She was interested in "doing whatever it takes" when she came back after that 3-month affair. However, like I said, we had a bunch of fits and starts for awhile thereafter, and didn't even mutually withdraw our divorce action until about 6-7 months later, instead putting it on two different 3-month temporary stays.
Here's a link to my sitch, if you want to read any of it. It's loooooong, LOL. My username used to be first "Chocolateeyes" and then "Puppy Dog Tails," and as reference my wife's affair was May-Aug 2007.
I will definitely read your thread. The fact your W was willing to come back and work on it doing whatever it takes to get it done is great . My fear is my wife will not do that . It's hard to know at this time . It's been 2 1/2 months since she was kicked out. But I have just started asserting my boundaries. Time will tell I guess . Thanks so much
So the last few days have been fine. We have taken much more space, and there have been no conflicts so to speak. I'm not really looking for anything yet, and just trying to follow LRT.
My tough love has been going OK. I have been consistent which is probably best. Also very focused on kids and me. The kids and myself are going on a holiday next week. I can't wait. The problem is my wife's BD is on the Saturday we leave. Pretty sure everyone's advice would be no card, no gift, nothing, but just wanted some advice? If we speak I will say Happy Birthday, but if I am GAL and moving on, I don't need to be providing BD Cards and gifts. Pretty sure that will just aggravate her.
Interestingly, the OM has been away this week, and I have been tempted to try and pursue when I "have my chance" so to speak. I have managed to avoid this. I have also been very tempted to expose their affair in the online and professional world in which they interact. It's very tempting, but again I know it will do no good. So frustrating to watch this happen and feel helpless beyond what I can do for myself
I'm not up to date on your sitch, but I think a simple birthday card from the kids would be fine.
I've realized that it takes a lot to be the bigger person when you're the LBS. I've often thought of how easy it would be to expose the A to friends/family if I chose to be a bitter person. But you're right- in the end, it gets you no closer to your goal.
Agree with respect to the BD card. It's hard not to do actions that you expect to get a reaction from. I need to keep doing things for me. And expect nothing
Tempting as it is to expose the affair everywhere.....definitely the wrong call at this time
The problem is my wife's BD is on the Saturday we leave. Pretty sure everyone's advice would be no card, no gift, nothing, but just wanted some advice? If we speak I will say Happy Birthday, but if I am GAL and moving on, I don't need to be providing BD Cards and gifts. Pretty sure that will just aggravate her.
I would agree with this ^^^, esp. considering you think it will only aggravate her. Other way to go (and this is what I did in my own sitch) is a "Shoebox" type (funny) card, with something practical like a $15 Starbucks gift card or something in it, and just a handwritten "Happy Birthday, Devaste" (no "Love" or anything) in it.
Either one is fine, I think. Just nothing overboard.
Starsky, who for once isn't on the hard-ass side of this one
Wow, so I've had a crazy few days, with some real despondent times here. My W is really frustrating me. I need to go to NC with her myself. I just have had enough.
Unfortunately my oldest was rushed to hospital today due to breathing difficulties, which after some meds etc. he began to fortunately stabilize.
While we were in the ER, my wife mentioned that she needed a computer. In retrospect, a 180 for me would have been to say ok, but with our current shared finances and muddled separation agreement, I hesitated. I don't really want to take on more debt pre divorce if it comes to that.
My W took this as a chance to reinforce for her how I controlled all the financial decisions etc in our house before. Looking back, she's right. I wish I had just said great idea, but I argued it a bit, and tried to get a feel for the next few months, saying maybe we should wait till our picture clears up
Unfortunately, this was perceived as controlling, and this was hammered into me and all of a sudden I am to blame for everything again. Ah, good thing I have Starsky's Spew Jacket....
I went to the gym to try and get some anger and frustration out, but to no avail. I backslid a bit when I met her to get the kids. Explained some of my frustrations, and then she left the house. I know some times these days will happen, but now, I am left to regret that I didn't recognize a great opportunity to do a 180. Man, this is tough sledding. Focus on self, focus on self, focus on kids.....my mantras.
Personally, I think you might the right decision on the computer. "A" you're correct -- considering the state of the marriage right now, it's not take to take on any more debt or major new purchases; and "B" she most likely would use it to carry on her affair with OM, online.
I forget -- does your wife work outside the home? Remind us of your financial situation, Dev.
So my W works half time outside the home, and we have a full time nanny. She is a professional, and her job allows her to do that. Currently, our finances remain linked, as per L advice.
