Sandi - if she is miserable, she does a fairly decent job trying to conceal it from me. At times I think her definition of happiness is finding someone else and just starting over again fresh.
S is feeling much better, thank you. I resorted to sneak attacks with his meds. If he was wrapped up in Angry Birds or something I would quickly swoop in and give them to him before he had a chance to run or cry....and then give him some water to wash it down with. He still cried - but not as much.
Just to keep everyone up to speed - couple of things....
I took Monday and Tuesday off for S spring break from preschool. We had a pretty good time together and did a lot. The handoff to XW was rough....really rough. We were leaving a mall after getting ice cream and he asked where we were going....I told him we had to go to mama's and he started sobbing....hard. And I know the fakes ones and this was not that. He asked "how many minutes" he had to be there while choking on his own tears. At that point I started to fight back my own. Still sobbing, he said "I'm going to miss you" and then shattered my heart by saying through his sobs "when am I going to see you again?". I couldn't even open my mouth at that point, my voice was cracking. It was silent after that for the whole drive and as I looked in the rearview mirror his face was long and his demeanor was despondent. I just reach back and grabbed his hand and he gripped my forearm.
When we got to XWs place he was silent, but very sad in his mannerisms. He gripped onto my leg and wouldn't really let go....started sobbing his eyes out again. I picked him up and hugged him....then handed him to XW, he reached back out for one more hug, still crying, and then the door closed. XW and S watched me walk away from through the window.
Water poured from my eyes the whole drive home.
My heart breaks every time that happens and I am left to wonder how in the world a mother could witness that happening to her son and think that the decisions that she has made for his life are "good" ones. I am sure many of you have lived through it yourselves - it is brutal....and it has not gotten any easier for me OR him throughout this whole ordeal. I am tearing up just recounting it all right now.
I won't go into the specifics as to why right now, but XW basically said she would be open to going back to my C regarding co-parenting. I think it is a good idea, but I need to try to calm my anger that has grown. Notwithstanding, I am learning that the EXACT same issues that caused strife in our relationship will cause strife as we share a child. It's impossible to NOT address them and do well. It's a small thing, her wanting to go, but I think I will take her up on it. She texted this morning asking about it again....maybe the events of yesterday were on her mind too. He is the kindest, sweetest kid you'll ever meet....he deserves so much better than having to wonder when he will see his dad again. And I am still left to wonder what it is like over there for him to not want to be there so much.
XW signed him up for swimming lessons without asking me first - not allowed to do that without consulting the other parent first. It's the second or third time she has done something like that without checking with me first.....I have not brought it to her attention, but will. It seems as if she feels that she can do anything she wants with him without having to touch base with me....like I am some sort of non-factor.
