melissa, continued part 2

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Melissa,

Sweetie, put your dukes DOWN. You are wrecking your present, and planning on a lousy future.

I strongly suggest you re-read the brilliant & compassionate novella that Keep Going posted to you recently. I got so much out of it myself, that I copied it, for me.

Now, let's take one thing at a time and not pile on so much fear on top of anger and "history", (which is simply another way for you to keep checking the marital score card... & still trying to predict the next event, still trying to control or manipulate the outcome, which you cannot do.)

OK, 2x4 me if needed. Here is one thing I am concerned about.

We go to the counselor to talk about working through this parenting time issue. I talk to him about what I am thinking and all that, and then he just has all the info while not giving up anything himself. Kind of like showing all my cards and giving him all my power.


Wow...that is some MAJOR negative projecting here...^^^.

Melissa, truly this^^ does Not help you. It sets you both up for a lose lose scenario. That set up is the direct result of your projections, which you must stop asap.

Use the tools Keepgoing suggested and that STOP SIGN needs to be in your face often...OKAY?

1) He already knows what you think. You have "showed your cards," repeatedly. So You are not giving out any information that is not already out there.

2) Oh & btw, Both of you MUST communicate your wants to the court, anyhow.

3) Who said He'll remain silent? Who decided he will Not speak up to express his wishes? That fear makes no sense to me. I'd think he'd want his fatherly interests all on record.

4) Who decided that speaking up means you give away power? It's just the opposite, b/c I think silence means you are pursuing no plan, & therefore gaining nothing.


I don't want to make this into a game, but I distrust him with every cell in my body right now.

But You are making it into a game. To you, it's a high stakes game of poker, played with a cheater. That perception hurts all of you.

I know you distrust your h. I get that.

But this isn't about you trusting him with your heart, it's about sharing the children you two have. They love & need their dad, probably more than he realizes. Possibly more than you realize.

So stop making this about you losing power or showing your cards, and start making it only about how to more smoothly transition your children into their new situation.

Melissa, You are the sahm. He's the "rich jerky professional who left his family". He has more to lose than you do.

Hey Melissa! Here me out before you turn on your Maximum Resistors.

You both will lose time with your kids, b/c he won't come home to them at night, or have them all weekends and some holidays. I realize that was HIS choice. We all get that.

But he's still going to experience loss. So are you & So are your children. That stinks, but it is what it is.


While you'll lose time with your kids, you'll also gain some free time.


Melissa, ^^ that sentence is an example of me taking a negative side effect, and admitting that there is also a positive dimension to it. It's not delusional. It's accurate, and it helps ME to have a happier life & disposition. I lose no power in here; I gain perspective and a PMA.

You can mourn the loss of dreams and hopes, but you ought not to wallow in them, and then blame him for all the negative possibilities that may never even happen.

Let's engage the fear/resentment based emotions now, for a minute.

What harm will come to you by expressing your intentions and goals, in front of a c? (Isn't it exactly what you wanted?)

What cards do you have, that your h has not already seen?

What do you really fear?

My guess is that your real fears are

1) he'll seem like a more involved father than you think he is,

AND OR

2) you won't look like the loving mother you are.

If he seems like a more involved father, it could be because he IS becoming a better more involved father, which you agreed would be a very good thing.

If you come off as an unloving mother, well, then I guess we'll find out that deep down you really are a monster sociopath and it'll ALL be revealed soon...

in other words, this^^ piece, is about you, & your self esteem and some internal issues you have not come to terms with.

IMO, You are not at peace with yourself. That's not your h's fault.

But it is your responsibility to repair your self esteem, and it's your work to do.

You cannot refuse to talk to him in front of a c, and look reasonable. If I were you, I'd want to assist in the selection of that c, and move forward. Stop living in fear.