After being married for 13 years and together for 15+ my wife last November said she wanted a divorce which totally blew me away we have never as much as had a fight. We have 3 wonderfully boys 13,11,4. Reasons for divorce was that I was to struck with kids, whenever we travel to our northern mi home that she usually drives my mother and out kids and she has had enough of listening to her health issues. I work night shift my wife works day shift she would leave on fri aft work I would leave sat morn after work to head north. Sometimes we would all ride together. I know I'm kind of rambling on but I just don't know where to start. I've always thought we've had a great marriage and everyone around us did also she seemed like she was always happy before her new position at work which was very stressfully for her. I've always been a good listener and took great pride it that fact. I have also spoken to a close trusted friend who know be better than anyone so I can't B.S him I needed honest opinion no fluff. After wife asked for divorce I was at a total loss and asked the usual ?s what did I do, what can I do to make thing better she responds with nothing I've made up my mind I've changed I'm sorry and so on. I tried for a few weeks with stepping up my game with doing more chores and getting kids more involved with helping so as to alleviate as much stress when she gets home from work. I would always wait to leave for work untill she got home up untill it would make me late for work. So I asked my done to help with my 4yr old untill his mother came home which he did willingly. Well to make a short story long she has been real short with kids for last fer months threatening to leave telling them that she has been living a lie and has been unhappy her entire life. I would just defend her and say her job is so stressful. My 11 and 13 yr old kept asking ?s in which I didn't have the answers such as where is mama why is she never home when you are, why does it take her 2hrs to go get a coffee,why is she at the grocery store for hours and only come home with a gallon of milk. This is all going on while I'm at work by the way. Well just recently after the new year she wants to start having alternate weekends with kids to get them adjusted for when the D happens I was and still against it but I can't keep her here I've always been flexible with me working nights and her havin to be home with kids keeps her from seeing her friends so I never really thought to much about it of she wanted to go out with the girls fer a drink on weekends or wherever. On a weekend that I took my 2 oldest to cabin my wife took little one to an indoor theme park for the night. I thought that was great give her some mommy little guy time. Well the days following my 4yrs old said he had a new girl friend so I was all playing with him and acting like a kid my self and ha out of know here said mama sleeps with girls I didn't think much of it because she sent me a text and said that she spent the night at her friends house with 4yr old because she had a drink and didn't want to drive. In the weekend following 4yr old said it more n more. That it when I ?ed my wife has she been with a woman she of course denied it. So I took it for what it was and just figured kids imagination. Well last week on monday I got to hamper to grab a towel and knowed over a bag a brochure fell out selling lesbian cruises I about fell over she came home and told me she thinks she's lesbian had feelings since she was a little girl I blew up totally pissed off. Not that she's a lesbian but the she cheated on me which it explained why it it is so easy for her to give up on us. Please I need help I do not want to lose my wife but If she really had changed I feel I don't stand much of a chance. Btw she filed for D and served me saturday
M48 W44 S13 S11 S4 Married 14 yrs Nov 14/13bomb dropped Feb she filed for D 1/14 End of Feb she served me 3/24 got notice to appear at F.O.C
I am sorry that you are in a difficult position. There are others on this site that have found their self in same situation. It is important that you stay strong and take care of yourself and your children. I suggest that you work with one of the coaches familiar with these type of situations and get clarity on your options. Take good care.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
I have been trying the 180 approach which is very hard to do as we have always spoken or texted one another during the day or night. Our whole dynamic has changed since she spoke of being gay. I still want to talk and text but have been holding my ground in the hope that it might be fantasy or fetish. When she leaves to go to be with partner it breaks my heart I try to just blow it off n just say ok and that's about it. But inside I'm dying and have to put on a happy face for the kids sake. I lost my temper on Monday after I got home from work I which I deeply regret showing that this is bothering me so much. After work I got home and my 4 year old was in my bed and had peed I didnt get upset with him but raised my voice in frustration which woke my wife after changing my son In raised voice and anger I expressed its bad enough that's she's been carrying on behind my back for so long now she just let's our son wet on my side of bed and that she has absolutely no respect for anything or anyone she apologized and we made the bed and went to sleep. Yes we still share the same bed it is real big but that's all we just sleep their which at first was tough but I don't feel I should have to leave the bed because it is her choice for D. I've since reverted back to the 180 and only accept calls or texts and only respond to ones that have true matters concerning kids.
M48 W44 S13 S11 S4 Married 14 yrs Nov 14/13bomb dropped Feb she filed for D 1/14 End of Feb she served me 3/24 got notice to appear at F.O.C
Well I underestand you love this lady...but you cant fight her choice, hmmm actually its not a choice, she is lesbian so basically thats something that its not gonna change.... Unless you are willing to become a woman...
Anyway just relax, and spend time with the kids, it hurts but look, she at least will be happy!! Focus on yourself and just realize that its not always about us... If she is lesbian probably all this past years were very very hard for her...
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Well I underestand you love this lady...but you cant fight her choice, hmmm actually its not a choice, she is lesbian so basically thats something that its not gonna change.... Unless you are willing to become a woman...
Anyway just relax, and spend time with the kids, it hurts but look, she at least will be happy!! Focus on yourself and just realize that its not always about us... If she is lesbian probably all this past years were very very hard for her...
As a rule, I try not to engage in "meta" (advice about the advice, rather than about the post content) but this is absolute rubbish.
I've seen DOZENS of marriages successfully reconcile after the wayward/walkaway wife thought she was a lesbian. Yes, she may have been born with this predisposition (and even then it doesn't mean that's the only way she'll be happy), but it could just as easily be a period of mid-life experimentation that is really no different than a PA with another man.
I would hate to see this poster give up so soon, thinking "there's nothing I can do." He still has a LOT of cards he can play.
I didnt went deep into his concern... Let me explain this a little further...if she is lesbian or have any other thinking/choice or whatever...its her choice at this point, it might be true or not, I am putting you in the position of accepting this as it is and focus the work on yourself....she will evenctually tell you how things are and if she is lesbian she will be able to figure it out by herself...all you can do at this point its focus on yourself and your kids... Read sandi rules and keep moving on, work on the things you dont like about yourself and again keep moving on...
I wasnt telling you to give up, I was telling you to accept that this is how she feels right now and thats all.
I dont know why she said she is lesbian, it might be true or not but the focus shouldnt be on there, instead should it be in focus on yourself at this point.
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
I'm trying the 180 approach right now. She seems to be asking more ?s but of no real matter I've just been giving short answers which require no reasking. I'm always with kids since I work night shift so I see them after school everyday which is great. Just this week my oldest had a few 1/2 days so we got to hang out more than usual which is real nice. S13 is pretty bitter about his mom he knows nothing of affair or orientation and I plan on keeping it that way. I try and show him the good about her but because of him knowing of the impending divorce he blames her and dosent want to hear it. When he does bag on her I put a stop to it right away which is hard to do because he's telling the truth. It's a tough journey right now and the help I have reviewed from this board in such a short time is greatly appreciated. Thank you
M48 W44 S13 S11 S4 Married 14 yrs Nov 14/13bomb dropped Feb she filed for D 1/14 End of Feb she served me 3/24 got notice to appear at F.O.C
so basically thats something that its not gonna change.... Unless you are willing to become a woman...