Barrybran IV - Three Years Forward, 30 Years Back

[Lostforwords]

I think we all have that Hollywood induced illusion of how relationships are.....but that is what sells tickets.

She has to take her journey for however long that takes and where ever it leads her. That is why you correspondingly need to make your own journey.

[Barrybran]

Yeah. That's how I feel 95% of the time. An acceptance of where things are at and a knowledge that I'll be fine regardless of the outcome but knowing that things could change when she's in a more positive frame of mind.

[Barrybran]

Pretty good day today. It was my daughter's birthday so D3 becomes D4. She had a fantastic day and I'm proud of the efforts my wife and I put in to get through it.

The day started as a day off from work with a few small plans. I had some time up my sleeve in the middle of the day so I was going to get outside and get the lawn mowed. So much for that plan. I took D4 to daycare, did some running around town with D2, back to daycare for a performance with the girls, got called into work, dropped D2 off, went to work, went home, collected D2, collected D4, went to lunch with my parents, dropped into see wife for last minute instructions for D4's birthday, went home to greet S6, then proceeded to clean the house before buying last minute items and returning for more cleaning.

The first time I was able to sit down properly was when people started arriving for dinner. My wife had her own busy day getting her store up to scratch for her new regional manager, who never showed up to her store, and coming home to cook dinner for 14 people. She put in a great effort despite feeling tired. Needless to say, she crashed with the kids when everyone left. Dinner itself went well, my daughter had a great time with her brother, sister and cousins and enjoyed the dinner and cake that Mum made. I chatted with family and wound up nursing my wife's friends' baby for the best part of an hour.

I've never really got along with my wife's friend and family. I've been here three years and I always felt they were interfering with my family. This period has really made me take a step back and evaluate these relationships. The people concerned have been a huge part of my wife's life since she was 6 years old. They're family to her and my kids and that makes them family to me; it just took me three year to see it. I also used to hide behind my wife and complain about their interference rather than manning up and making my own decisions. That often led to things going against the way I wanted and my wife resenting me for putting pressure on her and not being a man. I understand now that my expectations of family life were very unrealistic and it affected my relationships with people my wife and kids have strong bonds with.

Last week presented my first opportunity to change. My girls' daycare has a 'grandparents week' this week so I set about inviting my wife's friend's mother, the lady who look after my kids a lot and effectively my kids' closest grandparent despite not being a blood relative. I didn't have her contact details so I asked my wife to get in touch with this lady as well as sending her daughter a text to ask her Mum. My wife has been busy at work and my wife's friend told me to contact her mother myself so the invite didn't get passed along. I gave this lady the flyer about it tonight and asked for her phone number myself so I could organise things like this in the future without going through third parties. ie. man up and sort things out myself.

Early days but I feel like I'm on a better track not only with my wife (she's still cold but sent me a text today about work) but everyone around me. I have been a little cold with my parents still but I feel it's a necessary evil at the moment as I feel held back by them (all in my own mind of course) and I need to break free from that, be my own man and ultimately, be a productive husband and father, something I feel I've improved upon lately.

[Barrybran]

I had a thought today about reconciliation if it occurs and the recent discussions I've had about 5LL. I was thinking I'd like my wife to read the book. Not now but if and when we reconcile; basically as an 'I know she's serious' thing. We discussed some things we both want when we spoke about our separation in January. It was a positive talk and very deep and meaningful for us but it was at a time we were both highly unsure of the outcome, I was unsure how to move forward from that point and I hadn't read any of my resources at that time. Now that I've read DB, DR and started 5LL I feel that 5LL would be a great read for my wife so we both understand how to present our needs and wants to each other, the differences in our love languages, and how to give and receive love in each other's languages. The friend I have in Iowa was provided this resource before she got married and she says it's helped her and her husband get through some rough times with things going on around them. Of course, we're talking several months to a couple of years from now but I think it would be worth it.

The WAS is a funny creature. I had a change to my schedule tomorrow so I let my wife know and arranged our babysitter to come earlier in the day. My wife mentioned she'd be home late and I've not asked questions previously but my kids keep asking me when Mum is coming home so I decided to ask today and she cooperated. I understand her business is her business but when the kids want their Mum home I struggle to answer their questions. After work I popped into her work to exchange cars and was greeted with an "oh, you're here" look on her face. A short time later she called excitedly to boast about a bonus she received. Funny creatures :p

She's been very tired lately. In all honestly, it's the usual by now, but she has put in more effort than normal at her store and it's showing. Unfortunately, her boss decided to skip over her store which is a shame as she's done a great job and he won't get to see it. I'm proud of what she's done and I've let her know how well she's done as well as congratulating her on her bonus. It feels better to be in a positive frame of mind as I am find it more and more easy to recognise opportunities to compliment her and it's sincere. It doesn't bother me how she receives it; I just feel good I can see and appreciate her effort. I've also been able to praise my son on his homework too. I don't give him any answers (my style is to guide him instead) and it takes him a long time to do it but he get the right answer eventually and he's getting quicker at it every night. Now if my two daughters could just behave themselves... :p

[Upwards]

Bb you sound very positive, it's good to hear!

It's amazing when you step back you actually begin to notice the positives of your H/W that you overlooked before, I have been feeling very regretful recently that I didn't appreciate or notice my H's positives when he was around as I was so focused on what was wrong - I suppose it's always easier with hindsight.

[Barrybran]

Absolutely. Don't get me wrong, I also see many of my faults too. Thankfully my wife has pointed some of these out but I've also picked some up on my own. I feel like massive blinkers have been removed. I do appreciate more about my wife now, even if she doesn't intend things as a loving gesture.

[Upwards]

Absolutely. Don't get me wrong, I also see many of my faults too. Thankfully my wife has pointed some of these out but I've also picked some up on my own. I feel like massive blinkers have been removed. I do appreciate more about my wife now, even if she doesn't intend things as a loving gesture.

Yeh that's exactly it, its like the blinkers have been removed and everything becomes so clear - I had no idea what was going on whilst I was in the situation though, its a blessing I suppose as we can learn from our mistakes and move forwards.

[Barrybran]

Just gotta wait for our spouses to get out of their fog now

[Upwards]

Yeh, patience wasnt my strong point but i'm definitely getting better at it... hope that fog continues to lift for both our spouses.

[Barrybran]

I've read a lot of threads and I feel that many of us weren't as patient as we once preached. This process certainly teaches that.