Need help saving my family - part 6

[Scorp7]

I agree somewhat Wonka. We live in the country on an acreage and it's beautiful, a place that would be great for my kids to grow up without a doubt. Financially I can make it work to keep the house, but my W out and have my kids with me, but it would be a stretch.

I'm definitely giving this a LOT of thought and any decision I make will not be made lightly. I've been prepared to make the move for some time now. Initially it did have something to do with "being a nice guy" but I'm not so worried about that these days. I'm more concerned with making sure that my kids have me for no less than half their time. Everything else can be replaced, I've always been pretty good when it comes to making a living. When it comes to the lives of my kids I will always take the more cautious route.

[Scorp7]

that should be "BUY my W out" :-)

[Mach1]

Awful lot of "buts" up there ^^^^

[Scorp7]

No response from my L this afternoon. Sure hope to hear something positive from her tomorrow morning. Leaving my W hanging when she seems willing to talk isn't a great idea IMO.

[Barrybran]

Unfortunately, you NEED to consult your lawyers and work to their timetable now, not your wife's. Sure, you want to keep on her good side but you need to make sure you and the kids are protected now and that far outweighs what your wife thinks and feels. Take as much time as YOU need to get a clear head on the questions your wife asked. They are big decisions and you have a lot to consider.

I know my situation is different from yours Scorp and I know some of the guys here have been stung but I chose to go with what my wife wanted and so far it has paid dividends for me. Sure, my relationship with my wife is strained at the minute but we're in the same house, I work in town and I see the kids everyday instead of me working and potentially living somewhere else and seeing the kids every weekend or second weekend. I care more about seeing my kids than I do about where I live and I see that from you also. I agree that you need to work out what you want and consult your lawyer first. In saying that, as you have said, it's cheaper and less stressful without lawyers and if you can stand up for yourself, get what you want AND give your wife what she wants as well (not important but you have to work with her of course) then power to you.

[Mach1]

Scorp...

You had said a while back, to Drew, that you wanted honesty...

This is all in my opinion, and I'm not sure if anyone else feels this way or not....

Something is off for me when I read you. I feel as though there is a part of this puzzle that isn't on the table.

I feel as though your Spouse has something major, that is up in the air, that she is using against you for her leverage....

You are very quick to defend her, you are very quick to not want to upset her. You are very quick to agree to whatever she wants, and to go against her in any way....

Now that you have a lawyer (that is female ?), you are very quick to agree to what she says now, and not fight for what YOU really want. YOU are the leader in your client/lawyer relationship. Right ??

Scorp states HIS needs, and Scorp's lawyer attacks to obtain Scorp's needs....

What is it, inside of you, that allows other people to dictate YOUR life to you ???

What about Scorp ??

Why doesn't what Scorp wants, matter ???

I don't know man, maybe it is me. I just see you folding up like a $10 suit when you feel that you aren't pleasing other people, and you are willing to sacrifice yourself, for everyone else in your life.....

The "buts" that I mentioned above...

Are ALL the excuses that you use, to sacrifice what you want, for everyone else.

And like I have said here before, your fight for your children has nothing to do with your marriage. And I still don't feel as though you believe that aspect of it.....

It's all or nothing for you....

I may be off on that, yet usually where there is smoke...there is fire....

[Drew]

I agree with Mach and alluded to the same yesterday.

[melissag]

I know you have already gotten a lot of advice on this matter, but I'll throw in my $.02 anyway.

First off, I agree with Mach 1 here ^^^. It sure does seem that you are afraid of your W. What's up with that? Is it just wanting to preserve the possibility of R?

I think that agreeing to move to W's province right off the bat is a bad idea. Your W had no business taking the kids four hours away from their neighborhood, their friends, their house, their school, and most importantly, their father. What did your L say about this? I guess I am not sure what your L has said about much of anything, legally speaking. Maybe I missed it - what are the odds a court would compel your W to move back to your province? What are the odds a court will give you 50/50 physical custody? What factors does a court look at when deciding custody issues?

I think that giving something up right off the bat during negotiations is almost always a bad idea, when dealing with someone controlling and unyielding as your W. It's fine if it's something you don't care much about, but something as big as selling your home and moving four hours away seems kind of big to me.

