Sandi2/25/Bond

[sandi2]

Just want to make sure I understand. You first had an EA. Felt guilty about it and encouraged your W to flirt with other men? Then when you discover she was in an A, your EA ended?

Did she ever understand the true reasons behind you telling her to flirt with other men? This is very important.

Did your A aburbly end? Was it really b/c you discovered her A? How did you find out about it? Have you had any contact at all with the OW since ending your EA?

I know these may seem like a lot of questions, but it helps me to get a better picture.

Loss of respect is serious. I won't say it is impossible for her to respect you again, but if she can......it will take longer than you probably realize. Do you understand that it wasn't your EA, alone, that caused the most damage? In my thinking, it would be the personal inner damage to her feminine soul when you encouraged her to flirt with other men.......and then she found out about the OW.

Men say that the worst pain they can experience is personal betrayal of their W having an A. He gets his focus more on the OM, instead of the problems that led to the A. He wants to go pun h his lights out....and that is his way of fighting for the M (in a nutshell). If he's smart and comes to the DB board, he quickly learns that is not how one fights to save his M.

Now if I had been in your W's shoes, I would have a lot of different emotions about what you did. When you talked to her about flirting, what exactly did you tell her? I mean, flirting covers a broad span for some folks. Some people think just a wink is flirtatious, and then some say sexting is flirting. I guess what I am getting at here is.....could she have felt as though you were whoring her out, so to speak? Even if not, it had to have made her feel inadequate somehow, or made her wonder why her H would ask her to do such a thing.

I don't say these things to make you feel worse, goodness knows I was in a bad stitch when I came here myself! If I can help you in some small way to better understand how most WAW's in a A feel or think, I will try. But I usually have to ask questions in the beginning. Unlike Bond (and most other men here), 25mlc and I have a harder time saying it in few words. . Your thread's title will probably catch her eye and she will be a great help to you.

I know you are feeling very sad and hopeless, but try to make out the personal goals you want to improve as a man. That is where your self respect must start.....and that is where her respect for you will begin. She has already noticed, but it will take time for her to trust again.