Redefining Hope and Success

[juliegayle]

I have been hesitant to post anything but I need to process so...

In the past week h has responded to all my texts(always household or kid related), answered the phone when I call, said hello/goodbye, complimented my cooking, bought something specifically for me at grocery store, texted me a pic of him and dog, called to ask how a meeting at school went, apologized for saying I couldn't see step kids and acknowledged that was a hateful thing to say.

I don't know if the fog is lifting of If this is the calm before the storm.

Is it weird that I feel this was easier when he was mean all the time?

Now I feel like I have to learn to have no expectations all over again. I have to stop my mind from trying to figure out why. I have to keep reminding myself that his positive actions have nothing to do with me just like the negative don't.

[juliegayle]

I have been hesitant to post anything but I need to process so...

In the past week h has responded to all my texts(always household or kid related), answered the phone when I call, said hello/goodbye, complimented my cooking, bought something specifically for me at grocery store, texted me a pic of him and dog, called to ask how a meeting at school went, apologized for saying I couldn't see step kids and acknowledged that was a hateful thing to say.

I don't know if the fog is lifting of If this is the calm before the storm.

Is it weird that I feel this was easier when he was mean all the time?

Now I feel like I have to learn to have no expectations all over again. I have to stop my mind from trying to figure out why. I have to keep reminding myself that his positive actions have nothing to do with me just like the negative don't.

[juliegayle]

I have been hesitant to post anything but I need to process so...

In the past week h has responded to all my texts(always household or kid related), answered the phone when I call, said hello/goodbye, complimented my cooking, bought something specifically for me at grocery store, texted me a pic of him and dog, called to ask how a meeting at school went, apologized for saying I couldn't see step kids and acknowledged that was a hateful thing to say.

I don't know if the fog is lifting of If this is the calm before the storm.

Is it weird that I feel this was easier when he was mean all the time?

Now I feel like I have to learn to have no expectations all over again. I have to stop my mind from trying to figure out why. I have to keep reminding myself that his positive actions have nothing to do with me just like the negative don't.

[juliegayle]

Not sure why that triple posted sorry

[bluesgal]

Julie-I have no doubt you'll handle this well since you are the queen of self control.

I think it would be best to think "that's interesting" and enjoy the small positives. We both know how they can flip a switch and spew on the drop of a hat provoked or not.

Maybe this could be a chance to listen and see if he makes any indication of what he's thinking.

Is he still drinking? I think it's easier when there's no contact b/c there's no expectations. When our H come around a little, it's easy to get our hopes up and want for more...then be let down if things swing back to the negative. Keep smiling, Julie. Let him take the lead and reciprocate.

Keep posting...you've peaked my curiosity. You're such a patient lady!

[Georgiabelle]

Hi Julie,

I'm just catching up. I agree with BG. Just take the " that's interesting approach" and keep on doing what you do. I know it's difficult not to have expectations, but just focus on you and the kids and this will play out as it is supposed to happen.

I think it's great you enjoy your pups as well. They are wonderfully loyal and instinctively know how to make us smile.

[juliegayle]

Thanks ladies I agree that the "that's interesting" approach seems to be the way to go. I have to go back to thinking before speaking like I did in the beginning. I should reread the section on beginners mind and remind myself that this h really is a stranger to me.

These small nicenesses have made me think about how much I miss my h. (I had really shut that away) I find myself reaching out to make a connection by telling him funny stories about s. So far he has responded well.

I am on guard though waiting for things to turn again.

He has been drinking much less in the house but he still goes out till 2 or 3 am so I have no idea really.

It is funny you think I am patient. I definitely was not pre BD. At least with h. I am a northern girl living in the south. I wanted h to think and act as fast as I did. After BD I have learned how to let go of controlling others. I am still working on it. My meds help!

[bluesgal]

Oh Julie, You sound good!

Slow and steady. Just enjoy the good. Keep those darn expectations out. And, yes, we miss them don't we? The old H. The ones we fell in love with and built our lives with.

[juliegayle]

Had a good session with therapist. She agreed with the "that is interesting approach" and pointed out that although he is acting more civil nothing has really changed. He has not sought help for drinking (that I know of and he is still drinking) and he still stays out all night with whoever and still does "whatever he wants"

She suggested I start a R talk and ask him if anything has changed. She thinks hearing hin5 say that he still has no interest in the marriage will maje it easier for me to continue detaching. I am not sure that is really a good idea.

Any thoughts?

[Georgiabelle]

Hi Julie,

I'm no expert but I say no r talk. I maintain that if he wants to discuss your r he will. Otherwise, keep on living your life as you are and see what transpires in due time.

Hang in there:)