Thanks nit84. I agree with everything you said. I'm having a tough time because W wants me to move out but I'm not. So on one hand I feel like I should live here like "I'm not here" for my W. But yesterday W cooks me dinner, washes and folds my laundry, etc...and now I'm supposed to "detach" ...do I tell her not to cook and do my laundry? ..just doesn't make sense to me. We do have kids so sometimes all sit together for family dinners. This morning I did not do my morning routine with getting her coffee etc and it felt odd when she stills cooks dinner and does my laundry for eg. Sandi says to live like roomates but I don't think my roomate would wash my dirty clothes ...trying to figure this all out - how do I balance things in my sitch? I respect sandi/vets advice here ...yours too...i read other posts too to see how it may help in my sitch.
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
I did and wish I hadn't but W always knew I wanted to return so when I thought I was ready I did just that. My W wasn't happy about it and did everything she could to try and get me to not move back but I told her it was part of me moving on. She said I was forcing her out I told it is just as much her house as mine and she could stay I had no problem with it. If she wanted to leave I told her I would not stop her. Lo and behold it has been 3 months and she is still here. Not the best situation but better than when I first returned.
If your W wants to see what it is like to be on her own she can move out and see it from that side instead of you leaving. I suspect she told you this to see if you would actually consider it.
On the doing things for each other, I not sure how to answer. My W and I do our own laundry, dishes, etc. but it has been this way for long before we S.
When I do things around the house like shovel the driveway sometimes I get a Thank You sometimes I don't One thing I never do is ask my W to do something for me.
If the dishes are your kids I see no reason why you don't do them maybe leave her wine glass for her to clean. Seeing as she is cooking for you and doing laundry maybe it would be ok to do the wine glass also.
When she does these things for you do you show genuine appreciation?
It seems like maybe these things that are your routine things can continue just don't expect it to continue because it might not, if it does I consider it a bonus just don't ask for anything "extra" or do too many "extra" nice things for her as she could see this as pressure/pursuit.
As far as her getting ready in the morning for work and not having time for the kids that sorta bothers me but I don't have an answer for you on this.
You can live there and not be there for your wife by GAL and doing some 180's and working on yourself for YOURSELF.
As long as it doesn't adversely affect your kids, do as much stuff for you as you can, don't worry about what your W will think. If you do this I suspect your W will take notice. Actions speak louder than words, if she mentions she sees some changes in you thank her and say "yes these are things I am doing for myself" never ask her if she sees changes that will make her think these changes aren't permanent.
keep a PMA!!
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
I'm going to bet that your wife's T recommended that SHE move out, not you. Your not the one in an A, your wife is. She should feel the consequences of her A, and having to move out of your home is one of them.
I was going to call him because he was my therapist too and W and me actually saw him together a couple times also ...i dont get why he called W and not me except that W did see him last. I just wanted to ask him if he told W I should move out ...but if he didn't what would I do with that info anyway ...tell the W I called him and he told me differently? It would just be another argument.
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
You are his patient and she is a patient for him too... Have you heard about proffesional secret? Well, thats what he is sticking to... If you feel you dont like what he did, you have to talk to him not to her...
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
To be honest ...whether he recommended I move out or not, I don't care ...just wondered if the W lied to me but then again, she's lied to me about a lot worse things and I'm not moving out anyway. So is there really any point in calling the therapist ...probably not ...that's my line of thinking anyway.
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
Talking to the T would serve no purpose aside from making a point for yourself to see if you're "right". Plus despite the fact that he may have been a T to you both, he has to respect your W's privacy as much as yours.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I was going to call him because he was my therapist too and W and me actually saw him together a couple times also ...i dont get why he called W and not me except that W did see him last. I just wanted to ask him if he told W I should move out ...but if he didn't what would I do with that info anyway ...tell the W I called him and he told me differently? It would just be another argument.
I am frankly surprised he saw you both separately at all. When my W and I went to MC and she stopped and I continued on, my T said, he could not longer see W on her own. too many privacy things floating around.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
I think this is what is called staining at a gnat and swallowing a camel.
She is going to be all over the map with her mood swings. You cannot make your decisions around her moods. First, b/c you would never know what to expect. Second, b/c nobody should have to have to live accordingly to another person's moods.
At times you seem to cow down to whatever she tells you. I see a lot of LBH's doing the same thing. She will not only disrespect you for doing that....but will grow to utterly feel contempt. Be a man and stand up to her! You tell her what you will and won't do.....not the other way around.
Why don't you pack her things and set by the door and tell her she can leave whenever she wants to live without you, but that you aren't going anywhere? Why are you acting like a wimp when she says these sort of things? Just like you wimped out to the kids. That's not what a man does! She can't be attracted to you taking what she dishes out. Now you are hiding out in your room, trying to stay out of her way, and trying to decide if you should wash her dirty wine glass. See how messed up your thinking has become?
I don't buy one word of what she says about being told you should be move out. Her story went to telling you if there was ever a chance to R it would only come from you moving, and now the story changes b/c she's pouring on the pressure. Expect it to change again, unless you lay down the law by stating unequivocally what you will not do. She is bullying you b/c you are playing the part of a coward.
Look, don't misunderstand me for one second here. I am not suggesting any type of domestic violence in what I am going to say. I want that clear. If men would understand how their tone of voice...and the way they stand...and the firm look in their eyes all say they are in a position of authority. All of this in a man is actually respected by women, if the man knows how to use it. Naturally, we don't want a jerk who doesn't know his head from his a$$, who is nothing more than a bully. Nobody respects that! Nobody wants to be treated like that.
You do not have a healthy M, but at times you seem to forget that fact and seem to expect her to just wake up one day and everything resume to normal. It won't. You have a WAW who is in an A and lying about it. She is running your life....and ruining your life at the moment. When are you going to stop saying there is nothing you can do but wait around? Take charge of your life.
I think as long as you try to act like one big happy family one day....and stay out of her sight the next day, you won't ever know how to deal with these smaller issues of washing the wine glass. Make sense? You've tried to have it both ways. When she gets mad, you think you'll treat her like a renter. But then you want to act like you are married and you do things like a H. Mostly out of habit (b/c you've been together 20 yrs), but still....you can't have it both ways and expect to get the results you are wanting.
You have to stop being wishy-washy with her. Open your mouth and walk up to her and tell her if she doesn't want to act like your W, and she doesn't want to be around you.......then she doesn't get the benefits either. But if you tell her, then you have to stick to your guns. You don't switch back the next day just b/c her mood changes.
You said you were treating her like a renter, but you weren't. You continued to do things as if she were your W. You asked her to pour you a drink and she went ballistic. Then you (the landlord) goes hide out. Then her mood changes and she expects coffee. You bounce back & forth over not knowing if you should wash her clothes, pack her lunch, etc. Whatever you decide you MUST be consistent. Otherwise, how is she suppose to know what to believe?
I am not going to tell you if you should wash her clothes or pack her lunches. You have a much bigger job of finding the man you need to be. I promise you that she is looking for a MAN in her life, not a cook/housekeeper/babysitter. And when or if you decide to start standing up to her, I believe you will find a lot of these answers for yourself.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
