She left - 2

[Positivespin]

Go-

[hrthrt9]

I can't emphasize "no expectations" enough. My STBXW and I have been way more open over the last couple months than since our M first began. All I got in the end this weekend was "Sometimes love just isn't enough". I wish you the best of luck, but be prepared for either outcome.

[Positivespin]

Go- I really hope its a good conversation.

Has she always taken so many trips?

You are a motivated, driven guy so i have a couple of questions for you.....

The two of you grew apart. What is different now?

You bought some clothes and made some sausage but what CHANGES have you tried to make?

With the exception of your family back. What do YOU want?

Maybe you want to be that 100+ hr/week guy- If thats what YOU want for your life dont change.

Are you trying to win her families love in hopes they will influence her decision? If yes in anyway- STOP!

Say you get back together next week, whats different? What stops this from happening 6-12 months from now?

As for what you do when she talks about divorce. What do you want the end result to be? Do you want to fight her and "punish" her or do you want to continue to work on yourself? If you want more time you listen to what she says and make sure she does all the heavy lifting at all steps along the process- you will not "help" her speed up the process.

Again, Who do you want to be 5 years from now?

She needs to live her life and you need to live yours- make a calendar for who has the kids what days. If kids are sick and they are with you that day....YOU are responsible.

and......

no matter how hurt, confused, sorry, whatever you may be. Your 2 and 4 year old children are more hurt, confused, sorry then you- They get screwed and played no role. I hope to god both of you become the worlds most awesome parents - At the very least one of you has to do it because they have alot of questions right now.

[gogofo]

Go- I really hope its a good conversation.

Has she always taken so many trips?

She has always been a traveler, but now she has been required to travel more now for her job than before.

You are a motivated, driven guy so i have a couple of questions for you.....

The two of you grew apart. What is different now?

I work significantly less hours than during the last 6 months we were together. Partially because construction is done and partially because I changed the commitment that I am giving to the company. I dictated this to my partners and they feel the same way.

I realized I was trying to find happiness through success and perfection. This was slowly dragging me down and making me more negative. I had my sights set on educational and professional goals for the last 20 years and recently reached them, but kept setting new goals. I kept chasing the next step thinking it would bring me happiness. Now I know my happiness needs to be found internally. I am working a program that has been helping and will continue to do my work with the program.

I now know how I took a lot of things for granted.

I have been making a conscious effort in finding pleasure in every situation instead of stressing by trying to make everything "perfect".

You bought some clothes and made some sausage but what CHANGES have you tried to make?

I have read a minimum of 2 hours a day, everyday, for the last 8 weeks. These have been various books on relationship, self help, happiness, stress relief, etc. I was in a state of neurosis/mild depression, that I got help coming out of. I have been exercising and doing other stress relief activities.

Without listing everything, I basically have a new attitude that I have not had in the last 5 years plus. The personality she fell in love with, with better skills.

With the exception of your family back. What do YOU want?

I want to be happy and feel fulfilled by my life. I want my kids to be healthy and happy. I want close relationships with family and friends. I don't want my job to dictate every hour of my life. And I want to share all of this with my W, if she wants to do it with me. I don't want her there if she does not want to be.

Maybe you want to be that 100+ hr/week guy- If thats what YOU want for your life dont change.

I thought about this and it is not what I want. I have always wanted my job to fund my hobbies, fun, etc., not take all the time I would have for these activities.

Are you trying to win her families love in hopes they will influence her decision? If yes in anyway- STOP!

I never had or would bring in our families to influence, this was our marriage and is ours to fix or end. Her family and I still have a good relationship, but do not talk about the situation.

Say you get back together next week, whats different? What stops this from happening 6-12 months from now?

I don't want to get back together next week or any time immediately. I want us to work through this. Having her back in the house is not my goal right now. We need to learn new tools to help us with the issues we had in our M. Without new tools we will likely be back in the same situation as you have stated.

