Well I have been away from this site for a long time. We have been S for about a 1 1/2 years. Everyone tells us we should just get the D done. I am waiting for W to do the deed but I know she wants me to do it...But should I have to? I will sign the papers but if she wants to get this ball moving I am going to make it on her....
W is upset because D's are upset when they have to leave me and don't really want to be with her....but I have not done anything about that...and should I? When she and D (13) have a fight I now stay out of it, I don't think it is my place to intervene. I am taking the stance that her relationship with D is hers not mine. W is now pushing faster for D because she thinks it will be easier on D(13) "so she won't have so much hope that we will get back together." I told her a piece of paper is not going to make D(13) feel better. She got angry and told me to "grow up"! I have been very anxious lately and I don't know why....I am thinking it is because spring has been slow to come. But also because I can feel that W is going to file and take half the house...I will have to sell the house and that makes me nervous, sad and angry....
She is taking it better than the older sister.....still I asked older sister how her sister does and she said she still cries when she leaves me for the first day...but I guess that is normal. I get really sad when I have to drop them off; I try to hide but it is hard. Thanks for asking kenva. I thought by now I would be a lot stronger maybe it is just getting closer to the cliff.
They mean well I'm sure, but what is really important is what YOU want. If you want to stand then stand, that's your choice.
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I am waiting for W to do the deed but I know she wants me to do it...But should I have to? I will sign the papers but if she wants to get this ball moving I am going to make it on her....
Nothing wrong with that!
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I am taking the stance that her relationship with D is hers not mine. W is now pushing faster for D because she thinks it will be easier on D(13) "so she won't have so much hope that we will get back together." I told her a piece of paper is not going to make D(13) feel better. She got angry and told me to "grow up"!
Yeah, this is the hard part in all of this is trying to minimize the impact on the kids. It hurts them, there's no question of it. But the WAS refuses to believe that, they want to think that D is the magic bullet to everyone's happiness.
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I have been very anxious lately and I don't know why....I am thinking it is because spring has been slow to come. But also because I can feel that W is going to file and take half the house...I will have to sell the house and that makes me nervous, sad and angry....
Certainly understandable that you feel that way. But... your W hasn't filed D, so you're really borrowing worry from tomorrow. try to take things at a day at a time.
Thanks AS it is so good to hear from you! It has always helped me read your sitch and have you comment on mine. Yes I think W wants me to file because she likes to play the victim....I know that is mind reading but i have known her for 14 yrs!!! Right now she is the bad guy in her mind...But I don't think it is my job to intervene anymore in her relationship with my D's unless I feel it is harmful to D's. I think the other part of my worry is that my W hippie old friends are moving back to town and I don't trust them. They are in their 60's with no money and I think they think my W is their meal ticket. They have moved here and back more than 5 times they are very emotionally unstable and I don't want them around my kids! They are basically charlatans. Thanks for listening! It is good to be back here again!
Thank you, glad to know I've helped in some small way We signed up not too far apart, it's been quite the journey, hasn't it? I want you to know that I still feel the emotions too, so you're certainly not doing anything "wrong". I think if anyone can go through this and not have an emotional response (even almost two years after BD) then THAT is what I would consider wrong.
Originally Posted By: 7720
Yes I think W wants me to file because she likes to play the victim....I know that is mind reading but i have known her for 14 yrs!!!
Could be, but I think it's just a lot harder for the WAS to let go then they think it will be. Way back before my W and I started dating, she was best friends with my XGF. My XGF got furious when she found out W and I were dating. I told my W I didn't understand that, and she said "she doesn't want you, but she doesn't want anyone else to have you either." I think that's the state of mind of a lot of WAS's too, and perhaps a reason many of them don't push for D.
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I think the other part of my worry is that my W hippie old friends are moving back to town and I don't trust them. They are in their 60's with no money and I think they think my W is their meal ticket. They have moved here and back more than 5 times they are very emotionally unstable and I don't want them around my kids! They are basically charlatans.
