Help!!!!

[25yearsmlc]

Need some more advice please!

Today I had an IC appointment. I am still so sad about what's happening, but I think I am understanding that it is happening, whether I like it or not. And I'm trying to focus on a day at a time, getting through each one.

Good, b/c this^^ is what you MUST do, regardless of outcome, you have to get thru this without losing your sh1t. You CAN do this and your IC can help.

And since he is pushing so much for mediation, dividing our property, it does sort of force me to come to terms with it.


It absolutely forces you to come to terms with it. I trust you have seen a lawyer? If not, do so asap. You do NOT need to inform your h of that. Merely gather some information b/c you clearly are still in the dark about a lot. You need information and information is power.
Again, I stress, you need NOT tell him of this and you need NOT "do" anything with that information but for sure it can hurt you badly, if you continue to stay in the dark.

And I am slowly learning that I may never understand what he is thinking or why he is doing any of this.

This^^ revelation is crucial for you to stop worrying about his feelings/plans or actions. The sooner you stop trying to understand his reasons, the sooner you'll focus on YOUR NEW LIFE and your children's. I reconciled with my h but you know what? To this day, I don't understand my h's thought process then. Partly b/c there's NO "good reason" in my world view, for choosing anything over being with my children. So it's literally impossible for me to understand. So I'm not wasting anymore time on it.

So today H wanted me to arrange mediation.

So what? Why would you "arrange" it, and not him? Is it b/c your schedule is harder to plan around, b/c of the kids? So, tell him when you are available and let him arrange it. I don't see how it helps for You to do this for him. It's darn odd.

Also, fyi mediation usually (not saying "always" but by far, more often) helps the one earning the most. In other words, you're entitled to "X" amount but mediation is designed to LOWER that amount, not grow it. Keep in mind that chances are, you won't be helped by mediation unless you truly live in an area that awards wildly varying amounts in support/alimony. But most states and countries have guidelines that lawyers and judges follow. Are any of your children special needs?

Otherwise, absent some inherited properties (IF kept separate) or odd business arrangements, why mediate?
Why not just get your own lawyer? At least to review his proposals...


I got some information for him, but didn't book anything. He can do that if he wants. I texted him the info, and he replied that he will look into it, and that he will stay at our house next week while he is on night shift, in the spare room. He hasn't stayed here for 10 weeks.

How do I play that? Do I let him, use it as an opportunity to show him my DBing?

Yes you do. You probably cannot legally prevent him from entering the home without a restraining order OR filing for sep or divorce...so you can fight it, and lose, or you can use it as an opportunity to show your new self.
DO NOT ASK HIM WHY or anything else...assume nothing. Ask nothing.

He gave you the information you "need" which is when he'll be there, how long he'll stay (right?) and where he'll sleep. I'd make some plans for GAL to the max. Being upbeat, showing your "awakening" which is that you know you will be more than alright b/c you are a great catch, OMs notice you, you look forward to not being tied down to his moods and blah blah blah you are getting happier every day...

DO NOT think that being happy in front of him will "give the wrong message" b/c that suggests being needy/clingy and miserable is somehow more attractive. It's not. Being upbeat in front of him suggests you are a fun person to be around. NO TENSION IN FRONT OF HIM...leave if you think it will happen.

Do I ask why he is suddenly coming home to stay? I suspect his buddies generosity is wearing thin.


No, and why on earth would the idea of asking him, be a good one? Enough said. Ask nothing. The only topic worth discussing would be IN REACTION to him asking you questions. And I'd suggest you do a whole lot of asking and next to zero answers and no questions for him unless you do not understand something he said. Just to clarify and re-cap his words. Give him no data.

I guess I'm asking how do I turn this to my advantage? Is it a good thing, a positive, despite what is coming out of his mouth?

It's an opportunity for you to make it a positive. You do that by keeping the tension down, the relaxation around you has to grow for him to start feeling he can come around.

Play with the kids as lovingly as possible, back off when he joins unless it seems rude of you. Group fun is fine, but don't push for it. Be laid back. You want him to feel unattacked when he is around you and the kids.

The kids may ask him questions...do not answer for him but don't stare and wait for the answers. Back off big time.

Read nothing into this. Like I said, it's a chance for you to demonstrate the new you.

1) no anger in front of him

2) applaud loudly for the 1% of positives he does, compliment any positives.

3) listen like a lover, when he speaks. Eye contact, no judgement, validate if appropriate.

If he revises the marital history, you have two options:

If he recalls an event that hurt him and you see SOME validity to it, say

"H, I'm sorry that hurt you and if I had it all to do over again, I'd do lots of things differently."

IF he recalls something VERY DIFFERENTLY than you do, or if you have no recall at all of it,

say "H, wow that's not how I recall it but I'm sorry you were hurt. If I had it all to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."

both answers show change on your end, neither escalates the issue and neither answer makes you a doormat.

Build on his ability to be at home and not feel cornered or trapped.

This is step one of that plan. You can do it. It's what, one week? Be scarce when he is around, a bit mysterious when you go out but not rude. Upbeat, as if you have "interesting things to do, cool places to go and fascinating people to meet"...

Good luck