Need help saving my family - part 6

[MrBond]

"Ye was just trying to help and there was nothing malicious in his posts, IMO."

I agree. There is no right or wrong answer, just different opinions. They should all be respected.

[ye21]

Ok, if anybody doesnt agree with users opinions they are free to post their concerns here
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2438372&#Post2438372

From now on I think we should focus on this thread like the sitch of somebody and respect that the opinions here should be about his sitch...nothing else.
If anybody has a problem and want to vent them I will respond in that thread.

Sorry Scorp for deviating attention to what its really important here...your sitch and recovery from it.

[Barrybran]

Speaking of what's important, has your (Scorp) wife responded to your email noting she hadn't responded to your request of 50/50 time?

[Scorp7]

Thanks to everyone once again for your posts, they are all appreciated!

I just came back from an amazing weekend with my kids. I TOLD my wife they were staying with me for an extra day (they were off of school today) and there was no arguing or negative backlash at all. I'd take that as a big positive

Then, on my way back home after I dropped my kids off I received this email from my W (via my MIL as per usual):

Scorp: An email from W:

Subject: Discussion:

You have presented the idea of sharing the care of the kids on an equal basis. I have a few questions that would help me to effectively discuss the proposal with you, such as:

1. Are you planning on moving to the W's Home Town area?

2. What does your timeline look like?

3. What about work?

4. Would you be working remotely for Scorp's Company? or would you be trying to find employment here?

5. What would your work schedule be like?

6. How often would you have to go to Scorp's Home Office City?

Now, I don't want to get my hope's up but it does seem that my W is MAYBE willing to be reasonable and discuss sharing time with our kids equally.

I had already answered all of her questions several times over during the past few months going back to last November so I'm not sure why she's asking me again. Regardless, I am hopeful this may be the start of her being a bit more reasonable.

Thoughts? I'm thinking I'll respond in the next day saying that Yes I'm willing to relocate to the area she's living with the kids, that I'll be working from there and keeping my current job, etc. I'm sure she will question how I will work from home and watch our kids during that time so I'd already planned on a live in nanny for the next year or two.

Ideally the best option would be for my W and kids to move back to my province so I can have the best chance of a secure future with my career but I'm not sure she would even consider that at this point.

[Barrybran]

First impressions:

1) You took action and look what's happened

2) NO EXPECTATIONS. Repeat, NO EXPECTATIONS;

3)

I had already answered all of her questions several times over during the past few months going back to last November so I'm not sure why she's asking me again.

Every one of your threads is littered with inaction. She's witnessed five months of 'it's all talk' and now that you've done something decisive, she's responded accordingly.

When you do answer the questions, remember the past two emails you've sent: clear, concise and to the point. The same applies when you respond to your wife's questions. It's a business-like approach so don't waffle on. Just answer the question and move on. Let her ask you the questions. By all means, keep posting your responses here for feedback.

Glad you had a great time with your kids. I'm sure they enjoyed it too.

[ericmsant2]

Scorp7

FWIW, I would first consult your attny on how you should respond. Here is my take….

1. Are you planning on moving to the W's Home Town area?

This is a slippery slope if you ask me. Do YOU want to move to where she lives? Is that what makes sense for the kids? If I recall you mentioned that the town YOU live in, is a better town. On one hand, being closer to the kids is a very good thing. If the chances of them moving back to where you live are slim and IF it works for you to move closer to the kids and IF that is what you want then I would agree. IF deep down inside you are moving back to “show her” something – then honestly, IMO, it is the wrong reason to move back.

2. What does your timeline look like?

Valid question. Personally, I would suggest that you being having them with you 50% of the time ASAP. That may mean that she needs to drop them off on a set day and pick them up on a set day. This is why Drew and I suggested that you needed a DETAILED parenting plan. I have had my kids 50/50 for a while and it is not easy. I do not call my ex when my d12 is sick and has to stay home, I do not call when I need a baby sitter, I do not call during school vacations – all of this is stuff YOU need to figure out.

3. What about work?

Another good question. What about work Scorp? Can you work from home? Even if you can, will that work for the kids?

Now, I don't want to get my hope's up but it does seem that my W is MAYBE willing to be reasonable and discuss sharing time with our kids equally.

Any lawyer or reasonable person would make that suggestion to HER. Keep in mind she kidnapped the kids from YOU. She should be discussing parenting time with YOU.

I had already answered all of her questions several times over during the past few months going back to last November so I'm not sure why she's asking me again.

