OW is NOT the problem. Yes she is a husband, cheating piece of xxx…but she is really not the problem – at least not now. The more you focus on her and their R, the more this is gonna eat at you every day. He is not going to cut ties with her, until he decided to. Notice he controls his actions? Hence YOU control YOURS. You also do not have to be “friendly” – civil is just fine. Since you guys have kids he will be in your life on some level. Just remember that YOU determine what the level is! Don’t walk to talk to him – don’t pick up the phone. Don’t want to see him. Don’t answer the door (with the exception of when it is his scheduled day with the kids). IMO, you are so afraid of what to say or do, for fear of losing him. I say F it! Stop being afriad. Tell him how you feel i.e. “no H you, me and your OW are not going to sit down and have dinner like the brady bunch family until I am ready. Do not bring this issues up to me again.” Then, IF he brings it up again – you do not respond.
Your hit the nail on the head Eric. I am scared of making the wrong move and missing my chance to have a new R with my H and to keep my family together. I need to stop second guessing myself. I need to be confident and stop trying to control everything. I realized that I have backslide on this issue since I have started slacking in GAL and 180s. When I took the focus of myself (stopped working out, going out to catch up at work), I also let my focus in the sitch which back to my H.
Originally Posted By: ericmsant2
The OM may play a role in the kids lives. They will never ever be YOU – mommy. Never. On the contrary, she may help you in an indirect way…… she may help your H with the kids, which gives YOU some time to GAL and enjoy YOUR life.
This is a tough issue for me. The A has caused me more pain than I even knew was possible. Hopefully, the OW will not play a major role in the kids lives but recognize it is a possibility. The OW is married (although her H is in prison for the next six years) and she has four kids. My H has admitted that he does not see a future with the OW, does not want to be with someone with kids and actually fears that OW's H would physically harm if he found out that OW and my H were together. I think I would have an easier time if my H entered a R with someone else after we D. I really do want my H to be happy. It just feels different if my H continues to be with the OW.
Originally Posted By: ericmsant2
Think about this for a sec…..I suspect that YOUR definition of friends is different than his. He probably knows that. So 3B…seriously, RIGHT NOW do you want to be friends with your H, who has an OW? I suspect not, in the future maybe …now..no. You need to heal first and get over the hurt, you need to step back and fall in love with you and figure out what YOU want YOUR life to be….then and maybe then….you can decide IF you want to be friends with H. My gut tells me…that the way you will feel months from now is VERY different than you feel today.
You are right. I don't want to be friends with my H if the OW is still in the picture. My H wants to be friends because he does not want me to move on and wants me as his Plan B. My H is a charmer and knows the right thing to say to keep me hanging onto the rope. I was strong and confident a few months ago because I was focusing on myself and loving myself. I left that focus shift which has gotten me stuck.
Originally Posted By: ericmsant2
FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT BEGIN TO REALLY DETACH FROM H CONTINUE TO DO WHAT IS BEST FOR THE KIDS AND YOU (H and OW are on their own) GAL KEEP HEALING.
That is my advice.
I cannot thank you enough for this advice. I keep coming back to read it and remind myself that ALL I can do is focus on ME. And let my H go.
What do I want? I want to be HAPPY. I want to stop living in fear of whether I am going to mess up my chances at R. If I focus on myself and become the person a fool would never leave and H does, then that it not on me. That is on my H.
