H called tonight to discuss plans for tomorrow. H mentioned his night last night with the kids. H wound up sleeping at our house with just the kids because he had planned to have the kids spend the night at his place but his parents were sick. I offered to stay at my parents because I did not want the kids to get sick and I really needed a good nights sleep.
H mentions that S3 and S5 fell asleep on him last night. He said that it is his favorite thing in the entire world to put them to sleep.
I realized that H was always so focused on other stuff that he never experienced these little pieces of joy with the kids. H had no idea that he was even missing anything. For the first time, H is slowing down and enjoying how amazing these little guys truly are.
3boyz . . . that's awesome. I can't tell you how long I have spent wishing my H would appreciate those little things. I'm glad your H is finding joy in your sweet boys.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I have been completely overwhelmed with life - work, kids, sitch, boundaries, interactions with H. You all provided great advice and asked she really great questions but I know that I am not in a good place to know what I really want. It does not help that I billed over 18 hours today at work and mg head is spinning.
I need to set some short term goals for myself. I have gotten away from these little goals. So here are my goals for the next few days:
1. Cross off the tasks on my to do list at work by Friday COB. They are long overdue and I need them offy plate. 2. Join the gym to help focus on me and to help GAL again.
These small goals helped me in the past and I hope that focusing on the small things can get me back on track!!
Love your goals 3! You are putting in some major hours at work!
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
3, sorry to hear you are so slammed at work. I hope things settle down for you soon. This is why I fear going back to work as a lawyer - it can be so demanding!
Yes, yes, yes on the gym! I can't believe how much better I feel when I go to the gym (and yoga) regularly.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
3, sorry to hear you are so slammed at work. I hope things settle down for you soon. This is why I fear going back to work as a lawyer - it can be so demanding!
Honestly, my job is usually awesome. I even get to work from home two days a week. The past couple of months have just been unusual. In my department, there are eight associates. Two are out on maternity leave and two have been dealing with cancer diagnosis (and serve as a reminder that life could be much more difficult than my current sitch). We have also been dealing with an abnormal winter here in VA. We have had more snow in March than we did the past two winters combined. We are never closed for snow, but have been closed at least six times this winter and twice in the past two weeks. Hopefully things will get back to normal soon.
Originally Posted By: melissag
Yes, yes, yes on the gym! I can't believe how much better I feel when I go to the gym (and yoga) regularly.
Goal accomplished. I signed up for the gym this morning!! Feeling productive. It also helps that the sun is shining today for the first time since Saturday
[quote=ericmsant2] The two above quotes is the issue that I see. You are still hurt, understandably so, but it is the HURT that is driving your choices. Figure out what you want and what you can live with. You cannot expect for him to change, leave ow, or to be the type of friend that you want him to be. What you can do, is determine what you want. [quote]
You are right Eric. I am still hurt by the A and how my H treated me. The good thing is that I have learned to come here and let out my pain and anger and not reach immediately based on emotions.
The hard part is figuring out what I want. I realize that I am letting fear drive my decisions....more on this below.
[quote=ericmsant2] (((hugs))…Yep it [censored]. They are gonna cry. IMO, this is where YOU can make a difference for THEM. You can explain to them that they will have dinner with Daddy on X day and that maybe sometime in the future they will have dinner with mom and dad. This is where you can show them strength, you can show them that regardless, even if the family unit is changing it STILL IS A FAMILY. Just a little different than what they are used to. You can also help show them how to ACCEPT change and how not to be afraid of change. Lessons they will keep for life. [quote]
This is one thing that I know I am doing right. I originally set our custody schedule up for this exact reason. H wanted it to be completely flexible (just decide at the last minute) but I knew that we needed a default schedule that could be modified if needed. S5 needs to know the schedule in advance. He asks all the time when he is going to be with me or H. If they get upset, I always point out when they get to see H again, or me again or when we may even have dinner as a family.
