This whole situation is just so bizarre. I keep thinking that the issues W and I have could be resolved so easily if only she would talk to me half as honestly as she does to her girlfriends.
Why does she do that? I guess because they do nothing but validate, and I might challenge. She doesn't do challenge. She has always been insecure, and I thought that she had every reason to feel secure with me.
At her Pathways workshop, W learned that "she doesn't vocalize" and that she "internalizes" and this predates our M. I think this is good. She is learning about herself, and may find that she has her own problems that she can address. Maybe in doing so, I stop being the root of all evil.
Or do I have real problems too? Surely. And I wonder, over 18 years of seemingly a fine R and 2 kids, what didn't she vocalize that she internalized to the point of having an A and behaving as she does today?
I'm not that unapproachable or unbending. All day long at work I bring together people with disparate viewpoints and help them to work towards a common goal. No blame; just reassess and move forward. Did I oversteer? Maybe the goal wasn't as common as I thought. How can I mindread what W never voiced? Was it a sucker's bet from the outset? Lesson: if they're not talking, it's not settled.
The other night, after a minor disagreement, W did something that wasn't what she wanted and wasn't what I wanted. The next morning, I felt really good about it and thanked her for doing it and told her it was a great idea and a good compromise, that we could probably resolve other things that way. She still isn't sure that compromise is a good thing. I think she equates compromise with giving in.
I would so like to talk to W meaningfully -- hope we get to that point. W only talks to OM and enablers. Meaning W only talks to those who validate and don't challenge. I guess that's a DB lesson right there, isn't it: If you want to talk to WAW, smile and nod.
W told girlfriend that I went to dinner without her the other night. (GAL night) I would love to take W to dinner - something she complained I didn't do often enough, but it's not the time.
So what do I know from this: - I am still trying to figure W out, which is probably futile at this stage, so I'd better get back to working on me. - I still love my W, and partly because I see her growing (from time to time it's easy to have doubts) - She got more out of this workshop than months of enabler-therapist. At least she's looking inward. This gives me hope.
Sure would be nice to get this OM thing resolved, though.
