"I've always loved the idea of summer, and sun, and all things hot . . . "
So I learned today my H refuses to agree to a temporary parenting plan of any sort unless I agree to begin 50/50, 5-2-2-5 on a set date. (My last proposal was that I agreed to his temporary parenting plan and schedule but said we should see how the kids do and make appropriate changes if needed in late May. I am trying to keep it about the kids, he seems to be keeping it about himself.)
Sigh. So the next step is to get a PRE. I am going to talk with my L tomorrow morning to see whether that is a hoop worth jumping through (and paying for).
It would be much easier if I could discuss this with my H, or if he would listen to what I say, accept that what I say is true, and have a rational discussion about it.
So tonight I asked him if he would consider going to counseling, not to talk about our M, but to help us to have a good co-parenting R going forward, for the sake of our kids. I highly doubt this is something he wants to do, but I am not sure he can say no given that he is supposedly looking out for the kids.
I had IC today, and my class (it's kind of a self-empowerment class for women in transition, and it has been awesome), and I realized some things I need to work on. My biggest block right now is fear and not trusting myself. I used to be very confident and had a great sense of self. It is still there, but has been so rejected and undermined by my H, slowly over the years, that I am afraid to take it back, because it is easier to believe the negative things he thinks about me than to risk believing in myself and then getting emotionally annihilated again.
^^^ That is where I need to go in IC. I am definitely a lot better than I was just after BD (or really, for many years before BD!), but still have a long way to go.
I don't think that my H is a terrible, bad person . . . I think that he probably was attracted to me because of my strong sense of self, but then it felt threatening to him so he tore it down. (FTR yes, I know I had my part in things and hurt him too.) It makes me sad because there is that side to him that I adore, and there was a part of our R that was so great. In fact, I am very nervous at the thought of counseling bc I don't want to have any tender feelings toward him again. Too hard.
In other news, we all passed our belt testing in TKD - woot!
I should go to sleep because I have to wake up early to clean up for the cleaning lady . . . how weird is that?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