[quote=ericmsant2] STOP EXPECTING something different from him. EXPECTATION = DISAPPOINTMENT, which leads to hurt, anger and fustration. ACCEPT where he is today. It takes a lot of practice 3B…a lot…but you can get there. [quote]
Intellectually, I can accept where he is. Before having a conversation, I can pretty much predict what H will say or how he will react, which helps to minimize the hurt and frustration. My heart is still slow to catch up. I am having a hard time processing the fact that there is not one person in the world that my H has treated worse than me (at least in the 15 years that I have known him). I just cant wrap my head and heart around the fact that my H shows no remorse or empathy for what he did to me. I know that it will take time and probably years of therapy to move past that pain. But I am working hard to try and get there.
OW is NOT the problem. Yes she is a husband, cheating piece of xxx…but she is really not the problem – at least not now. The more you focus on her and their R, the more this is gonna eat at you every day. He is not going to cut ties with her, until he decided to. Notice he controls his actions? Hence YOU control YOURS. You also do not have to be “friendly” – civil is just fine. Since you guys have kids he will be in your life on some level. Just remember that YOU determine what the level is! Don’t walk to talk to him – don’t pick up the phone. Don’t want to see him. Don’t answer the door (with the exception of when it is his scheduled day with the kids). IMO, you are so afraid of what to say or do, for fear of losing him. I say F it! Stop being afriad. Tell him how you feel i.e. “no H you, me and your OW are not going to sit down and have dinner like the brady bunch family until I am ready. Do not bring this issues up to me again.” Then, IF he brings it up again – you do not respond.
Your hit the nail on the head Eric. I am scared of making the wrong move and missing my chance to have a new R with my H and to keep my family together. I need to stop second guessing myself. I need to be confident and stop trying to control everything. I realized that I have backslide on this issue since I have started slacking in GAL and 180s. When I took the focus of myself (stopped working out, going out to catch up at work), I also let my focus in the sitch which back to my H.
Originally Posted By: ericmsant2
The OM may play a role in the kids lives. They will never ever be YOU – mommy. Never. On the contrary, she may help you in an indirect way…… she may help your H with the kids, which gives YOU some time to GAL and enjoy YOUR life.
This is a tough issue for me. The A has caused me more pain than I even knew was possible. Hopefully, the OW will not play a major role in the kids lives but recognize it is a possibility. The OW is married (although her H is in prison for the next six years) and she has four kids. My H has admitted that he does not see a future with the OW, does not want to be with someone with kids and actually fears that OW's H would physically harm if he found out that OW and my H were together. I think I would have an easier time if my H entered a R with someone else after we D. I really do want my H to be happy. It just feels different if my H continues to be with the OW.
Originally Posted By: ericmsant2
Think about this for a sec…..I suspect that YOUR definition of friends is different than his. He probably knows that. So 3B…seriously, RIGHT NOW do you want to be friends with your H, who has an OW? I suspect not, in the future maybe …now..no. You need to heal first and get over the hurt, you need to step back and fall in love with you and figure out what YOU want YOUR life to be….then and maybe then….you can decide IF you want to be friends with H. My gut tells me…that the way you will feel months from now is VERY different than you feel today.
You are right. I don't want to be friends with my H if the OW is still in the picture. My H wants to be friends because he does not want me to move on and wants me as his Plan B. My H is a charmer and knows the right thing to say to keep me hanging onto the rope. I was strong and confident a few months ago because I was focusing on myself and loving myself. I left that focus shift which has gotten me stuck.
Originally Posted By: ericmsant2
FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT BEGIN TO REALLY DETACH FROM H CONTINUE TO DO WHAT IS BEST FOR THE KIDS AND YOU (H and OW are on their own) GAL KEEP HEALING.
That is my advice.
I cannot thank you enough for this advice. I keep coming back to read it and remind myself that ALL I can do is focus on ME. And let my H go.
What do I want? I want to be HAPPY. I want to stop living in fear of whether I am going to mess up my chances at R. If I focus on myself and become the person a fool would never leave and H does, then that it not on me. That is on my H.
