Last night/today have been tough. I need to write this out so that I can start fresh tomorrow.

I ran into my H last night while picking up dinner for the kids. I made a comment about being surprised to see him because I did not see his car. I stupidly asked how he got there (I think I joked with him about walking there which would be a hike from his place. My H responded with "the OW drove me and dropped me off a few hours ago to get some work done."

I changed the subject, but it was a huge realization that in over eight months nothing has changed. Yes - it is only a car ride. But it is symbol that my H continues to do as he pleases with OW without any regard for me.

Time to wake up 3BM.

This morning H called after dropping the kids off at school. I answered because he normally will update me on what the teachers tell him. He started off by saying that he wanted to talk about financials and then he went off with this long speech about a video that he had seen about giving back and that he woke up this morning and God talked to him and told him that he should donate his commission check that he was getting today to charity and that I may not understand where he is coming from and that I may be upset with his decision....

For some reason, the way that he framed the conversation really got to me. Tears started rolling down my face. After he realized I was upset, he started backtracking and saying that he did not mean to come across that way.

I have been trying to figure out why the conversation got me so upset ...

(1) I felt like my H does not know me. He said that I would not understand why he would want to donate money and was not sure if I would support his decision. It made me think "Does my H think that I don't have a heart and don't want to help others? Does my H think that despite everything I have shown him over the past 15 years, I only care about money." That is not who I am. In fact it is the complete opposite. If I know this, then why does my H's opinion matter so much to me? Man I have to detach.

(2) I was jealous. My H woke up this morning and said that God wanted him to reach out and help others. My H said that the thought of making others happy made him feel so good. I selfishly thought "will god ever talk to my H and encourage him to make amends for all the pain he caused me." It hurts so much that after all this time, my H cant even acknowledge what he has done.

I know that I have to detach. I know that I cant have expectations. I know that I have to take my H for who he is right now. I know that I cant expect an apology from my H. I know that I need to walk my own path to get past this pain and frustration and not let it turn into bitterness. But some days are just harder than others.

I am heading to the gym for the first time smile in a bit. I am hoping to run away some of this sadness. I will go home and play with the kiddos and remind myself of all the good things that I have.