Working on myself

[Mic]

Starting a new thread.
I went to my IC yesterday and learned I have a lot of passive aggressive tendencies. Very passive and then abruptly I will blow up. I also am learning a lot of the ways I reacted in my M was due to how I was raised and the roles I was shown to play.
I am working on a new role.
I also am working on being assertive. This will help me in my job and raising my children.
Ironically I have always taught my riding students to be assertive. I need to practice what I preach.I need to get lots if practice in being assertive and getting my emotions under control before our first custody mediation on April 1st.


Everyone here has such great advice and I really appreciate it. It appears to me though that most of the marriages on here have still failed or is that just my flawed perception?

[labug]

When most people make it to this board, the marriage had gotten to a very bad place. Usually in the WAS's eyes, it's over. It's hard to recover from that.

We're humans, we don't change our diet till we have a heart attack, we don't see the value of exercise until something goes wrong, we have to be really depressed to seek treatment.

It is what it is.

But for some lucky people who find their way here (or to other avenues) they will recognize the opportunity they have to create a very new and different life.

And yes, some marriages might be repaired.

[woundedfool]

Everyone here has such great advice and I really appreciate it. It appears to me though that most of the marriages on here have still failed or is that just my flawed perception?

First, does it really matter? Every ones experience/result is different.

Second, remember... many come here as a last resort, so results may be skewed by that.

Finally, the "divorced but not done" forum has more success stories. Forums like newcomers, MLC, EA/PA are really only problem focused.

[unbidden]

I can say that I'm a success story, I DBd my relationship and I'm glad I did since my H subsequently was diagnosed with cancer and it was a blessing to both of us that we were still together.

[Mic]

This will be a difficult week. Attorney set up a meeting to start discussing our finances and a proposal on division. I will know more after the meeting.
Next week is our first mediation for custody. Absolutely terrified about that. Does it get better when you drop your kids off or not. D2 does not want to see her dad anymore. She sat on my suitcase as I was packing for my time away until I told her she got to go and then helped pack.
Kids have been sick all week.
Bonus for me Stbx was sick this weekend and let me have them overnight on his night since he needed more time to recover. the more time with my kids the better.
Another funny thing people that haven't seen me I awhile think I look like a teenager again and very young. For some reason I look better than I did most of our marriage. Right now a lot of financial stress is away and I no longer have post Partum depression. That could be it I guess.

[labug]

Yeah, ;), that could be it.

Good luck, you can handle this.

Just like you, all the emotions your kids are having are OK, they just need your help navigating them. I read an interesting article yesterday about teaching ids to calm themselves. Google NY Times Teaching Children to Calm Themselves.

Find out if there's someone who does Play Therapy in your area. My friend who sent me the article is a Children's Therapist and does play therapy.

[Mic]

Thank you Labug.
I will absolutely do that.

[Mic]

Well I have been silent for a few weeks. I have been trying to get a handle on things.
We had mediation a couple of weeks ago and suffice it to say it was Terrible!!!!
He then threatened full custody. Left me an awful text. Since we could not agree the court ordered a parenting investigation. I just filed for a change of parenting time for numerous reasons. We will be going for a hearing for that. It was so hard sitting in the lawyers office today and giving a sworn affidavit of why the children were better off with me most of the time and having to reveal very personal issues and the way I had been treated. I thought "Well this has definitely signed the death warrant on our M."
The good thing is after our first mediation and how horrible it was, and after his text message I was done. He messed with my kids. As mom's know - Mess with me ok. Mess with my kids and mama bear comes out. I have went completly dark. Very minimal texting if I have to due to the children. I don't even care anymore. After finding out a number of other things he has been up to I am done! done! done.
I still don't want to be divorced and be a single mom but I don't want to be in a marriage with him how he is now. I still have that small hope and prayer that in a few years he will be a changed man with God's help-but until that time it is not healthy for me to be in this Relationship.
If he came crawling back today (he won't - I think if I vaporized off the earth right now he would be very happy) I would not think - Oh good he's back. I'd think "Really, what does he want now and how is going to try to "screw" me personaly and financially.
I even told my Lawyer today I finally realized that there was nothing I could do to save the marriage. I jumped through all the hoops he wanted and it would never be enough.
She stated that I seemed a lot stronger than in January.
Now oh joy we get to get started on finances.
She also said the divorce may not be over by the end of the year. Fun! Fun! (sarcasm intended)

[lovethehub]

Mic,

I am sorry to hear that things are the way they are but you are actually in a good place because most M's don't get fixed until the LBS can get to the point where they don't care. My M was saved because of the books and the great advice on this site, I just don't post too often in my own thread and I think that happens with the M's that are saved. I wouldn't even know what to post except the occasional "doing well" but I do like to share my story on newcomer's pages to offer hope. I hope you will keep coming here because the best part of DB/DR is how we turn out from the work we are doing and that will be important in the future no matter who your R is with.

[Mic]

Thanks love the hub. Can you send me a link to your thread or I can search it.