As for what you do when she talks about divorce. What do you want the end result to be? Do you want to fight her and "punish" her or do you want to continue to work on yourself? If you want more time you listen to what she says and make sure she does all the heavy lifting at all steps along the process- you will not "help" her speed up the process.

The ultimate end result is for us to build a new and better M. My goal of the talk will be to start the reconciliation process and discuss what happened to us. I see reconciliation as when the real work will begin. I do not want to fight or punish her, I did in the beginning, but I have worked through those thoughts with the help of books and this forum. I actually think the separation will be the best thing for us, not matter what happens. The personal growth I have made since BD has made me a better me. Gave me a kick in the ass to step back and take a hard look at myself and I was becoming someone I did not want to be.

Again, Who do you want to be 5 years from now?

Happy and true to myself and my values, dedicated to my family, and stable in my profession.

She needs to live her life and you need to live yours- make a calendar for who has the kids what days. If kids are sick and they are with you that day....YOU are responsible.

We did this the first week after BD, we have it generally planned out through July 1. We have been talking about any changes to it once a week.

and......

no matter how hurt, confused, sorry, whatever you may be. Your 2 and 4 year old children are more hurt, confused, sorry then you- They get screwed and played no role. I hope to god both of you become the worlds most awesome parents - At the very least one of you has to do it because they have alot of questions right now.

The kids have been our priority since BD and continue to be. We talked about this at BD and both share this feeling.

[gogofo]

Just had a short phone call with the W. Thursday is the day of the talk.

In the mean time I will have to focus on not trying to have expectations. It is too easy right now when I have down time, or lay in bed, to let my mind go down the road of reconciliation and divorce.

Trying not to do this, but it is a little more difficult than I thought. Don't want to set my mind to either outcome, just want come into the talk ready to listen.

This will take some mental fortitude.

[gogofo]

I am surprised how my thoughts have been coming and going all day since we set Thursday for the talk. I haven't felt this excitement and nervousness is quite some time. My focus has shifted from thinking about myself to thinking about the W and our M.

Forgot how this anxiousness felt and I am glad I have not spent the last 10 weeks feeling this way.

I cannot wait to get the kids from school and spend the evening together. Take my mind off of Thursday. After they go to bed it will be back to working on me and reading a parenting book so I can learn how better to listen and communicate better with my kids.

Need to lose these butterflies in my stomach or I am going it is going to be a long 4 days.

[ye21]

Well read this bro:


A tough its harmless unless we believe it. It is not our toughs but our attachment to our toughs that causes suffering.
Attaching to a thought means beliving that its true, without inquiring.
A belief its a thought that we ve been attaching to, often for years

Now respect your toughts, accept them and go to the gym to show your toughs who is the boss

You can know you are in the "right" place because this is where you are...

[gogofo]

Thanks Ye, I have been doing better this evening. Reading upward's thread about her talk and your advice in that thread has helped my mental state a lot.

It is just going to be a talk to see where we both stand. Knowing how the W feels has to be a positive.

All I wanted in the beginning was to talk, pre DBing, and now will be the time. I'm glad it did not happen when I wanted it to earlier because I would have messed it up completely. All I would have done is "listen" by which I mean contradict he opinion if it did not agree with mine. With my new skills and validating her position, things should go much better.

[ye21]

I will pray for you tonight

[gogofo]

Tonight is a the big night. Nothing changed in our contact the since the increase last week, back to one or two messages at night. She is back teaching and her schedule is booked up so the extended messages may have been due to her being on spring break.

Trying to remain strong during the day right now, but I am feeling a little apprehensive and honestly scared a little about what may come of tonight.

I really want to hear what she has to say and will STFU when she is talking, but I am nervous as to what direction the talk will go. Getting kids and cooking dinner tonight will help take my focus off of the talk, but right now it is at the forefront of my mind.

I need to stop assuming what she is thinking and wait for her to say it, but it is too easy right now to go down a rabbit's hole of her assumed thoughts... both good and bad.