No, I don't frequently think that people are attacking me. And I do see this board and the people on here as a gift - I have expressed that many, many times here. I am very grateful for people taking the time to post to me.
Perhaps I wasn't being impeccable with my word in that post. I was merely saying that if a 2x4 is coming, it is much easier for me to digest if it is packaged in a bit of empathy or sympathy or understanding.
At the risk of sounding defensive, let me explain a few things. The reason I post mostly about my H is because I feel like that is what this board is for. I come here when I need support or something is bothering me, or I don't know how to respond to something H did, etc. I hang out with friends a lot, and I don't spend much time with them talking or thinking about my H. I save that for my posts here.
I do not spend my entire day (or even close to that) focusing on my H. I hang out with my kids, I do yoga, I go out with my friends, I exercise, I go to a self-empowerment class, I train in TKD, I get massages and mani/pedis, I go shopping, I take care of the house, I help my friends and I volunteer to help out at my kids' school and with various nonprofits.
I do spend a whole lot of time working on myself. By reading these boards, going to therapy, going to the above-metioned class (as well as another group based on Brene Brown's work), reading books, websites, etc. I talk here about the things I am working on, woven in through my posts.
I write down a gratitude list every day. I journal on occasion (need to do that more), I plan fun stuff with my kids.
I do tell myself that my H's spew is about him. But I can also see his perspective (skewed though it may be) at times. I can see how my lack of communication would be frustrating for him and he might be tempted to jump to negative conclusions. That thought is what drives me to think I should try to respond to him (not because I am afraid of him or what he thinks, but because I don't like to ignore people or make things difficult for them). But then I can't think of any response that is substantive yet won't result in him just spewing more, blaming me, proving me wrong, etc. So I get frustrated and stuck. It feels like a no-win situation.
I do NOT want to feel better by telling myself my H is an a-hole. I get that. What I am saying is, I haven't found another way to not give a sh!t about what he says. So everyone on this board can come and post to me and say, give up the anger, let it go, but when I let it go, and I see my H in a positive light, guess what happens? I get sucked back in and then I am just more hurt by my H. I have posted about this a few times - I can't seem to find a place in between.
Right now, since we are going through the D process, it is extremely difficult to just live my life in peace and work on my own stuff. I have worked very hard to stay in my own sandbox, but my H keeps getting in and throwing sand in my face. I want him out, but I don't know how to get him out, other than doing whatever he wants, and I am not going to do that.
(Someone asked me recently what is it that he wants - he wants 50/50 physical custody, and he wants to give me a lot less money, both in assets and for ongoing support, than I am entitled to.)
So, my point of this post is, that I DO do these things. I take positive steps every single day, many of them, to detach and improve myself and live a good and happy life.
That doesn't mean I don't have struggles. Doing all of these things don't turn off a switch that makes me no longer care about my H, or feel hurt or sad by this whole sitch. It has been less than six months since BD; less than 3 months since we last ML; just over a month since I filed. I'm not a robot. I have feelings and even though I let myself have them, and I usually feel better after a marathon crying session, it's still a process.
Each day I come here and I read the advice in my own thread or in others', I add something else to do to help me get through this. I keep a file of great advice and insight from the boards and I review it periodically.
So thank you for your post, KG. After reading it, I added a few things to my file and my to-do list.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
