melissa, continued . . .

[labug]

There are a couple of themes that are standout in your posts here. Examples:

So, yeah, I spent many years trying to convince him that I was a good person. That what I have to offer has value.

can tell myself that my H's spew is not about me, that it's about him. And I can just treat him like a normal person and let him deal with the fallout if he can't act like a normal person. But that is what got me into trouble in the first place in the M.

You take on the emotions of other people. If your H thinks something about you, you believe it. And then you try to fix it and then it's still not right. (what k_g said about many of us being in your shoes, is true. So please take this in that spirit) You're lacking in internal boundaries, to be able to live life with the rock-solid belief that "this is who I am, I'm happy with me. You're not? That's fine but I'm not changing to suit you."

If we can't love ourselves, we can't believe others can truly love us; if we can't show grace to ourselves, we can't believe others could bestow grace on us; if we don't value ourselves, we can't believe that others value us.

You haven't found that place yet. You don't yet really see and believe your worth. You haven't unearthed Melissa. It takes a while but keep doing the hard work and you'll get there. The hard work includes not seeing suggestions that sting as "you suck at this" but as a signpost to something that needs healed.

If I'm wrong about that, and you were secure and grounded in your worth but your H couldn't deal with that, then he's not good R material.

OK, you might say, who cares? Let him deal with it. Yes, but - I have to deal with him for the rest of my life. And the thought of doing it this way sounds overwhelmingly frustrating to me.

Slow your roll! Everything changes with time, you have no idea what your future communication will be like with your H, so don't go there. (that's a little of your control popping up). It's amazing how communication between people can change even when only one person feels safe. And as that one person feels safe, they begin to feel strong enough to provide a safe place for the other person.

A tip, when you're communicating with H, as 25 said, keep it short and focused and don't allow yourself to be redirected. "H, we need to talk about X and I have only 15 minutes before I have to go to yoga." If he veers from X to Y, bring it back to X. Be calm and respectful, don't feel sorry for him, or worry about his feelings, or be concerned that he won't like you or see you have value. He's a big boy, he can take care of himself.

And just a word about expectations, you have lots of them about yourself, about your H and about people here.

Drop them all. Chaos won't ensue.

About the buttons, you didn't do it purposefully and my buttons are solely my responsibility. But thanks for making me dig a little deeper.