Was my W's 43rd b-day. Last year for her b-day she went out with her friend and didn't celebrate with us (me and 3 girls). This year she stayed home with us, I made dinner and she talked with me, the girls friends were here and when the father came to pick them up, we invited them to stay for dinner. We ate dinner, gave my wife a cake that I baked with oldest D. I had flowers sent to her office earlier in the day. We went for a walk, put the girls to bed, she texted friends while I relaxed, we went into hot tub, and then watched a TV show. Overall a nice time, in fact my W just before bed thanked me for a nice b-day.
Last year the 28 year-old girl that she went out with for her b-day is no longer my W’s friend. My W doesn’t know why, but for some reason this girl stopped returning W’s text messages. My W told me that she always thought she shouldn’t stay friends with this person because of all the problems she had. I know the reason my W stayed friends with her was because my W wants to go out, drinking, partying and having fun – none of her married friends will do this with the frequency she wanted to so her only option was the 28-year-old, unemployed, alcoholic friend.
In the summer my W because friends with another young girl also of 28 years. She was telling me that she doesn’t think she wants to be friends with this person anymore either. She said this friend doesn’t have her things together, is aimless and has no purpose in life, and my W doesn’t want to be friends with people like that. I find this amusing for a few reasons. First, my W acted like this girl was her soul-mate or sister when they first became friends. As recently as this past Christmas, the girl was here visiting for a weekend, and my W acted like they were in college hanging out together. Second, I think my W is putting her ideals onto these younger friends. My W regrets her career choice (although she has a good career) and this girl was going to pursue what my W said she wanted to do. I guess my W was living vicariously through this girl, and now that this girl quit school, my W is losing interest in her. Finally, my W said she didn’t like people who can’t finish things, my W has started many things, mostly hobbies, in the past few years that she has dropped. I guess it is a little different because they are hobbies, but I thought it was a little hypocritical.
What is funny to me is that my W is throwing herself a b-day party on Saturday to which she has invited about 25 people, just about all of them younger than either of us. It is an adult-only party. I guess she became a little embarrassed for throwing herself a b-day party, not every guest knows it is her b-day. Instead she changed it to a first day of spring party. My W wants a very active social life and this continues.
My W still does jiu-jitsu and next weekend she is going out of town to see a fight with 3 guys that she has become friends with through jiu-jitsu. They will be staying overnight, and they rented a single room. During our walk, I found this out and told my W that I thought it was inappropriate that she would spend the night in a room with 3 guys. She took the position that “we’re just friends” “they are married or have girlfriends” and similar arguments. I didn’t make excuses or plead with her – I just held firm that I didn’t think it was appropriate and I didn’t like it. She agreed to rent a separate room.
All week, my W came home after going to gym without going out. This was good and something that we had talked about. All in all, my W is making a real effort on our relationship and responding to issues with going out. On Monday, she would normally have gone to the gym, but our D10 had a school event that I took her too, and my W stayed with the other two (D13 and D7). Actually, my W took them shopping for an outdoor table that she wanted to get before her party this Saturday. I think a year ago, my W would have gone to the gym, and I would have taken all 3 girls.
I think my W is still in MLC, but it is cycling down. I also think we have a more balanced relationship where we both have individual interests, husband-wife interests, and family interests. We give each other space now and then, which makes for a better relationship. I would say 3 years ago, we had little in the way of individual interests. I say my W is still in MLC because she has this need to do many things. She tries things on. She will be hot and heavy for something, goes all out, and then frequently it fizzles and she moves onto something else. What is interesting is that she either seems to forget some of the things she has done when deep in MLC, or she intentionally pretends it didn’t happen. This occurs to me when she talked about her young GFs and when she was telling me going away and sharing a hotel room with 3 guys who were ‘just friends’ was no big deal. When she was infactuated with a guy she told me they were ‘just friends’ and she had other ‘just friends’ that she flirted with and said inappropriate things to.
