Afraid I have waited too long

[nit84]

This is going to sound weird but I have to ask.

If my W felt/feels like she was/is an unequal partner in our marriage for a couple of different reasons, I know this because she told me this is how she felt/feels, Would doing things to allow W to feel like an equal partner create pressure or be considered pursuing now that we are S?

For instance, I am considering discussing with my W to just transfer money from my account herself instead of me doing it when I see she has scheduled a bill to be paid. We both have full access to all accounts so it won't take much doing.

Before in the M I would transfer money from her account to mine to pay bills each payday(she always knew I was doing this and what amount so there was no confusion).

I feel this will give her more flexibility to pay bills and maybe even start to pay down debt again. She has no job at the moment and hasn't had one since about 2 weeks after the S. She does make some money at an odd job but never knows when she will get paid.

By allowing her to transfer money of an amount and on a schedule she comes up with I think it will relieve some pressure from W in regards to if she will have money to pay her portion of the bills at the time they are due.

Is this sound thinking or will it just create tension?

I don't mind paying more of a % of the bills but don't want W to feel like she owes me anything.

I have no expectations with this option if it is accepted. The only thing is I hope this will assure that the bills are paid on time. By having her transfer the money herself it will also allow me to quit mind reading on when she might be scheduling a payment.

A couple of times a bill payment was one or two days late. If this would have happened before in the M I know that I would have made mention of this and handled it very badly.

These couple of times that it has happened I haven't mentioned anything because it is not the end of the world and it is not like we are skipping payments completely. Overall, since the S she done a wonderful job of handling the finances and I have told her this on more than one occasion.

In fact, now if a bill is close to the due date and hasn't been paid W will come to me and tell me "In case you were wondering I am paying x bill tomorrow or on x date." I just tell her that is great and thanks for letting me know.

thoughts on the subject are appreciated.

[Bunches]

I think trying to come up with a system that gives it stability in your mind would just sound like another form of control. It sounds like it is being done well now. I would imagine she appreciates how things are now. If you were controlling in this before and have 180 'ed into this say nothing mode, you might want to keep doing it for some time instead of changing course now.

[nit84]

Thanks Bunches for the thoughts!!

I didn't look at it the way you did it gives me another perspective to consider.

I thought maybe by allowing her to transfer herself it shows that I trust her even though we are S. I truly do trust her with this aspect of our sitch.

I can see how you could deduce that it may be me trying to control the situation some more, truly not my intent.

She has been paying the bills for almost nine months now with only one or two minor hiccups. Easily things that are not even worth mentioning, so I am happy about this and hope if we R she will continue to pay the bills going forward. This money transfer issue was just something I thought might allow her to feel more equal and show trust in her. Something she said I didn't do before in the M.

[nit84]

Man I stay away for awhile because I thought things had leveled out so I continued DB and doing everything like I think I should have and WACK!!

I was not getting overconfident or overly encouraged just was going about things in a steady fashion.

I went away for the weekend on a planned trip that W knew she could come if she asked. I didn't ask her since I thought that would be pursuing.

Well I checked out joint accounts before I left On Friday and saw that the W was negative in her account so I transferred money over to coverage the shortage hoping to avoid an overdrawn charge.

When I got to my destination I checked the account to make sure the hotel didn't put a hold on my account for the stay as a paid cash to avoid the hold in case I needed more funds.

When I checked the accounts I discovered We didn't avoid the overdrawn charge so I again covered that amount from my account.

This left the W with .10 in her account and bills are due tomorrow. I went about my weekend and had a good time. It was weird without W being there but it was something I enjoy so that made it bearable.

Anyway, I am home now and haven't had a chance to discuss the situation with my W. The reason the account was overdrawn was a check. This check was in the amount of a check that we write out every year around this time for a charity event. I thought nothing of it to put money in to the account figuring it was part of my donation and that is how I would explain it to my W. If she tried to repay me.

For some reason, I had a feeling I should look at who the check was written to in case they called and said it was denied.

When I did this I found out it was not made out to the charity but to a L. I assume for a consultation.

Now I realize that this is probably not the first L consultation she has had but it is the first where she wrote a check for payment. I know it was just a consultation because in the memo part was written 1/2 appt. and it was for an amount along those lines.

It threw me for a bit of spin for about 30 min. I have since recovered and now I need advice.

Did my wife want me to see that she consulted a L and that is why she wrote the check?

I need to discuss how we are paying the bills that are due tomorrow so We will have to talk tonight.

Do I play it cool and tell her I saw we were overdrawn so I transferred funds hoping to avoid fees?

Then do I inquire about who the check was written to or just leave it go?

This afternoon she transferred funds from another joint account in the amount of the check so I know she saw what I did. This transfer could be to cover the remaining amount of the consultation or for another check she has written maybe for the original charity like I thought not sure.

If this turn into a R talk I will validate and empathize. I would say something like this if she says she is going to file.

"W, I knew this day was coming but that doesn't make it easier. I understand your feelings and reasons and respect your decision. I am, as you know, not in favor of this development and will need some time to digest it. In the mean time we have to worry about these bills that are due tomorrow. What are our options?"

Is this good or is it like I am glossing over the subject to avoid it?

If she starts rehashing the reasons she is filing I will validate and empathize.

I will try not ask too many questions and just be the best listener ever.

It will be so hard not to explain my feelings of US not trying hard enough to save the M or explain how much I have learned about relationship skills over the past 9 months but if it has to be done to give me the best chance at getting back together in the future I will do it.

