To Starsky - re. transparency and boundaries

[angel61]

Its been a long time since I have posted, but sometimes I do go back to read some posts, and in one of them, starsky replied with the same advice about the total transparency and boundaries advice that he gives to everyone.

I have nothing against transparency and boundaries. Truly, that is needed to keep the marriage healthy throughout the years.

However, in this situations, it is not a one size fits all. We all have very different personalities, causes of why we came here in the first place, and stages of where we are in.

Some people are in a very sensitive stage of the reconciliation. They may just be feeling each other out, to find out if this could go. the full commitment may not be there yet.

Not everyone can make an instant decision to reverse their lives and feelings, and suddenly be committed and make pacts with their spouse. they may be wondering....is my spouse able to forgive me? accept me back and trust me?

We all know that especially MLC'ers, they have a very skewed view of the world. Can they comprehend boundaries yet? Are they trying to come back and yet at the same time fighting it? Confused and yet not able to resist the lure of a changed spouse, the light from the lighthouse that we are teaching here?

In some of those cases, you know what will happen if you suddenly lay down the rules and demand total transparency? they may run away for good. and so what happens to the goal of saving another marriage?

So where does transparency and commitment come in?

It will, when both parties are at that point where they are ready to commit. And again, it usually does not happen at the same time. It remains for the one who has remained steadfast in the marriage, the one who wants to save it, to hold the hand of the "monster" as he struggles and moves slowly towards the comforts of home. Serena, one of those who used to post here, said it so eloquently: think of your spouse as the beast in fairy tales who turns into a prince in the end. It is the patience of the lady who stays by the beasts side and holds his hand as he struggles to transform into a prince that leads to a happy ending.


I know, I've been there. And finally, my H is now almost that prince. Its been a couple of years since he started coming out of the fog and made it known that he wanted to work on the M. We went to retrouvaille, which was the catalyst, but backsliding was a common occurrence initially. I still snooped initially, he still had contact with the OW initially, but I promised to let him take care of it, and stopped snooping, and he did stop it eventually and then I saw him turning back to me and without words or contracts we went back to the openness we had before our problem. Even better.

Now we are getting to that point were we can talk about the past without going back into that darkness. Our marriage is stronger than ever and we have weathered a lot of new hurts and fights and issues in a different way....together and not by keeping it to ourselves but by openly talking and discussing it. I do hope that we can keep it up - its a great feeling not to be hampered by boundaries from someone else but act by our own boundaries from knowing what is right and wrong! And also to be transparent without demanding it from each other but because we respect our marriage enough not to hide things from each other!

Again, I am not saying that your way is wrong, its just that its not for me. There are other people out there who may agree with me, and others who think more like you.