First....take a deep breath buddy. This is going to be a long ride. Definitely, get DR and read that. Read the 37 rules in the newcomers section as well....great starting place.
You're going to have to change your focus....and the sooner you do it, the better off you're going to be. It's no longer your marriage and your wife....now, it's you and your kids. Things seem like they are going really fast....some of it destructive. Get with your attorney immediately and figure out what the best course of action is to protect you and your children.
Once you get there....think about what you can control and focus on that. You can't control your W, and dealing with someone in an affair is like dealing with a drug addict. Nothing you do will stop her, and anything you do to try to stop her will drive anger and resentment.
Now...on to the rough stuff. You can only control you....so what don't you like about your role in the M? What were your W's complaints? What changes do you want to make in you? That's where you have to put your focus for a while.
