how I became what I was-- in a nutshell: close family deaths, best friend death, subsequent distancing from God, and father's increasing alcoholism all played a part into my depression-spiral. I'm getting the help I so sorely needed. As my W said "why did it take me doing something so horrible to get your attention?" I don't know, but I'm glad something did. There is still love there between us, but the trust will take a long time to come back. I hope it does, for my kids especially. But I realize I need to have no expectations. I'm so sad at how I hurt her. I'm continuing to work, to change, to becoming the happy, funny, confident man I was for the first long portion of our relationship. I'm happy about that...just deeply saddened at the destruction I caused my family and my wife's heart.