I understand, I'm not happy about W bringing OM around my kids all the time either. But there are some things we have to let go of and that's one of them. Our spouses are going to bring people into their own lives and our kids' lives that we don't approve of, but as long as there's not danger involved we have to let that be our spouse's problem. I chose not to say anything to W about the kids complaining about OM. I offered the kids validating support, but told them their mom was making her own decisions now. What happened over time is the kids started expressing their dislike of OM to W, and THAT is when she started having OM over less and less. I am 100% sure that had I said something to W it would have made no difference at all, but when the kids said something it made her think.
Yes my W too has an OM and the kids dislike him very much. I don't say anything when they complain about him. I think you might be right that they don't want D. I had an incident where another single mom----- would that be ASM? Not sure of abbreviations, was asking W about me and how she would feel if I dated....This was told to me by W and when I asked her what she said one of the kids ran in and changed the subject and it has never been revisited. I don't think W would like it very much. Yes I remember you sitch when it would take a step down how it still affected you. I just don't want my brain to get so scrambled that it changes me, like I have seen it change some people for good. I often pray that this or that happens but I think I am asking for the wrong things, rather than to be strong through this and come out stronger through the other end some day. I have been drifting around alone for a while and I think this site helps a lot compartmentalize all these fears that we come up with. And it is nice to know that there are other people out there that know what we are going through....I feel embarrassed about this in my community so I have not reached out to many people about this.
I just don't want my brain to get so scrambled that it changes me, like I have seen it change some people for good.
Definitely. I think that's the beauty of DB'ing, it helps us rebuild our self-esteem and become strong and independent again. It's a proactive approach, it teaches us not to blame ourselves or our spouse and to look forward instead of back. My brother D'd about 7 years ago and he's been miserable ever since. Not because he wants his W back, but because he's never forgiven her. He blames her for everything bad in his life. It's kept him from growing, and it's kept him from starting a new R with another woman. He's angry and bitter to this day. And stuck! It's a terrible thing to see happen.
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I often pray that this or that happens but I think I am asking for the wrong things, rather than to be strong through this and come out stronger through the other end some day.
Many of the things you say remind me a lot of what I've gone through too. I prayed unceasingly for reconciliation, but after a year of that I finally figured out that immediate reconciliation was MY plan, and unanswered prayers didn't mean God wasn't listening, but just meant maybe my focus was in the wrong place. We can come out of this better people, and maybe THAT is the plan. And who knows, maybe reconciliation will happen eventually. A guy I work with just got engaged, to his ex from years ago. He actually got married to someone else after their divorce. But he has since divorced again and is back with his first ex. Sometimes I consider that if that happened to me I would have to admit that God did answer my prayers, just not on the timeline that I wanted, LOL!
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I feel embarrassed about this in my community so I have not reached out to many people about this.
With half of M's ending in D, there is NOTHING to be embarrassed about. As long as you conduct yourself with honor and dignity then there's nothing to shrink away from.
I wish I was a strong as you AS. You are textbook how it is done...I feel like I take one step forward two steps back. I don't know if it is the spring or my W getting ready to D me....I am really nervous because I don't know what to expect. I have not been moving on with my life and I wake up with a nervous anxiety every morning.
I have been going to these economic websites for several months now "Our Finite World" "Automatic Earth" "Peak Oil News" and they have scared me to death! They all say we are heading for a collapse bigger than the great depression...I have really been worrying about my children's future in such a world...I know this probably sounds crazy to some..and it is....to be ready that stuff when I am in the position I am in but I just always want to be prepared...I was shocked by 2009.....
We signed up not too far apart, it's been quite the journey, hasn't it? I want you to know that I still feel the emotions too, so you're certainly not doing anything "wrong". I think if anyone can go through this and not have an emotional response (even almost two years after BD) then THAT is what I would consider wrong.