I may have done too much

[D2ndday]

ye21, taken out of context, it may sound like I am throwing in the towel. I am not. When I wrote that I was looking at her in my mind. And all that has happened. Part of me still is hopeful she will show me some sign that she wants to work on this, salvation. So far she has not, and I remind myself not to sit around waiting for it.

I think my point with that part of my post was venting so that I could stop looking at her, and get my eyes back on me. Where she still live here, and I see her, I have to keep doing this. Because she is in my space. In the past I was her caretaker, stopping that has taken time. When she was bed ridden, from her illness, that was my life. So stopping that instinct to protect her, has taken time.

When I first came here, I had to learn there was no quick fix for this. No magic, do this, that, and its fixed type of thing. I get that. It is a marathon, but also a roller coaster of emotions. Some days are easier than others. Sometimes I need to vent those thoughts. I've been doing it here. Seeing my words here, and typing them out, is a release.

I can tell you, as I said in that post, I will not be the one ending this. I wont be filing, I wont be putting the house on the market. I wont be pushing or enabling her through this. This is her journey. I can only do me.

1 day was a lot for me, so was 1month, 2months, and now 3. I find it hard to believe it is not a lot for anyone here. Am I done, no. I'm not quitting, and it was not my intention for my post to sound that way. I am venting stuff so I don't carry it with me. So I don't sit in those feelings of waiting for her.

Her living here is a constant reminder of what is happening. That's why I said earlier when she is not here, it is almost easier because I can more easily focus on helping myself.

That was a tough day when I posted that, it was interesting because the next day felt more like acceptance. I was focused. I was not waiting, I was doing. I have to accept that marriage is over, there is no going back. I have to learn from it. Maybe we can build a new marriage, but I was thinking I cant go back to the old one. I need to continue to look at what my part was and work on those things. I have to continue rebuilding myself.

Thinking of moving and all the fantasies of what I want to do, is and was hard to do because we were so intertwined. Untangling our lives, our dreams, and trying to find my life, my dreams. I am still learning to accept that she has made a choice and it is happening. I cant change that, but I can work on me. I can look at what options I have, and who I want to be. I can be the man only a fool would leave.

I HAVE been given the gift of time. I can work on me. I can fantasize on what I want, and decide what is real. 3 months and she has not filed, we have not put the house up, she does still live here.