melissa, continued . . .

[melissag]

You take on the emotions of other people. If your H thinks something about you, you believe it.

That is definitely not the case.

And then you try to fix it and then it's still not right.

This is true. Sort of. It's not that I believe my H and then try to change myself; it's that I try to make him see hat he is wrong about me -but it never works. He has a narrative in his head, and if fact doesn't fit, he rejects it. So it's less that I am stuck with low self worth, and more that I am stuck trying to make my H value what I value about myself, even though I know damn well it is a hopeless endeavor. I will have to ponder this more, but perhaps I feel that I need to convince him so that I don't have to call it into question myself. ?

You're lacking in internal boundaries, to be able to live life with the rock-solid belief that "this is who I am, I'm happy with me. You're not? That's fine but I'm not changing to suit you."

I do think that for the most part. But after over a decade of being told that I am crazy, wrong, too this and too that, I do need some outside reassurance that really, I am not THAT crazy. So with most people, yes, I feel that way. I'm me, I'm cool with it. You don't like it, that's OK. It's a lot harder with my H.

If I'm wrong about that, and you were secure and grounded in your worth but your H couldn't deal with that, then he's not good R material.

I wouldn't say you are entirely wrong, no. I have some work to do in this area. I feel that I have always had a strong sense of self and I have never really been an insecure person. Definitely too hard on myself, yes. I am working on that, too. It is difficult to go through this situation (for me, the M and the aftermath) and not take a pretty big blow to the self esteem, no matter how solid it was to begin with.

Slow your roll! Everything changes with time, you have no idea what your future communication will be like with your H, so don't go there.

You are right. Thank you for this reminder.

I tend to be a planner and a problem solver. I cross things off my to-do list. Solve the problem, move on. This whole situation is extra painful because it doesn't go away. It is hard for me to accept that this is going to be ongoing for a long while. I don't like clutter, physical or figurative. I like things to be neat and organized and resolved. I feel anxious and stressed when things are otherwise. I don't know if this is an issue that I need to "fix," or simply the way I am. I have always just thought the latter.

As you guys may have noticed, I also don't do well being sad and angry and upset and hurt. I am normally a pretty happy person. I like being happy and having fun. I think there are some people who enjoy being sad but I am not one of them. I hate drama and I see no upside to it. (My H is a bit opposite on that one.)

It's amazing how communication between people can change even when only one person feels safe. And as that one person feels safe, they begin to feel strong enough to provide a safe place for the other person.

Hmm. Not sure where you are going with this. Am I the person who feels safe and provides a safe place for my H? I kind of feel like, thus far, I have provided a safe place for my H but he has made me feel not safe.

And just a word about expectations, you have lots of them about yourself, about your H and about people here.

Drop them all. Chaos won't ensue.

I will try.