NLT - sorry about the breach of security issue. I had this also, and ended up changing my screen name and not posting for a couple of years.
Sadly your husband's behaviour does not surprise me. They think they can behave like this and we wold somehow WANT to hang out with them. I think that money is some sort of symbol for them of entitlement. I remember my xh saying to me soon after he left that we wouldn't be as well off separately - I had that one worked out already, and the thought flitted through my mind as to whether he thought I wold nip out and buy a couple of Dior dresses to cheer myself up!
BUT they are most unhappy about our getting what we are entitled to. In retrospect, I think they wish they had a pre-nup in place that decreed they took all the marital assets,
In between the spewing my xh genuinely wants to hang out with me! Plan joint birthday celebrations for the kids, come to family celebrations, invite me to dinner with him and OW when we are all in the same city. I do not understand it and don't need to.
However, as MWD points out marriage, especially when there are children, is a long term business, and with a family wedding coming up the reality of the long marriage goes on and on, however much we try and move forward. It really is like the Eveready bunny.
Braveheart's idea is great - unfortunately the latest complaint is to the companies regulator and I and my accountant have a statutory requirement to respond to the allegations!
If I had done what he alleges, then it would be a serous offence, but I didn't. He simply either thinks I did or chooses to think I did. And still wonders why we can't be 'friends'
Bea, I am very sorry that he's still going at it, but I don't think he's going to stop any time soon. Even when the company regulator tells him that nothing is amiss, he's still going to continue down that path of trying to prove he was short changed. Whatever he thinks has happened is now deeply embedded in his brain and nothing is going to change his mind and I hate to say this, but he's going to beat this dead horse to a second death and who knows, maybe he's hoping that you'll pay him to go away. Whatever you do, don't pay him off because then he'll say he was right about everything.
It's a shame he doesn't realize that life is far too short to continue badgering you and the company for something that has already been negotiated and signed off on a few years ago. It's sad that he can't enjoy the life that he thought he was going to have...but life doesn't always turn out the way you think it will be especially if you've treated someone shabbily and unfairly and I do think that the way he treated you will haunt him for the rest of his life. Oh, he won't tell you or your sons how he feels...but it's evident by the fact that he still wants to do things w/you that he misses you and the family.
Bea, I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and hope that this issue can be resolved very soon. You don't need this issue hanging over your head forever and a day.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, thank you - I do appreciate the time that you and others have taken to stop by and offer some perspective on all of this.
It can be a little difficult to move on with your life when the past keeps coming back like this. I truly never thought that 8/9 years on he would still be doing this stuff.
Fwiw I think a bit of him does miss me and what we had, but you know, in this life we make choices, and then we live with them.
As AA shows people, they have to face up to what they have done before they can truly move on.
The next big thing is my youngest son's wedding. I am wondering what stunts he will pull for this. My eldest son's was difficult for me, to put it mildly, but it didn't impact on my son, whose day it was.
Bea, I'm hoping and praying that your xh will act like a civil human being and keep his antics at bay during your son's wedding.
I do understand how you feel, especially after all of this time. For whatever reason, they can't cut the tie that bound them to us long ago. It's really a shame that he can't ride off into the sunset and touch base w/his sons periodically.
Take care.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I know I am stating the blindingly obvious, but my xh's behaviour is really abnormal. The whole MLC way of unilaterally ending the relationship was strange enough, but the unrelentling pursuit of an imagined legal claim against me is just crazy.
The latest complaint to the companies regulator about alleged irregularities is malicious in intent, as well as fundamentally untrue, but there are enough crooked dealings in the business world that they are obliged to investigate. There are apparently no sanctions apart from putting together a case for harrasment, which I am reluctant to do, as it elevates his own actions to an importance I do not feel they should have.
You would think if he really wanted to 'simply' end his marriage and live a different life he would do this. Close the door and not look back.
But over eight years after he left this is still going on. My xh is such a vicitm in all of this - you would never think that he left me, tried to impoverish me, abandoned his kids emotionally for years, and was really really abusive. It is as if we had all done these things to him rather than vice versa.
I tried hard to be kind and civil, and the children still try to have some sort of relationship with him. What I hoped for was a civil way of getting along. This just isn't happening, and I do not think there is a thing that any of us can do.
Bea, I'm sorry. I can't tell you what to do, but I do have a question for you to think about. How long are willing to put up w/his behavior before you file harassment charges or get a restraining order against him? It's evident that he's not going to give up until you either admit that there was an error (which we know isn't there) or you buy him off and tell him to go to h@ll. I do think that he's bound and determined to do this until you are on your knees begging for mercy and asking what you can do to get rid of him.
Bea, I'm here for you as a friend...but as a friend, I have to say he's totally off the wall and he needs to be stopped before it takes a toll on your health.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I received a text from Smokey a while back and it sent me in a tailspin...as some on the board may remember. I think it showed perfectly how much these MLC-ers project. He BEGGED me to seek professional help for the sake of our children.
This from the man who has gone months and months without contacting his kids. The man who refuses to pay for medical bills for his children.
They simply project all of their sickness onto us. Maybe that's what they learned first? "We learn best what we learn first."
To blame others whenever life overwhelmed them or when they felt threatened in any way? It's like they can't tolerate being the source of so much pain. They have to distance themselves in order to keep functioning? IDK.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Job, I am considering filing harassment charges BUT where I live it is very very hard to prove, and the last thing I want is to lose the case. I have sought legal advice: the trouble is many of the people lawyers deal with on behalf of their clients are relatively normal and they take a while to grasp that their client is dealing with someone who is essentially nuts.
Bea, I do understand. It does take a while to "build" the case of harassment even here in the States. Document as much as you can and please be careful. He's acting desperate to prove his point and I don't know if he'll ever take "no" for an answer.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