If it doesn't turn into a R talk then just the bills discussion is fine with me.

If she is upset about me covering the shortage and the fees how do I handle this?

Any thoughts are appreciated I have about an hour before she gets home.

[ye21]

Dont talk to her tonight you dont need and cant talk about this just yet, wait till tomorrow no matter what she says and I will ellaborate a response for you meanwhile and other members from here, be patient, that can wait one day more

[nit84]

Thanks ye,

I do need to talk about the bills that are due tomorrow though correct? I don't want to have a R talk and can avoid it but the bills are a different story aren't they?

If she doesn't bring things up about the R I certainly wont because I don't want to have an R talk as things have been relatively calm for the past 2 weeks between us.

I know you and others will be able to guide me through this ripple. I have confidence that all will turn out fine.

[ye21]

I do need to talk about the bills that are due tomorrow though correct? I don't want to have a R talk and can avoid it but the bills are a different story aren't they?

Can you pay those bills tomorrow? If you can, pay them, only tell her tonight:

This bla bla bla bill its due tomorrow, you need to pay $$$

And dont say nothing else, I am working on your sitch now I will give you more info in a little.

[ye21]

Ok here is a tough one but I believe this is what you need to hear.
I am not a financial advisor....and I am going to direct my responses towards your well being not financial stuff. Ready?

I was going to answer all those questions but then I decided to take a different approach, please let me know and correct me if I am getting you wrong...
Basically all those questions are Fear (FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL) you are in the same spot that you were a couple of weeks ago, to give you an example, do you see in the horror movies that the guy walks on the tips of his toes to avoid being discovered by the ghost and then suddenly BAAAAAM the ghost shows up right on his face and he freaks out? Well you are doing the same, D its the ghost, for 2 weeks you had walked like that so the beast would not wake up, but now the beast its awake so you try to find solutions to your fears as fast as you can...

You have been paying for everything, you had even pay for your W lawyer to D or at least to ask him questions about how she can proceed...
You are in panick, and its time to show your real you, not the scared one but the real you, now, the only financial responsabilites you have are your kids and your own expenses, you dont have to pay her expenses, she has no money? Out of your business, she is an adult and she can work right? Unless I am missing something...
You pay for your kids and for your part of the expenses and she has to find a way to be responsable of her side, what consequences can she face if you are acting like a sugar daddy?
Your self steem its low and probably this is the way you think she will be with you, let me tell you something...its not working, she is contacting a lawyer, its time to try a different approach, time for her to be responsible and find a job, no negotiation here.

When she sees that you do this movement she might get really upset...out of your business.

You guys have no relationship right now and either you accept that or this might put you in troubles.

You can seat down with her and tell her that you are stopping paying for her expenses, thats all nothing else.
She might get really upset and attack you verbally or whatever, you respond calmly: I understand how you feel. (Validation and stfu)

You will be showing yourself as a guy ready to move on, that doesnt get scared and thats it.

Its important that you understand that you are not being cruel or anything like that, you are just taking care of yourself, and you want a W who takes care of herself....
Maybe your fear will tell you, but if I stop paying she will D me....now you are paying and she is doing it....so nothing its changing, the thing is that you dont want her to "stay" with you because you pay and then her entire life being resentfull at you, you want her to stay because she loves you.... And this is basically showing yourself as strong and ready to move on and take care of yourself...you are not scared anymore, she wants D? Fine but you are not paying for her "wants" let her find a way to make money, in the long term you both will appreciate that.

[nit84]

ye,

I agree with you that fear is maybe driving me a bit.

That part of the sitch you got right.

everything else is off a bit.

I have no children and my W has been paying her share of the bills and I am not funding her extra activities.

Just recently though she expressed that she was running low on money which I took as I would have to assume more of a percentage of the bills. I am not overly opposed to that idea but would like her to ask me instead of me just offering or paying the bills then telling her I paid them.

Our agreement after the S was for her to pay all the bills and I would transfer my share to her. This has worked well for 9 months but now that she is running low she has missed a couple due dates and asked me to pay them which I did.

None of this has ruined our credit score but I am getting concerned as we move forward.

My fear is she wants a D so we have to sell the house and she will have money again.

Some months back I explained that without fixing the house up some there probably wont be any "extra money" left over to pay off other marital debt. I could tell that was her plan back then by her reaction.

I will be fine if she does file but I wont like it. I know I will have to protect myself by any means possible and have been gearing up for this since about 2 months in.

Problem is I love her and once it turns into a business situation taking all feeling out of it.

She will be very upset because I believe she thinks that my eyes aren't wide open to this and I will roll over because of my feelings for her.

Unfortunately, although I love her dearly, when the time comes I think she wont know what hit her so to speak.

Maybe that is what is keeping me from totally detaching because by nature I am a kind hearted person but don't p**s me off.

I also have learned R skills in the process of becoming a man only a fool would leave. I just hate to think of my W even though she a WAW as a fool.

She says she is looking for a job daily. I have to believe her don't I? No good comes from calling her bluff on this. I know why she hasn't got a job but it is none of my business how she goes about her daily life.

Thank you for taking time to reply and anymore insight you or others have would be greatly appreciated.

[nit84]

ye, BTW we never had a talk last night. This morning I texted her and said "I forgot transfer money for bills take what is needed for bills and transfer it from my account". I haven't gotten a reply yet and no money has been transferred as of lunch.

I will bring it up tonight and I am planning to just keep it about the bills then be quiet and walk away.

I will act "as if" this talk will go smoothly because I think it can and will.