Afraid I have waited too long

[nit84]

AS,

Thanks for the quick response after my message to you. It didn't need to be that immediate but it is greatly appreciated.

First, I'll address the house. In W opinion which could change as time passes we should not do anything to the house and just sell it. I have thoughts on why this is the way she feels but I will let them go because it is mindreading.

As far as an equal partnership, I never really brought anything up about remodeling ever. That is my fault for not having the motivation to do these type things that she said she would like done so I never had to consult her on this issue but I certainly would have if I wasn't so lazy and took on these projects.

My 180 on this is just actually doing some of these things W wanted done and need done. She has told me a couple times "why do it now? you are just throwing it in my face." I empathized and validated that and told her that it needs done IMO whether it is too late or not for us.

You are correct when you say it could be something different that she is talking about when she told me she felt unequal. I'm positive it had to do with who handles the finances and plans vacations etc. I always handled these things because W would say whatever is fine with me and even though I would ask for input it 95% of the time ended up being what I suggested.

My 180 on this is having her pay all the bills since the S and she has done a great job. I honestly always wanted this way but after the numerous bounced checks early in our M the finances were always left to me. Every couple years I asked if W wanted to take over and she said "no why change it is working out this way."

Just this morning I was thinking of suggesting she just transfer money from my account to hers when she needs to pay a bill. She gets paid on an uneven schedule with her odd job so she never knows if she will have money for her share of the bills or not when they come due.

We still have joint accounts so we both have access to all our money. As it stands right now I transfer my share 50% to her when she schedules a payment. If she just transfers money herself she can pay the bill whenever instead of waiting for her to receive her pay. I don't even mind if I have to pay more of a portion of the bills because she lost her job.

Do I suggest this or leave it as is? I may be a fool but I do trust her when it comes to this aspect of our S. It would just give her more flexibility when it comes to paying bills. Something that I had when I paid the bills because that is what I did was transfer money from her account(with her knowledge of course)when she got paid.

I know I have to stop spinning so much. I know I can step away from a R talk if I don't feel comfortable and return later. If this ever happened before I always needed to talk things out right then. It most always led to an argument or a screaming match. Since the S I have been much better at this and hope the next time W brings up a R talk I can continue making progress.

I don't feel like I am walking on eggshells so much as I am probably overthinking things I want to say to my W. I do a lot of "if I tell her this or that will it get me closer to my goal or push her away". Doesn't MWD suggest doing this in DR?

TBH, I try to have no expectations and I do GAL as much as I can(there is always more that can be done). I don't worry really if my GALing will upset the W its more of the joint things I think and worry about. Bills, house etc. I do my own thing and W does hers.

When she talks to me I listen and may add a few things but then if the conversation lags I remove myself and go do something else. Sometimes she will come back and want to say a few more things and I will again indulge her.

These type of interactions have been occurring more frequently lately but I still have no expectations.

AS far as the A if there is one, I will do like you said and take my time and formulate a proper response. BTW, When she came back from her weekend away nothing was said but it almost felt like she missed me. She was very talkative and engaging but then it was back to more of the same from her as a WAW.

It gets confusing and I just want to ask W, "Why talk to me sometimes and not others? You have told me what you desire for our R and I respect that so why can't we interact more? I don't think we are at odds anymore with each other and we have an understanding now. I'm not talking about going out or even eating together just a little communication about what is currently going on in the news or with our families etc"

I could probably phase it better but along those lines.

We talk about these things sometimes always brought up by her and it is nice then boom, it is right back to as if she can't stand the site of me.

Is it ok to ask her feeling on these type interactions or is that pressure/pursuit?

Last night was a good night by our standards so maybe tonight will be also! I am going to act "as if". The money transfer issue is something I would like feedback on if possible.

Thanks for anybody's thoughts or comments