Melissa you're too kind, you are an inspiration. Thanks K, Upwards and ye.
K I wasnt able to go to church last sunday....I thought I was off but got a call that morning asking why I wasnt at work. Totally didnt know they put me on the schedule....but I have 2 more sundays before I move to hopefully get the courage to atleast wave lol
Well today...my phone rang...the number is for the city I live near so I assumed it was a job....then it clicked that it was H's number....crap....to answer or not to answer...that is the question? I decide to answer and just get it over with.
His voice sounded different....maybe from becoming more like the people where he is?
He immediately asked if I recieved the mail he sent and told me he will continue to mail me checks until the loan I gave him is paid off. I toldmhim I will be moving in another week or so, so please mail them to my parents address. He said "ok....are you moving back to there?"
I said "no"........*crickets* lol
the he asked how I was and I kept all my answers pretty short ... told him all was well...working etc...then I asked how he was and he said "I am fine personally...just looking for the next opportunity" Then he start talking about his family issues...(which always to precedence over our life).. I listened and responded.
He asked about my family and the dog. I told him I finally was able to teach the dog to roll over (its hard to get him to concentrate and sit still so he only knew 3 tricks). H sounded genuinely excited about that...I told him how when you reach for a treat the dog automatically starts rolling over and over, he laughed.
He asked me if I planned on doing my taxes seperately...I said yes....he said he figured that I would. He said the government resent our refund check from our first year of marriage, it was a $3 check...we didnt cash it. He saidnhe was going to send it to me (not sure why? Maybe as a joke becuase when we initially got it a few years ago we had a good time laughing...like what are we going to do with $3...what a sad refund..well at least we didnt owe) . So I made a joke and told him he could go ahead and keep the money, I'm not struggling that bad...to dogs bowl is full with food. He laughed and said he didnt mean he was sending it to help me out.
it was nice to make him laugh...its something I always loved to do.
He asked me about the email I sent in January...he asked me if it was in refference to anything in particular..I told him I didn't know what he meant. He said the tine of the email was funny (as in strange) he specifically mention there was a part in the email where I asked him to not forward my emails to anyone. He asked was there a specific event behind that statement. (Yes H, yes there is...when insnooped I saw he sent my email pleading with him to not give up on us....to his sister w/ the heading "this wont be pretty".) But I am no idiot...so I told him there was nothing behind it...I just want things to stay between us. He said o, okay.
He brought up is family issues again and he sounded prety negative about it...so I told him he has to go in to the situation w/ a positive outlook he cant speak negativity over it before he gets involved. He said "o, really?!" with a lauh... He sounded surprised by my saying that advice.
I told him I had to get ready for work and that I would get the divorce documents back to him by he end of next week. He said there is no rush/that he didnt call to put a rush on it. He told me he is pretty sure I shouldnt be required to travel there for court, but if I am he will pay for the flight.
I responded with a laugh "the flight, the hotel, and any other expenses.."(jokingly...but serious at the same time)
he said "whoaaaa, hotels are expensive here...like $1500 a night"
I said "I deserve it"
He said "you do deserve it I just dont have that type of money" and he laughed
Not sure if he was saying I would stay with him if I had to go there for court...i didnt ask...but hopefully I wont have to travel there.
We ended the coversation. Overall it was pretty upbeat...I was genuinely in a good mood and not simply "acting as if"...I was happy after the coversation b/c I feel like I won.
This was the first convo I have been almost 100% myself....not nervous tonsay the wrongnthing b/c I dont care anymore....not on egg shells scared to say something that may push him away. Felt good.
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope