Redefining Hope and Success

[juliegayle]

I agree. No R talk. I think she was thinking I needed to hear he wasn't interested in M but I can get the same benefit (continuing to detach) by just telling myself that is the case.

There were 2 other things we talked about today that were interesting. She asked me if he ever did want to reconcile would I? She repeated some of the more hateful things he has said and asked if I could think about being with someone capable of saying those things? This kind of threw me. I said some hateful things during fights during our marriage. The worst was threatening to move away with s. I deeply regret many things I did and said. I realize I was very flawed and am learning to be a better person. I can't go back and unsay or undo. All I can do is hope I will be better in the future with h or someone else. Shouldn't I offer him the same kind of forgiveness? But I didn't feel comfortable saying that to my therapist.

For the record, I don't think that h is thinking about R. I think his civility probably has to do with ss15 threatening to not see him.

The other thing we talked about came from one of the TED talks suggested on Melissa's thread. It made me think about how the dynamic in our m changed somehow. When h and I met he wad very quiet and reserved and I was very social and confident. He always said that and my smile are what attracted him. I had a job that had me up in front of large groups often. I had worked hard to be like that. It did not come naturally. In high school I once faked laryngitis because I was so terrified of giving an oral presentation. I practiced and got more confident and eventually became the person I was when I met my husband.

I lost so much of myself. I used to stand in a relaxed pose with my hands on my hips. Relaxed not aggressive. It was comfortable. H hated it. He said it was a sign of being bossy. I worked really hard to stop doing it. Over the years through school and work h became more social and had new friends (often female) that he would hang out with while I was home with s. I continued to become more reserved and closed until h actually said he hated me for losing myself.

My therapist confirmed that in my early sessions I huddled on the couch. Now that I am on my own I am finding myself again. I am much more open. I talk to other parents at the playground (Instead of just following s around). Random people say hi as i walk down the street.