I don't think you need to answer any of your W's questions. She is not in charge of making decisions. I don't understand why you are letting her be in charge. I think that you will get nowhere unless/until you are on a level playing field. Why don't you ask her some questions? W, are you planning to live with your parents forever? What are your plans to move to a neighborhood that is safer for our children? Etc.

Do you like your lawyer? It sounds to me like she is not a very good negotiator, and she doesn't respond to you in a timely fashion. You may be working with your L a whole lot for a long while (I have a friend who was D 15 years ago and still uses his L for D issues that invariably come up each year.) So make sure you are 1000% comfortable with her.

[Scorp7]

Unfortunately, you NEED to consult your lawyers and work to their timetable now, not your wife's. Sure, you want to keep on her good side but you need to make sure you and the kids are protected now and that far outweighs what your wife thinks and feels. Take as much time as YOU need to get a clear head on the questions your wife asked. They are big decisions and you have a lot to consider.

I know my situation is different from yours Scorp and I know some of the guys here have been stung but I chose to go with what my wife wanted and so far it has paid dividends for me. Sure, my relationship with my wife is strained at the minute but we're in the same house, I work in town and I see the kids everyday instead of me working and potentially living somewhere else and seeing the kids every weekend or second weekend. I care more about seeing my kids than I do about where I live and I see that from you also. I agree that you need to work out what you want and consult your lawyer first. In saying that, as you have said, it's cheaper and less stressful without lawyers and if you can stand up for yourself, get what you want AND give your wife what she wants as well (not important but you have to work with her of course) then power to you.

Thanks Barry, I definitely think we have a lot in common in that we both just want to be a Dad to our kids every day. All of the other things, where I live, houses, career, etc, are secondary. Being a Dad to my kids makes me far happier than anything else I've ever had in my life so as long as I can be there for them all the time then I'm good :-)

[Scorp7]

Scorp...

You had said a while back, to Drew, that you wanted honesty...

This is all in my opinion, and I'm not sure if anyone else feels this way or not....

Something is off for me when I read you. I feel as though there is a part of this puzzle that isn't on the table.

I feel as though your Spouse has something major, that is up in the air, that she is using against you for her leverage....

You are very quick to defend her, you are very quick to not want to upset her. You are very quick to agree to whatever she wants, and to go against her in any way....

Now that you have a lawyer (that is female ?), you are very quick to agree to what she says now, and not fight for what YOU really want. YOU are the leader in your client/lawyer relationship. Right ??

Scorp states HIS needs, and Scorp's lawyer attacks to obtain Scorp's needs....

What is it, inside of you, that allows other people to dictate YOUR life to you ???

What about Scorp ??

Why doesn't what Scorp wants, matter ???

I don't know man, maybe it is me. I just see you folding up like a $10 suit when you feel that you aren't pleasing other people, and you are willing to sacrifice yourself, for everyone else in your life.....

The "buts" that I mentioned above...

Are ALL the excuses that you use, to sacrifice what you want, for everyone else.

And like I have said here before, your fight for your children has nothing to do with your marriage. And I still don't feel as though you believe that aspect of it.....

It's all or nothing for you....

I may be off on that, yet usually where there is smoke...there is fire....

I can take on the world if need be, but when it comes to my W I have a very hard time going against her. In our M I ALWAYS checked with her before I did ANYTHING. I did a lot of things that were really only for me that my W went along with but she's told me since she's been gone that she actually resented those things. Again, as I've said before, she was either afraid to tell me or I think the main issue was she didn't want to disappoint me by not going along with what she thought I wanted.

Now that I've heard all of these things from my W it's like I have a mental block on anything that might seem like I'm doing something for myself that would go against my W.

I'd mentioned a few times that I'm a musician, played in bands for about 20+ years, toured and did the whole thing. My W was always, seemingly, very supportive of me with my music. When she left she told me she resented my playing in my band, especially after our kids came along and that I should have quit years ago. I'd been conflicted before she left and thought about giving up the band for a long time but she encouraged me to keep going with it. Since she's told me how she felt I've had a hard time even touching a guitar and music has lost all the joy it used to give me.

I know standing up for my rights as a father to my kids is not going against my W. In fact, it's what I think has to happen for the sake of my kids. I still have this nagging feeling like if I go for too much of what I want that it's hurting my W. It's something I have to get over for sure.