Working on Divorce Busting every Day!

[Mic]

Okay as a very difficult 180 for me to list positive things my stbx has done this past week. This is really difficult and I'm not really sure why I am doing this since seeing him as a good person just hurts my heart more. Since I complained about him constantly my whole marriage to everyone I'm going to list some good attributes.
Children were very ill this week. He sent the girls balloons and flowers. Asked if I needed help. Told him it was up to him if he wanted to come over.(Thought to myself he is no longer my husband I cannot rely on him for anything - I am now a single mom) I think that is the hardest part - He does not want to be my husband but wants to be my friend and take care of me. I am having a VERY hard time separating the two. DB experts please way in on this. I know everyone says No expectations and I am trying so hard but when he's nice or wants to help it just hurts to know he doesn't love me at all. His actions seem to me to be love I guess just not husbandly love for a wife. Wow I am having such a hard hard time with this.
He never came over so I assume he did not want to really come over. Texted me the next day and said "good job on taking care of 3 kids as it had to be a bear taking care of all three being sick" - My first thought was to be offended that he is telling the mother of his children thank you for taking care of my own kids when they are sick but I just let it go and didn't respond.
Last night I recieve a call at 2 a.m. from him about all our horses being on the road. He first tries to blame our volunteers but then it turns out as I pointed out that it was the houseworkers that are remodeling our farm. He went out and rounded them up. I dragged the kids out of bed and met him at the farm. Not a fun night. (Kudo's to me for responding to him in a firm and polite manner -even 3 months ago I would have just agreed with whatever he said and would not have stood up for myself. - I stand up for myself all the time now)Anyhow he took care of the problem and we got it peacefully resolved.
I have been listening to other people talk about their marriages and think Wow - we seemed to have a better marriage than you guys - Why did ours fail so miserably. If I had a chance to redo this I would be the best wife in the world. I know I have to let go. I even spoke to my pastor about this topic this weekend. I have to let go and accept that I am getting divorced and am going to be a single mom. That nothing in this world will change that fact. Boy is that so hard.
I am trying to lay the groundwork for what we can accomplish in mediation where both of us come out reasonably happy. I keep hearing good things about mediation so am glad there will be a third party. Maybe I won't cry the whole way through it:)
As for getting a life - I have been listening to my friends problems and only there problems and trying not to bring up my issues at all. They have been there for me and as much as it seems that the whole world revolves around my problems it does not and everyones issues are just as important and hurt just as much.
Also my best friend wants me to take a pole dancing class with her. That will be fun and WAY out of my comfort zone.
2x4s please