I suspect, that if you asked your L what you should do that the L would suggest you writing down what YOUR parenting plan looks like and then sharing it with your W. So the big question is really on YOU…what does Scorp7 want to do? Does he want to move? Does he have a house to sell and new job to get – is that what YOU want? Remember, YOU did not take the kids 4 hours away – she did.

Ideally the best option would be for my W and kids to move back to my province so I can have the best chance of a secure future with my career but I'm not sure she would even consider that at this point.

Once again – I understand why you may be inclined to move closer to her – I am just not sure that it is the best idea. Think about, what happens if she takes them and moves away again, are you going to relocate again? It appears that your decision is contingent on what your W wants – not on what YOU want or not what is in the best interest of the kids.

Scorp, this is just my opinion, ultimately you need to do what YOU think is best. I will support whatever decision you come to. FWIW, I feel for ya man.

[AKHope]

Hi Scorp-

I posted back on page 4 but it hasn't made it to the thread yet. I'll reiterate a bit and comment on NOW.

Barry and Eric have done most of it already. So I'm supporting what they are already saying about YOUR ACTION regarding this wknd.

I have a favorite quote (source unknown) that works very well here.

"Getting what you want out of life is easy. Deciding what exactly you want and committing to that end is the hard part"

YOU must absolutely know exactly what it is you want your life as a co-parent to look like. Exactly what kind of a co-parenting relationship with W you want to have. So until you know what this looks like so clearly you can feel it like it's real, you won't get it.

It's about motivation. And people are motivated by only two things- what they want and what they don't. Call it "running toward" or "running from".

If you know what it is as an end point, you can run toward it. And it's a straight line, right? e.g. Mac and back

If you are running from, ANY direction of 360 degrees works. But you won't be where you want to be. It's just "not there"

You are in a situation that you don't want. I have the shirt from that, too. The natural tendency is to get away from it. But until you have your sights set on a new destination, your efforts are tentative, panicked and may prevent you getting where you want to go.

Start with what you know in your heart is best for you and the kids. And you've already said it as Eric points out-where you are, where the kids grew up, where you can maximize your income to everyone's benefit.

So talk to your L with that goal in mind and get on it.

Like Eric, (and we've discussed it offline), 50/50 is best for the kids. However, it can sometimes be a struggle so do your homework NOW. Look into all your options and assets for pre/post school care; sick day coverage; etc.

This is no different than your business, Scorp. PLan it out with contingencies for everything like it's a project you are bidding.

Take your clear business plan to the L and get this gig!

On a side note, a pleasant hello and thanks to Wonka for being here. You played a memorable role in my sitch a couple years back. I didn't get a chance to say thanks as I did to everyone else.

[Scorp7]

The problem I am facing is that at this point I may not be able to have my kids brought back to our home province. It's possible but it's far from a sure thing. If I can't have them moved back and my W won't agree to move back on her own then the only realistic way for me to have 50/50 is to be in the same town as my W and kids.

I've asked my L to review the message and to point out any legal issues I need to be aware of before I respond.

I am lucky in that I can work from home and keep my same job. I can and do already work from home so it shouldn't be a problem. I plan to have a nanny come in during the day while I am working to help me with my kids. That way I am with them during the week but I will also have some help with them, especially for my S2 until he's a bit older.

[Wonka]

Scorp,

Do you own a house in your province? If yes, then that is another item you'll need to factor in. I am not understanding why W's ILs are wanting you to move in their area since she's upped and moved away unilaterally. As you said previously, W's home is not in an ideal place.

I am with Eric...focus on the parenting plan instead of moving and answering work-related questions. They are just "noise" to me. The key here is to get a parenting plan/agreement in place then all other details will take care of themselves.

[ericmsant2]

The problem I am facing is that at this point I may not be able to have my kids brought back to our home province. It's possible but it's far from a sure thing.

I totally understand, which is one of the reasons I suggested having the L take a look at it and provide you with some direction. If the L feels that chances are that she can have the kids move back is slim to none, then I guess you have no choice, at least if you want a 50/50 split to move if your W does not move back on her own. I hope you have learned something from this (not trying to be preachy here)...I hope you are beinging to realize how you need to separate your role as a Dad from the role of an H.

Your working from home and the nanny sounds like a good idea. I would be careful with the nanny comment. You do not want her to use that somehow as a way to say that the kids should be with her. Maybe limit the hours the nannie will have them and shift your work load to after the kid go to sleep.

Do you have a proposed plan in terms of actual visitation days/times?