I may have done too much

[D2ndday]

Sandi2, I have. I have dreamt of what that might look like. I have been considering all the options I can see. I mean, 3 months since the B dropped. There has been no sign of...anything. My optimism on a salvation, is sadly fading.

I have to say this sometimes feels like watching an addict. W being the addict. Watching them spiral, wanting to rescue them. Feeling helpless to do anything to help them. It tears me up when I think about it. I know, like an addict, I cant make them want to get help. They have to be ready.

So, where she keeps going in that direction, all I can do is look at me. I have been. I went to the bank and talked to them about our house. Neither of us can afford it alone. The market is such that I fear that if we sell, we will still owe on it. We have only owned it for 6 years, so still a lot to be paid. Our house, was one thing that kept me here. Right now I only have two other things that would keep me here. My mother lives a few towns over, and my job.

If I moved, it would be across the country. If I moved, that's a big jump, and a little intimidating. On the other hand, a real fresh start. If I stay, I don't know. The idea of getting an apartment here, in a place I don't really care for, is not as exciting I guess or as liberating. Our city is not that big either, so I would still see her.

I had thought maybe we were waiting for it to warm up before trying to sell, that is finally coming. It is warming up every day, and spring is coming to us. I feel the deadline to make a decision is growing close, on what to do with the house. I don't know what I will do or where I will go. I will not make the decision, but I think she will. Have not decided how to respond yet.

My plan so far for the day, is to take some of my stuff to goodwill. Clothes mostly, things I done use, and don't want to pack. Lighten my load. If we are going to sell, our house will need a lot of prep. I can work on these things, as they should be done anyway. Should keep me busy, be a little therapeutic, and needs to be done no matter what happens. Start the spring cleaning I guess.

My last thought, I still want to work on the marriage. I still believe there is a way through. But, I know I cant push it. I can only do me. But that is where my mind is. I would be willing, I just don't see any signs of opportunity. I remind myself all the time, to just be in the present. What do I need today, what is my mind and body telling me? It does give me some peace, and keeps me from going into and sitting in the bad feelings.