Working on Divorce Busting every Day!

[melissag]

One of his biggest complaints was lack of respect from me Granted I had to think today regarding this issue am I arguining for the sake of arguining or is this what I truly feel. In the long run - will it truly matter if she goes 3 or 5 days a week to preschool. No not really. There are tons of issues that we will have to resolve together for our children. This one is not worth falling on my sword over.
Thanks DBs - last year before BD I would have argued, pouted etc. and just did things my way.

Be careful with this, Mic. I think it is great if you are choosing your battles, and compromising as parents should. However . . . watch that you are not going against your values/instincts as a Mom. In the first couple of months of DBing, I was trying so hard to 180 that I think I went a little too far in agreeing with my H about parenting things. (One of his complaints was that I didn't support his parenting style and I would disagree with things he did/said.) I regret that now . . . I went against my own parenting instincts to the detriment of my children. It was nothing that will cause a lasting trauma or anything, of course, but it still bothers me.

But yes, I think the way to go is what you did - really dig deep and make sure that you are separating arguing/disagreeing with your H from your true desires/instincts. If you truly don't care that much, no point in battling. But if you do, don't talk yourself into caring less just to be agreeable.

Just my $.02.

[MrBond]

"watch that you are not going against your values/instincts as a Mom. In the first couple of months of DBing, I was trying so hard to 180 that I think I went a little too far in agreeing with my H about parenting things. (One of his complaints was that I didn't support his parenting style and I would disagree with things he did/said.) I regret that now . . . I went against my own parenting instincts to the detriment of my children. "

To be fair, you know us fathers also have instincts too when it comes to raising kids. The mother's way isn't always the "right" way.

[Mic]

Ok I'm going for a very difficult 180. For the next week on here I am only going to try and post positives about my H. I know all my friends and family told me all I did our entire marriage was complain about how horrible he was and I was never happy. They have stated that I seem so much happier and the only reason I wanted him back is because I just don't like giving up.
I am terrified to do this because I am afraid it will make me hurt even more the day the final papers are signed and I know our marriage is completely and irretrievably over.
One more thing the last week he is fine to text and call, lots to discuss with 3 young kids and he will iniate most of the texts.
But it's like he can't stand to be in the same room with me. He even had his dad here when I was nursing my son. I had told him this was fine before. He's not cold just like he cannot get away from me fast enough.
Perhaps his dad told him that our daughter 2 screamed at the door for me not to leave and I cried as I left. I know I have to detach but when your daughter is screaming don't go I cry.
Today when he walked in to pick the oldest up for judo the 2 tear old hugged him and said mommy your not leaving me are you.
Who knows why he is avoiding me. I just am trying to smile and be pleasant.
Okay positives:
Paid for 2 year olds Montessori. My parents paid for all 3 years of oldest because H refused to.
He is paying for a number of house repairs even though neither of us know who will get house 1.
He gave me another exercise tape from his collection without me asking.
2 weeks ago he told me to be really careful when I told him about indoor rock climbing. He said you could get hurt.
mind reading again.
Is this a good 180 for me? Or am I just prolonging the hurt in my heart. Everyone keeps telling me soon u will wake up and will care less if u ever see him again. Just not there yet.
Thoughts.
I will answer the response to my last post soon. Thanks for all of these.

[labug]

Mic, it's difficult isn't it? it takes courage to let go of control and really listen to what the other person is saying. Sometimes we do hold onto our position because we don't want to be wrong.

You know that this really isn't about who's right and who's wrong because there can be middle ground that meets everyone's needs. Working to find that creates more opportunity in the future and a healthier environment for your D. I think sometimes Dad's (from what I've seen) tend to "overcorrect" to reclaim their place in their children's lives in reaction to how they "felt" (yes, they may be reacting emotionally)in the past.

I'm not making a judgment either way, it is what it is. If he wants to become a great dad, allow him the space to do that. You may be pleasantly surprised.

I'm going to challenge you about this: I wanted to say how dare you think you have any decision in the parenting of these children when I believe that destroying a family and a divorce is the WORST possible thing you can do to children. Yes this is what I believe and no one can change my mind on that. I did not say any of that. Just thought it:)

It's good that you just thought it, but the challenge is to stop yourself when you being to think these thoughts. It's a subtle form of score keeping which keeps you stuck and in the one-up position.

The truth in most marriages is that both sides start to sleep-walk through it, neither giving much attention to the R that created these precious little ones. I used to think women who claimed the marriage should come first and the children second were a bit coocooforcocopuffs.

I view that stand very differently now.

I would guess that your H thinks he did everything he could but it just wasn't going to work. His truth is just as true to him as yours is to you.

Let go of the resentment. Change your perspective. It's a practice, you really have to work on it but it will be so helpful.

[melissag]

To be fair, you know us fathers also have instincts too when it comes to raising kids. The mother's way isn't always the "right" way.

I recognize that. I apologize if I offended. There were a few particular situations where I went along with my H in order to support him, but I feel that the way he handled those situations was not the best for my kids. I felt that I let them down as their Mom by going along with something I felt was wrong.

Was the way my H handled the situations objectively wrong? I am not sure there is an objective standard. I just have to go with my Mom instinct. Going against it didn't make me feel better for making things peaceful with my H. It made me feel worse for going against it.

If my H felt that his instinct was to handle it the way he did, and he wanted to honor that, OK. I get it. We see things differently. But I won't "sell out" to appease my H anymore. He can do what he wants, but I don't have to support him.

[MrBond]

"I recognize that. I apologize if I offended."

No offense taken. Many women feel that way and unfortunately, so do the courts. There are many sitches here where the woman was the one to walk away, have an A, etc. and yet they want sole custody of the kids and say they are better suited to be a parent than the H.

"There were a few particular situations where I went along with my H in order to support him, but I feel that the way he handled those situations was not the best for my kids."

But you also have to understand that he probably was doing it for the same reasons. He felt it was best for the kids. He wouldn't do anything to hurt the kids right?

"I felt that I let them down as their Mom by going along with something I felt was wrong."

He would have felt the same way. Trust me, I think every man on here can relate feeling overtaken by their W's decisions. That leads to the W not listening to the concern of the H.

"Was the way my H handled the situations objectively wrong? I am not sure there is an objective standard. I just have to go with my Mom instinct. Going against it didn't make me feel better for making things peaceful with my H. It made me feel worse for going against it."

Ane he also has a Dad instinct. You are seeing through the eyes of emotion. He is seeing through the eyes of logic and practicality. Most Men are problem solvers while most women are nurturers when it comes to kids. The key is to try and see the other person's point of view even if it goes contrary to what you believe. There are many times I felt shut down by my W because she thought she knew what was best for the kids.

[melissag]

Sorry, mic, for the hijack.

Bond - I know that my H has his own views on parenting, and he is welcome to them. Some of his tactics I disagree with 100%. That doesn't mean he can't use them, but it does mean I will not support him. For a short while, when I was desperately trying to get him to stay, I 180d too far and I supported him in those tactics that I disagree with. (Such as, 4-hour long power struggles with my S7.) Now I have to live with myself for doing that.

I'm not saying that mic's parenting is correct and her H's isn't. I am saying that if she feels strongly about something, she should not go against her parenting values in order to appease her H. That doesn't mean don't take his thoughts into consideration, or let's just assume you are right and he is wrong. Just, stand up for what you think is right, if it's important to you. Whether it's with regard to parenting or anything else.

[Mic]

Okay as a very difficult 180 for me to list positive things my stbx has done this past week. This is really difficult and I'm not really sure why I am doing this since seeing him as a good person just hurts my heart more. Since I complained about him constantly my whole marriage to everyone I'm going to list some good attributes.
Children were very ill this week. He sent the girls balloons and flowers. Asked if I needed help. Told him it was up to him if he wanted to come over.(Thought to myself he is no longer my husband I cannot rely on him for anything - I am now a single mom) I think that is the hardest part - He does not want to be my husband but wants to be my friend and take care of me. I am having a VERY hard time separating the two. DB experts please way in on this. I know everyone says No expectations and I am trying so hard but when he's nice or wants to help it just hurts to know he doesn't love me at all. His actions seem to me to be love I guess just not husbandly love for a wife. Wow I am having such a hard hard time with this.
He never came over so I assume he did not want to really come over. Texted me the next day and said "good job on taking care of 3 kids as it had to be a bear taking care of all three being sick" - My first thought was to be offended that he is telling the mother of his children thank you for taking care of my own kids when they are sick but I just let it go and didn't respond.
Last night I recieve a call at 2 a.m. from him about all our horses being on the road. He first tries to blame our volunteers but then it turns out as I pointed out that it was the houseworkers that are remodeling our farm. He went out and rounded them up. I dragged the kids out of bed and met him at the farm. Not a fun night. (Kudo's to me for responding to him in a firm and polite manner -even 3 months ago I would have just agreed with whatever he said and would not have stood up for myself. - I stand up for myself all the time now)Anyhow he took care of the problem and we got it peacefully resolved.
I have been listening to other people talk about their marriages and think Wow - we seemed to have a better marriage than you guys - Why did ours fail so miserably. If I had a chance to redo this I would be the best wife in the world. I know I have to let go. I even spoke to my pastor about this topic this weekend. I have to let go and accept that I am getting divorced and am going to be a single mom. That nothing in this world will change that fact. Boy is that so hard.
I am trying to lay the groundwork for what we can accomplish in mediation where both of us come out reasonably happy. I keep hearing good things about mediation so am glad there will be a third party. Maybe I won't cry the whole way through it:)
As for getting a life - I have been listening to my friends problems and only there problems and trying not to bring up my issues at all. They have been there for me and as much as it seems that the whole world revolves around my problems it does not and everyones issues are just as important and hurt just as much.
Also my best friend wants me to take a pole dancing class with her. That will be fun and WAY out of my comfort zone.
2x4s please

[Mic]

Okay I have to detach and just go no contact. Everyone is telling me to let go and move on. I'm not sure how I can do thst with 3 kids but I have got to let go and move on . I hope eventually all my feelings are gone because this is to hard. I have got to work on no contact.

[labug]

I'm not sure how I can do that with 3 kids but I have got to let go and move on.

Work at it everyday. Unfortunately it won't be fast or painless but it is doable.

I like to think of moving forward rather than moving on. Subtle difference, yes, but for me moving on has the ring of defeat, moving forward connotes creating a new life for you, becoming the person you are meant to be.

k_g wrote a great post with wonderful suggestions here

Have you read her threads? She was in a very similar place, with 3 small kids one a newborn.