melissa, continued part 2

[melissag]

Thanks, 25. I need to reread that a few more times and let it sink in.

First off, the counseling was my idea, so of course I am going to do it. I am nervous, though. As soon as my H said yes, the image popped into my head of going to MC several years ago, and all that hurt came back in my mind, and all that desperate wishing that we could fix our M and be happy, and it was just a flood of emotion and it scared the crap out of me, and I wondered, what the heck did I get myself into??

I'm trying to walk a line here. The one where I am not a bitter, resentful, negative person who assumes the worst, yet I am not a doormat, vulnerable, pathetic person either. Right now, the space in there looks very small to me. Like a tightrope, really. My H has taught me that I cannot be vulnerable with him. And I still haven't figured out how to not be vulnerable other than to be closed off. I don't generally think of myself as a black & white kind of thinker, but this one is killing me.

I'm an emotional person. It's embarrassing sometimes. (I cry when I hear other people's children sing at a school concert, at Budweiser commercials with dogs and horses, ugh.) I do NOT want to cry in front of my H.

I don't fear that my H wants to become a more involved father. I fear that if he is genuine (or acting like it), it will hurt. A lot. And yeah, I will admit, it does really hurt me that I spent YEARS wishing he would step up as a father, and he decided to leave me to do it. I feel like I have made so much progress with myself and my self esteem and getting back to trusting myself, but I'm not there yet when it comes to my H. I am still unbelievably hurt . . . but I don't want him to see it. That's the card I don't want him to see.