melissa, continued . . .

[keep_going]

Melissa,

I am sorry you are struggling. I can feel it in your posts...

I don't know. Maybe I am so worn down right now, that I am not good at hearing just 2x4s. There is a big difference to me when someone says, "I totally understand how you feel - here's something else to consider," rather than just a blunt "you suck at this" type of post.

I wished you didn't feel like some of the advice has been "you suck at this" posts.

IDK why you have felt that, but it's worth taking a closer look at it. Not because "you suck," but because the true gift of these boards is that we all come here - hurting, desperate and looking for help and everyone who posts is both cheering for you and trying to help.

Everyone is here giving and posting because they want to, and it's truly a gift, if you choose to see it that way. Why do you choose to see it as people attacking you? Do you frequently feel like others attack you? If so, why?

Please - this is not a 2 x 4 - it's really, honestly just something else to consider. How so? Instead of seeing it as others judging you and thinking that "you suck at this" it could be more of people thinking "I know exactly what she is struggling with right now, it pains me to hear her because in the past I have said and reacted the exact way as her and I so wish I could help her see a way out, because I know just how painful this is. AND I know now there is a way out."


IDK... Do you think you could perhaps give others here the benefit of the doubt? Do you think you can at least consider that second perspective as a valid one?
I am not being sarcastic. I am honestly asking you to please consider it.

Because perhaps it is really not about some posters, but about you...
Could it be that it is you the one telling yourself "you suck at this?"
Melissa - We can sometimes be our own worst judges and self-forgiveness is by far, the toughest one to get to.
(I know that has been the hardest one for ME. And I had a lot of negative thinking feeding my brain with those kinds of messages. And I had to get to the bottom of where that came from and WHY I was doing that to myself...)


If it helps, I can tell you one thing - I cannot think of one post in all your threads (yes, I have read them all) where any of the posters came from the perspective of "you suck at this." Honestly, Melissa. I gain nothing from lying to you here...


And it also goes back to advice you have been given before about changing your perspective - it will only bring YOU more peace of mind. (None of us here have any ulterior motive and we have nothing to gain by telling you things just to attack you.)
I really hope you can at least see that.

So how do I remove that "button"? By not caring what he thinks of me. But how the hell do I do that? I have known him for 17+ years. Married for 11. He was supposed to be the person that valued me the most. How do I shut it off? Just wipe the dust off my hands, and it's magic?

The only way I can find (during the M and now) not to care about what he thinks of me, is to tell myself that he is an a-hole, or he is crazy, or whatever. To make his opinion worthless and presumptively wrong.

Sure. Telling yourself he is an a-hole is one option...
(How has that been working for you so far?)


What other options are there, then?
HOW the heck do you do it, then?

By detaching.

But HOW do you detach?

By focusing on you.


HOW do you focus on you?
- You first and foremost have to stop focusing on him.


How?

- First stop making all your posts about him.
- Start with one post a day where you do not mention him AT ALL. Where the post is either about the positives in your day or about the things you are working on to improve yourself. (we can be a great support for that too!)
Then increase the number of posts to two a day, three a day, etc.


But how do you focus on you?

- Start by taking an inventory of the things you need to work on within yourself.

How?

#1
A good and easy place to start is your own threads. Re-read them and identify:
a) things others have pointed out as things they see from an outside perspective that you can improve
b) things that others have said that have stung - ask yourself why - if you dig deep, you will find things to work on. (Re-read Bug's last posts about button pushing.)

#2
Then make a list of concrete, daily steps you can take to change each of those things you identified in #1.

NOTE:
- If it is hard to do on your own, therapy can help or self- help books, talks, seminars, blogs, support groups dealing with each of those areas where you may be struggling - anger, self-forgiveness, gratitude, defensiveness, self-esteem, whatever those things you find you want to change or improve.


HOW else?
- By living in the moment and focusing on what is in front of you and what is positive about your life.
Ex: If you are eating, focus on savoring the food. Enjoy every bite and every morsel.
If you are exercising, focus on the physical actions and the feelings you get from it. Feel the mental and physical rewards of your hard work.
If you are with your kids, focus on being present and giving them your full attention.
Pamper yourself - take long baths, do daily things that you enjoy that you have not done in a while. Try new things. Surround yourself with positive people and positive things.
Fill your house with flowers.
Re-paint or redecorate with happy colors.
Surround yourself with objects and things that bring you pleasure.
Develop all your senses - touch, smells, taste, sight... find things that bring you pleasure by using all your senses.
Work on enhancing and nurturing those relationships you cherish - your parents, your siblings, your friends, your relatives.
They will fill your heart with love and gratitude.


- When you find yourself focusing on him, use the stop sign technique, go do a physical activity, or laundry, or something that will require you to think and focus so you stop thinking about him.

- Practice being grateful - everyday. It will also help find more enjoyment out of your life and will change your outlook to a more positive one. Making daily gratitude lists and repeating them, by comparing the blessings you have that many others don't. That will help you dwell and focus less on the negatives/

- Give back: volunteer at a shelter group, Habitat for Humanity, keeping company to lonely elders in a senior home, etc. The options are endless. Giving enriches our soul more than anything else can.

And

- Work very, very hard on on your co-dependency.
Did you ever read the book that has been recommended to you before? Co-dependent No More.

If so, re-read it.

- Join a CODA group (Co-dependent Anonymous 12-step program). There are many groups at different times of the day, every day of the week. It will be a humbling experience and you will meet real people who will not judge you and from whom you can learn a lot. The support you will find there is INVALUABLE and you will learn to make an inventory and identify the actions and thoughts that make you place such a high value on your H's opinion of you. You will get practical, daily reaffirmations and tips to break those co-dependent thoughts and actions and become a stronger, healthier you.


M - all of the above are concrete things you can do today, every day. If you do half of them, I guarantee you that you will think a lot less about your H (if anything simply by the fact that you will be so, so busy - lol...)

More importantly, you will start on the road to detachment.

Melissa, I really hope you take some time to consider my post, because these are all things you have been adviced before and that concretely answer your constant question
HOW DO I DO IT?

Disclaimer - Detachment is so, so hard. But it'd doable. The key is that you will need to be consistent. Yes, it's A LOT of hard work.

And the beauty of it, is that it's all within your control!

The sooner you take concrete steps and actions to detach, the faster you will get there.

No, it will NOT happen overnight and it will NOT be a linear process, but one day you will realize - "wow, I have not thought about H in the last 4 hrs."
or "wow - H just spewed and it didn't bother me at all, because I can see that he is just hurting and turning that hurt into anger misdirected at me. And it says nothing about me and everything about him."

Yes... you can get there!!!!
But you will need to work at it.

AND YOU ARE 100% WORTH IT.


Melissa, I really, really wish you the best.
(And no, my post is not just a "you just suck" post


You are in pain, struggling and I GET IT.

How?

Because I was in exactly the same place you are, with the same struggles, the same questions, the same protective and defensive reactions and it was all because I was in a lot of pain.


I read your posts and it's hard, because I see myself one, two years ago in your place... And I so wish you can get out of this rut a lot faster than I did. Because I chose not to listen, not to stop being defensive and I remained stuck and miserable for a very, very long time.

I get it - we all get it here.
We have or are all going through the same things you are. And we DO care.

And we are all blessed and grateful to have each other.

((((((Melissa)))))))