A few things about your post reminded me a bit of my situation, so I'll put my two cents in (btw, married 24 years, H had an affair, I Divorcebusted and we reconciled, had a few more good years, then he hit serious MLC and bailed. Now divorced several years, and MY life gets better and better!)
I don't know what your illness is, but with tube feeding, I'll guess either an inflammatory bowel disease or eating disorder? Either way, let me throw a few random things out there:
- if it's IBD, please be gluten-free and look into a treatment called Low Dose Naltrexone.
- own the fact that, even though your illness is not your fault, it may indeed have "taken" you away from your spouse. It's ok to validate that he may have felt like he "lost" you through your illness.
- you describe your H as having had previous bouts of depression, and now he's staying out all night, drinking and behaving in uncharacteristic ways? This may be simple MLC, but have you considered Bipolar disorder? Has he ever done anything in the past that seemed mildly manic? Is he on any medications that may have triggered a change in behavior? My ex had minor "blue" periods that seldom lasted more than a month or so, since his twenties. Most of the rest of the time he was sort of hypo-manic - just very energetic and effective. But in his 40's the highs got a little higher, a little bit irrational, and the lows got lower. A history of multiple concussions in his 40's didn't help either. I now see him as having a mild form of bipolar disorder.
- does your ex have any history of substance abuse?
Whatever his diagnosis is or isn't, whatever path he may or may not take you need to remember a few things:
- protect yourself financially. Hopefully it will not come to divorce, but get an initial consultation with a lawyer to find out what your situation would be financially if he left. Squirrel a little cash away in an emergency place. Buy extra canned goods. Get a copy of all financial account statements. If he moves out, file an order for temporary support ASAP.
- live your life as if he's not coming back. Begging, pleading, getting more ill - not attractive things. Being confident, taking on new challenges, changing your hairstyle, getting out in the world - all things that make him wonder what he might miss out on if he leaves.
- at the same time, try sneakily speaking his love language. (Read the book by Chapman on the 5 love languages). Sounds like one of his may be quality time, so give him your full attention whenever he speaks - no multitasking.
- Don't rat him out to work - if it means he'll lose his job, that hurts YOU financially.
- you have to kind of think about what you would do if he'd gotten hit by a truck. How would you pick up the pieces for your kids and keep going? Don't get so stuck in the pain of betrayal that you don't move forward.
- Be the best YOU that you can be. Take the high road, be kind and compassionate, be a woman he'd be crazy to leave.
- at the same time, think seriously about whether this is a temporary aberration on his part, or a recurrence of something you always knew was there. Was he really a good husband before?
- it's ok to set boundaries. WASs do not respect doormats. If he keeps staying out all night with other women you may NEED to kick him out.
Please don't assume I'm saying anything about your chances of reconciliation here; I've seen much worse situations successfully reconcile. But it'll only happen if you can get back on your feet and be a strong, heroic survivor.
And don't let fear of the unknown paralyze you. As I said, I was married for 24 years, and I just couldn't quite wrap my head around the idea of our marriage finally being done. But I learned to play the drums, started playing in a couple of bands, and now, a few years later, I just came back from playing at SXSW, the huge music festival/industry conference in Austin, Texas. I have a modestly successful business, I've dated a series of very handsome (often younger ) men, and now have a serious boyfriend who treats me like a queen. You have to trust that if you just do YOUR best, and work on YOU, the outcome will be whatever was meant to be.
) men, and now have a serious boyfriend who treats me like a queen. You have to trust that if you just do YOUR best, and work on YOU, the outcome will be whatever was meant to be.