For Scorp7...since your thread is locked.

[ericmsant2]

Scorp

You have gotten a lot of very good advice and perspective from people that I really respect. As Drew mentioned, many of us have been where you find yourself today. It is not a nice place to be; then again, it is also where you are – so you need to accept it. I have a lot going on at work today so I will keep this short (at least short for me – no comments Mach or Drew).

You made mistakes in your M. We all did. Get over it. Holding on to it does no good whatsoever. It seems like you are still carrying around a lot of chit – guilt – that is driving some of your choices. Much like Mach and Drew have echoed, I wonder if there is more to your story that you are letting us in on. Personally, I do not need to know, I think YOU have to figure out if there is something that you are not saying that is affecting how you are looking at your current sitch. If I were to guess (and this is a guess), I think that deep down inside you know you f’d up by not trying to secure access to the kids sooner. This has result in you trying to tippy toe around your W and probably your L so that YOU do not look “bad”. Guess what? It will look bad dude. Sorry. That said, you have to get over it. Another thing I wonder is…..how much YOU really want the kids. What I mean by this is something that Mach touched on….have you really separated you as a father from you as a husband. My point is, are you using the kids as a ploy to get your W back? If you are, then trust me, your L, a court, your W and more importantly…your kids will see right through it.

So Scorp, anything else you care to share?

At the end of the day, the advice that you have received about asking FIRST for what YOU WANT is spot on. That said, I really believe that the first thing you need to do is to ask yourself what is in the best interest of your kids. Look yourself in the mirror and separate how you feel about your W, your MIL, your M – what is in their best interest? Add to that…what is in their best interest TODAY and that YOU have some level of control over. I mention control because at the end of the day, YOU do not control YOUR W….so if you give me the standard “I want my kids to have MOM in their life, o I want me and my wife to be able to co parent”….my response is gonna be 1) YOUR kids will always have mom in their life – the relationship between MOM and the kids is NOT YOURS to control or manipulate. 2) Co parenting involves TWO people. Going into thinking that you caving in and agreeing to everything your W wants NOW, in the hope that she will co parent is flawed thinking. You cannot control your W! You cannot make her co parent. Not now – not ever. So if you think about…..this is why everyone is saying that you need to do what YOU want to do. It is why everyone is telling you to not cave in….just yet.

You did not take the kids 4 hours aways. Your W did. Do you know why she did it? IMO, your W did it because that is what SHE wanted. Notice that she is doing what SHE thinks is best. Do you think that moving closer and selling a nice new house that the kids live in is in their best interest? IMO, NO it is not. It may be in your W best interest but how is that yours….then again, unless your choices are ALL driven by trying to get HER back.

My sitch was different than yours. I stayed in the house (slept on the floor for a while) so that I could be near my kids. The other reason though….is because I was afraid. I was frozen with guilt. When, I finally faced my issues – well then things got a lot clearer. For almost 2 years my ex did not agree to 50/50…according to her, she wanted her time with the kids. I also was much like you…I wanted my kids to enjoy their mom, I wanted to have a great co parenting R with my ex. So I agreed to 50/50 EVEN THOUGH the kids were probably better off with me full time. Anywhoo…we divorced, me happy with my 50/50….then reality set it. I had the kids 70 – 80 of the time, I had to deal with all the parent responsibility – all of it. My ex….ummm…she was busy living her life. I became the rock for my kids. I am soooo happy I was blessed with the opportunity to do it. It is still to this day, the best time of my life. I tear up still when I think about how I had to show my D12 how to shave her pits. LOL. Her mom, well she was busy living her life. My point in all of this is simple………….

Had I had the b*lls to ask for EXACTLY what I wanted and what I think was best for the kids…chances are, I would have received it.

I was scared Scorp…

So…once again….what is better for the kids? If it really is….50/50 with mom and an elderly MIL, in a town that is not as nice and has a higher crime rate – then fine OR if YOU really do not want them more than half the time, that is okay too. Trust me it is not easy being a full time parent.

So Scorp what make the most sense for THEM – cause trust me….the real victims here are THEM, it is NOT YOU nor YOUR W. It is them.