The underlying thing is I just want to make sure that I am doing everything possible correctly, that is within my control, to give me the best chance at my end goal.
Do you feel like you're walking on eggshells around W? I bet you do. Here's the deal, you need to live your life and quit worrying about whether every little thing you're doing is going to fix your M. Right now there is no fixing it, it's broken beyond repair. Like Zew said, your goal is a new M at some time in the future. For now 100% of your focus should be on YOU and being the best person that you can be.
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If it had to be one or the other, I would hope that it is a confession and some, even if only a smidge of remorse to start, is shown.
You have GOT to stop all this spinning and drop all the expectations! You're now expecting her to confess (which she probably won't because affairs go hand-in-hand with lying and secrecy) and you're already trying to work up a response. Can you see what will happen to you when she returns and acts as if nothing is going on? You're trying to prepare for a convo that she may never initiate! IF she ever says anything to you, THEN you can tell her you need time to think about it and THEN you can formulate a response with input from here.
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If and when my W brings up a R talk or worse, how will I react?
Like I said above, you don't have to react right away. If she drops news on you then you tell her you need some time to contemplate it and you take that time. This is the best approach because you can never anticipate what she is going to tell you, if you guess then you will guess wrong. Quit focusing on her! Get out and GAL!
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If my W felt like she was not an equal partner(something that she expressed to me about 5 months ago) in our M and I attempt to show her that I think she was and still is by asking her opinion on things like what color should we paint a room or what style of carpet is best, what happens if she says" I don't think we should fix up the house and just put it on the market"? Me asking things such as this, is this a form of pressure or pursuing?
Did she explain to you what she meant by that comment? Because it sounds to me like you're guessing she meant things like choosing finishes when in fact she may have meant something completely different. For example, she may have meant asking her whether a room should be remodeled at all. So if you go to her and ask her for finishes input, you may think you're doing a 180 but she may think "same old H, he decides to remodel a room without even consulting me first, he'll never change."
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I want to fix up the house for 2 reasons First, because if we have to sell it it will possibly get a better offer and second, because I would like to feel good about where I live and improvements are always a nice way to do that, I feel. It is a shame I didn't do anything about this sooner but oh well it is what it is.
