Well at least she is willing to consider RetroV. I mean that does show an interest, but it sounds like you formed expectations around it. I don't know that I would stress too much over the "I have no space" comments. Unless you feel like there is a 180 in there or some change that is going to relieve some pressure I don't know that it is worth making changes. My W felt like she wasn't getting enough space at points too, but there is little I can do about it. S lives with me and W picks him up from school so she is dropping him off 6 days a week.
Hang in there!
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
W said RetroV is focused on improving communication and "we don't have a communication problem". I looked up RetroV this morning to see more of what it is about and an article states "Retrouvaille attempts to re-establish trust and communication in damaged relationships. It operates from the premise that most marriages can and should be saved. Retrouvaille has helped couples through infidelity, money fights, sexual problems, emotional abuse and work-related stress, said Mark Squier, who, along with his wife Betty, coordinated the area Retrouvaille program during its first few years."
Our issues surround trust, infidelity, sexual problems and emotional abuse ...so seems RetroV may do some good. What would be best way to let W know RetroV is not just focused on communication. I would like to send above excerpt from article to her and say no pressure but may do us some good and if you would reconsider ...thoughts anyone on if I should and if so best approach?
Thanks.
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
See above - anyone have any thoughts? Today I was on my daughter's phone which is logged in to my W Gmail account and there was an email from an app she uses for notes that said "password for sms messages is "EA guys name" birthday". The email was just from Friday. W continues to deny no A happening so why would she be using this guy's birthday for a password? W must think i am stupid/gullible ...
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
Do I confront her or let it go ...i feel like telling her we have no chance on R things if she continues to see this guy ...but I'm sure she knows that and that is a big part of her wanting to D me ...not my behavior that she keeps using as an excuse.
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
Sounds like she either wants you to confront her or for your patience to just wear out. Sounds similar to my sitch...she can't stop seeing him but doesn't want to quit you either...wish I had advice, as my M is heading for D. And I don't want it.
Well my M is headed for D ..she filed ...but she's been in a EA or PA with this guy for several months. I mean she had hundreds of texts on her phone ...but she continued to tell me they were just friends but i found out they made out a couple times and when I confronted her she said it was when she was drinking - like that made it ok. Now today I see she is using his password to lock her texts ...they are more than friends and our relationship will not recovery as long as she is in that relationship ...don't know how to get her to quit - she'll have to figure it out on her own and if she chooses not to i guess we are done. I don't want a D either but I'm not living like this.
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
Kids said aren't you going to help mom get our stuff in the car, etc..i just told them that mom said she needs some space because I'm always around.
Why would you say this to a 5 & 9 yr old? Is that your idea of a strong leader? What are they suppose to think of men when they hear their father make pathetic remarks like that? Your son needs to know how to deal with a possible rebellious W one day. Is this the example he is to learn from?
You don't get it about giving her space, that's for sure. First of all, the kind of space you should give.....is the smothering type. No intimacy,no contacting, no questions, etc. that kind of personal presence of you right in her face, so to speak. However, you don't let her run you out of your own home!!! If she doesn't want to be around you under the same roof.... then she can leave. And let me tell you something, she will never have ENOUGH space from you as long she's in an A! But when DBing refers to giving her space, it means backing away from her personal space. It goes hand in hand with not being needy, clinging, acting desperate, or cowing down when she tells you to not be home when she's there.
I have tried to give you some guidelines, and i don't know if you really don't understand, if you are thick skulled, or making excuses. But let me put it this way, do whatever you want to do with your life......and in your own home .........as long as it doesn't require her involvement in any way. In other words, if you want to watch tv to relax with the kids, that is fine. If you want to watch tv with her, that is probably not so fine b/c the LBH is so obvious, and she will feel that pressure. That is why I tried to give you the anology of having a relationship of landlord/renter.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi. I do get it. But on the statement you responded to. W specifically told me that she can get kids stuff together in the car and that she feels smothered with me around doing it. She doesn't want me there in the morning saying good bye to the kids when they are in the car and then shutting their car doors ..she asked me to say my good byes before she "takes over" getting them in the car and off to school. I was wrong to respond that way and recognize that i should have just said that mom wants to do it from now on.
I agree that she will never have enough space as long as she is in affair. W completely denies she is but now i have her password to her private email ...I'm tempted to look but don't know what good it would do to "prove it to her" ..just push her further away is what i gather from here.
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
What you are really wanting to do is shove the hard evidence in her face to show her you have the proof in hand, and you aren't crazy. You want to make her own it. But for whatever reason she has to continue denying the A, I doubt she would admit it if you showed pictures.
So, other than whatever temporary gratification or justification you might experience right then......I honestly can't think of what it would accomplish. If it makes no difference in the D settlement or child custody, I see no reason to go that route. But then I see no reason for her to lie, either. Why does she care?
Is she protecting the OM from something? Is he M, have kids, job position? I don't get it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
