Yes. It does. I wish it didn't, but it does. It's the same old battle I've faced with him for a long time. He doesn't value what I have to offer.
Example (one of a million): I remember once in MC (we went a few years back), somehow the topic came up that he couldn't stand it that I was so "anal" or something. He was talking about my S7's car seat (S was maybe 3 or 4 then) and how he couldn't stand it how I was so picky about it being properly installed and my S properly harnessed. My H doesn't like to live like that. He prefers to just stick the car seat in and stick the kid in, and it will probably be fine, My theory is that dying in a car accident is pretty avoidable for the most part, so it's dumb to not use the protection we have properly. After our session, I asked him, "H, I know we disagree and we have different views on this, but are you able to appreciate the good part - that I am looking out for the safety of our children?" He said, "No, I can't."
So, yeah, I spent many years trying to convince him that I was a good person. That what I have to offer has value.
And somehow I still feel like that's where I am. I can DB the crap out of him. I have mentioned before all the things I did that were really hard for me to do, with the hurt I have been feeling since he left (like supporting him in moving out, and letting him take whatever he wants from the house, etc.). And yet, I am still an awful, horrible, evil person in his eyes.
So how do I remove that "button"? By not caring what he thinks of me. But how the hell do I do that? I have known him for 17+ years. Married for 11. He was supposed to be the person that valued me the most. How do I shut it off? Just wipe the dust off my hands, and it's magic?
The only way I can find (during the M and now) not to care about what he thinks of me, is to tell myself that he is an a-hole, or he is crazy, or whatever. To make his opinion worthless and presumptively wrong.
As far as being defensive on here, well, yes, I am kind of defensive. I feel like I have been incredibly open and honest, and put a lot of struggles and shameful thoughts out here. I have been very open to advice and insight and have worked really hard to use that to get to where I need to be.
When I get defensive is when someone says that I am not open to advice. Or when I feel they misunderstand the situation, and 2x4 me for something that didn't happen. And I do, quite often, say "yes, you are right" to people who post on my threads.
I don't know. Maybe I am so worn down right now, that I am not good at hearing just 2x4s. There is a big difference to me when someone says, "I totally understand how you feel - here's something else to consider," rather than just a blunt "you suck at this" type of post.
A while ago I was thinking about the 5LL, and how I thought mine was Acts of Service, but I feel like now maybe it's words of affirmation. I have been so starved for those for so long. At least when it comes to my H. I was to the point where I realized, wow, I can't even take a compliment anymore.
Bug, I apologize if I have pushed your buttons. I didn't mean to.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
