I am pretty sure she is having an MLC. What now?

[nyk]

Hello all and thanks for reading,
I strongly beleive my W is in a MLC.
This started awhile ago, since her dad passed in 09. He was 51 and one of my closest friends too. She never really grieved the loss, just concerned herself with everyone else including me and our 3 sons.
One of our twins became ill shortly after and was hospitalized for several weeks with collapsed lungs. After he recovered my W ruptured her achilles, recovered, lost 40 lbs, and became a fitness junkie more than ever. The manufacturing plant which employs both of us announced a planned closure, and I lost my job shortly thereafter (she will lose hers this year).
I was pretty sure what was going on when she became infatuated with her fitness (I got fit too). We bought motorcycles and learned to ride them together. She cut her hair different and pierced her belly button-big change for a normally conservative lady. I thought I was being cooperative with this, as I believed she was experiencing a mild MLC.
Now for my mistakes...I have/had an anger management problem. Mostly temper tantrums and yelling, reverted back to parental training. I also became absorbed in my education, employment and projects in the garage-mostly selfish pursuits. I was unable to go to my sons doctor appointments etc. due to the lack of understanding in my new job-very old school factory. I hung alot of the burdens in the house and with the kids on my wife the past couple years, but I explained to her that this would change when I get more time at the job and some personal/vacation time.
Last summer I noticed something had really changed. We were not making time for each other. She was wrapped up in her exercising and the kids, while I was focused on work school and projects.
She became friends with a guy from work. He and his GF visited our home and we visited them-became friends. There were alot of rumors, but my W has had many male friends in the past without an issue so I was not too concerned. In August we had a few arguments, on in which I told her I had no time for her (I meant it as a frustration and wanted her help, but she took it like I did not want to have time for her). The next argument I accused her of having feelings for the OM. She admitted she did and our in house separation began.
We both went for counseling. Me for anger management, her for codependency. I slept in the spare bedroom. She did not want to be in the relationship and almost filed. We both visited lawyers to get perspective on what to expect (she told me later she nearly filed then).
The holidays were horrible, and after Jan 1 she asked me to move out so she could "be", which is what her therapist asked her to do. I moved. Our children live with her in the family home.
She has become the "fun" parent, letting the kids slide from my "controlling ways." I have tried to be less controlling and the kids have noticed how calm and less angry I am.
She does not want any relationship talk, but when we meet (kid pickup or drop-off) she always leads me into talking about the R and her telling me I am manipulative, selfish, or controlling. I do not believe this, but it hurts to hear it from her. She passively blames me for her disappointing career, our finances, the broken stuff around the house, my son's anger problems...but says in the same sentence it is not just my fault. Occasionally she says "sorry" to me a ton of times and says it is all her "fault".
My first therapist encouraged me to push for the relationship all I could, which obviously pushed her away more. He retired. My new therapist wanted me to give my W an ultimatum, but thankfully I started reading about MLC and declined to push her anymore.
I plan to be in this for the long haul. I understand this is a crisis for her-not about me.
I moved out to give her space, and I am trying to stay in contact with my kids as much as possible. I call morning and night, take them to dinner on Wednesdays, and attend as many sporting events as I can. Since I moved out of this codependent relationship I am much calmer and sleep better.
I am working on me and this post, although long, is helping.
I fully believe she is in a MLC, but she hasn't abandoned the kids and takes good care of them-even though the rule bending has them confused. Occasionally she calls crying over something that my angry son says or does and I try to help without being too pushy about what I am working on.
This is my point: What else should I be doing? Different therapist? More reading (I have read about 4 books since moving out)? Get a life-I am working on that too.
Any suggestions would be great and thanks for reading this novel...lol