Barrybran IV - Three Years Forward, 30 Years Back

[Barrybran]

Bloody wife. Asking me for advice about a car she found (we need a new one) and saying "if I (she) apply for a loan" *shakes head*

[Barrybran]

Boy it takes some effort biting your tongue sometimes. I took two 50m strands of fairy lights down from our patio last week and rolled them up around my arm to keep them neat. My wife and I kept the fairy lights and the rest of our wedding items to hire out to other people due to the lack of wedding/function equipment in our town. We had to hire some out at short notice so my wife decided to unravel the strands, twisting them up in the process. She becomes frustrated and starts snapping at me so I left her alone until she asked for help. She continues to snap at me but I just unravel what I can as she's pulling on the leads. We eventually get it unraveled and a bit of miscommunication ensues (my fault) but I stay calm and walk away.

Geez I wanted to snap back. Glad I didn't though.

[Upwards]

Well done, glad you managed to bite your tongue. I think the more detached we are the easier that is usually. I'm hoping this period of NC with my H will help me detach too.

[Barrybran]

I hope it does. Detachment is definitely a positive thing.

[Lostforwords]

Patience leads to better focus on the big picture;
Better focus on the big leads to improved listening and hearing;
Improved listening and hearing leads to enlightened perspective;
Enlightened perspective leads to strong communication; and
strong communication leads to healthy relationships!

So B....Did you listen to her thoughts on the loan or did you just roll your eyes? Was that good communication?

[Barrybran]

I acknowledged but didn't respond to the loan statement. My wife is currently treating everything in her life as hers and I'm respecting that. Some questions she asked tonight lead me to believe that she's considering trying to purchase a new car on her own but that would be mindreading. I'm trying to put money away for a new car in the event that we reconcile because I know she wants it and I'm a diligent saver. Unfortunately, I'm not saving the amount my wife and I had budgeted and I'm in the process of trying to determine where our money is being spent so we can work towards eliminating waste and equalising spending so we both have some spare cash.

[Barrybran]

I couldn't bite my tongue this morning. I arranged doctors appointments for the kids and I for after school today and before my wife went to work I clarified with her what I had to address at their respective appointments. My D4 is due for immunisations and before booking appointments I asked her where I had to get them done. My wife said that the community health clinic administered the immunisations but a doctor had to check D4 over so I booked her in for a an appointment to do so. My wife said this morning she never said anything about the doctor. Naturally, my heart starts racing because I know I clarified this and acted accordingly.

I decided to stand up for myself. I, as calmly as possible (ie. not very but I kept my voice down), told her that I am working on my listening skills and that whilst I will make some mistakes from time to time, I had asked her about the process and followed her instructions on this occasion. She argued the point to which I said we'll "agree to disagree on this one" and reiterated that I am working on being a better listener.

Seriously, it's like talking to my Dad sometimes. I know I have my flaws, I know I've been guilty of not listening but I'm working on it. I just want to be able to talk to a rational person again. Grrrr.

[Barrybran]

You'd think I'd learn to have no expectations by now. I thought my wife would be staying somewhere else tonight but low and behold, she's here at home and going nowhere. We're hanging out in different rooms though. I'm watching football and hemming my workpants while she's doing whatever she wants to do.

I had an awkward moment tonight. My kids were still at home when my wife called asking if I'd organised anything for dinner. Not knowing what she was doing and expecting the kids to be gone I'd held off. My wife is free to do what she likes but I can't just cook for myself. It's rude and discourteous in my opinion and whilst she might not like me much at the moment, she's still my wife and she still shares the bills with me. That means I'll still cook for her if I'm cooking for myself. On top of that, I think it would set a poor example to the kids if they see me excluding Mum so I'm jut not going there. Throw the kids in too and I didn't know if I was cooking for 1, 2 or 5.

My wife told me she'd cook and it was just the two of us. I tried to express to her what I wrote above and messed it up. I don't even remember what I said. It was a whole bunch of "umm" and "uhh". My wife told me a few weeks ago to tell her how I feel but I just don't feel I can talk to her right now. I'd love to be able to but every time I do I get attitude and a bag full of 'I'm right'. To my wife's credit, she's been right way more often than I ever gave her credit for but I'd love to have a mature, adult-to-adult conversation about things that are troubling the both of us rather than rudeness and sarcasm. In the end, I just don't bother. I figure if she ever wants to talk she'll let me know. Besides, I'm probably supposed to steer clear of contentious items anyway and stick to the real important stuff. It's pretty confusing at times.

So my weekend has changed slightly. My wife will start the day at home and who knows where she'll wind up. I'll get a sleep in tomorrow having agreed to work tomorrow night instead of tomorrow morning. That will give me an opportunity to go to the gym and get on top of the housework tomorrow morning instead of after work. Sunday will be free for yardwork so here's hoping the weather stays clear.

I hope everyone else is having a far less foggy day

[Barrybran]

I've just finished a night at work and I've come home to unwind for the day. My wife is at home which surprised me. She's building a display cabinet while watching a movie so I go and shower, come back out and sit down and she says "I was enjoying my alone time". Sounds like as good an excuse as any to watch sport :p

[Barrybran]

Well we've just had our first marriage-related decorative casualty. My wife took down a 100cm x 50cm canvas of the two of us from our wedding day to put up the new display cabinet. I guess we're in for a bumpy ride for a while yet. At least she stayed home this weekend to do it so that's gotta be a positive haha.

I had a good day today. I started the day by driving down to the gym, finding out it was closed and coming home again. So much for that idea. I decided to jump into the housework and as my wife went to work, I had the house to myself. I got a far bit done with the dishes, laundry, and the surfaces and floors of the living areas. I watched a combination of NCAA and NBA and read some more 5LL. I'm about half way through now and I'm convinced that my wife will have to read this if she wants to be a part of our marriage again. In fact, whoever I wind up with is going to have to read it though obviously, I'd like that person to be my wife.

It got me thinking today about how I used to write poems for my wife. I stopped doing it at the same times I started withdrawing from her. She loved my poems. I know it's something I'll have to reintroduce if/when the time is right. I think I'll have to take a bit of a stocktake of my relationship with my wife when I finish the book. I've not done any of the homework stuff from the three books I've read so far as I've wanted to get through them and get as much knowledge in. I've taken many mental notes but it'll be interesting to go back and start committing thoughts to paper and really get to know my wife and I.