Sandi2's 37 Rules

[Upwards]

Chances are It will sound punitive to him. I know you want to protect yourself but that does not require informing him of your new label. The more you challenge his choices, the more you force him to defend them. Your belief, perhaps, is that you'd be "rewarding" him by not cutting him off. OR he'd be cake eating. But you can keep that cake eating from happening without telling him "you're NOT my friend"...

When we talked a few nights ago he asked could we "be friends and see what happens" and also agreed to spending a little time together as friends - I felt that this would be allowing him to just keep me as a 'Plan B' and keep the other girl as well, it didn't feel like it gives an intuitive to move towards the marriage and also I feel that doing that would only hurt me because his attention would be elsewhere?

I told him that I wasnt happy to do that and he agreed that it wouldnt be fair to expect me to, he then said he had some decision to make and that he "needs to find some strength to do whats right" and left it at that. I havent brought it up or mentioned it since.

He's said that the OW is nothing serious, as i'm aware they only see each other every couple of weeks and its mainly phone/text and emotional stuff I suppose. He's said it would never be a long term thing, he could just be saying this to me I suppose but I think I believe him.

Let me repeat that for emphasis, be civil to him at all times.

We are always really civil and get on really well, we rarely argue (now) and we're both learning how to avoid conflict and how to disagree in better ways - its working well so far. That's the crazy thing we get on so well even whilst separated, we have a very deep connection.

I'm going to share some ideas with you that helped me. I GAL big time, even in the winter, while we lived in the interior of Alaska, near a small "city". It was not easy or convenient. Neither is divorce or being a single mom forever.

Wow you did so much!!! I have a health condition (fibromyalgia) which impacts on my mobility and energy levels so I struggle with anything physical but I'm trying to do as much as I possibly can and trying to push my boundaries and do some things I've never done before.

I've been seeing friends/family more, socialising, cinema, bowling etc. I'm joining the gym & going swimming. Tanning, nails done, pampering myself. I've been looking into doing some voluntary work again. Joined Al-Anon for help with recovering from codependency. Seeing a therapist & have signed up for some self-esteem & confidence courses.

I'm going to have a think what else i've always wanted to do or thing I can do that I wouldnt normally!

Very nice to hear. Make sure he knows your changes are really just "getting back to YOU" and that you are happy to be returning to yourself as well, not b/c of him or FOR him, but for you...make sense?

Yes he knows its for me and only me, he made the comment after I said I was beginning to feel like myself again It surprised me as I didnt think he'd noticed that much to be honest but he clearly has! I'm in this rut as a result of his addictions and how it affected our family, he has a lot of guilt around that and I think that's a big barrier he has between us at the moment as he cant move on from that guilt.

Flesh out that vision of life without him, [i]but with you being happy. Can you tell us any of what that would look like?

That's one thing i'm unable to do at the moment, I can envisage my life without him in it... I know that me & the kids will be ok and I know that I will be happy in time, I just cant picture it right now.